I don't even know where to begin and there's nothing I can say in this post that hasn't been said before, I'm sure. I am desperate to vent because I am so angry I think I might explode.
My H and I have been married about 2 years. Dated for 1 year before that. This is a second marriage for both of us and we each have a teenage child. I have my son pretty much all the time and his daughter is with us every other week. He is 50 and I am 46.
When I met him he was living with his parents. He told me it was because when he divorced he gave up his house because he couldn't afford it alone. And, his elderly parents needed assistance. He had his own business at the time and I was under the impression things were going smoothly for him. Turns out that was not the truth.
Fast forward to where we are now - we married. Too quickly, I'll admit. I should have waited another year. He and his daughter moved into my house which I already owned. He no longer has his business because, as it turns out, he was failing at every turn. It was project-based and he just could never get it together. He could get the jobs and the work he did was quality, but job after job fired him because he couldn't/wouldn't finish the work and people felt ripped off. So, he got a regular job. By the time this happened, I had learned more about his real habits and was terrified he would just not show up. But, he's really good about going to work. And, pretty responsible about it. He loves it. It pays minimum wage. Originally, when he took it the thought was he could do the job and take a few simpler side-jobs. But, that hasn't happened. The one opportunity he had for regular occasional work stopped speaking to him because he didn't respond to them quickly enough. I don't need him to support us, but I do need him to contribute. I earn about 75% more than he does and never had any problems making ends meet before we married.
Consequently, with additional people, the living expenses for the household have increased significantly. I lost my job right before we married and incurred a significant (to me) amount of credit card debt during my unemployment. I was fortunate to be rehired by a previous employer so was only unemployed for a few months. But, I'm trying to pay off the cc debt in order to give us a little wiggle room and to correct my credit. I took a second job at Christmas in order to be able to buy gifts for the kids and family. It helped enormously but was exhausting. In the meantime, he was content to work his 8 hours and come home and piddles. We have one bathroom that hasn't functioned in a year because it needed to be replaced. He does about an hour of work on it every two weeks. I found out after we were married that he hadn't filed taxes in several years and was driving without insurance.
I am exhausted. My son (13) asks why I put up with his laziness. And, I am wondering that myself. On top of it all - I am so angry and resentful now I can't even stand to be around my husband. Which is a shame because he has a lot of wonderful qualities. He has great potential. He wants to be productive, I think. But, he just can't....it absolutely has to frustrate him.
I do not know how to get off this terrible ride. I have talked to him over and over again about my concerns and he'll pick up the pace for about two days and then go back to piddling. He hasn't been diagnosed. I've asked him to look into it - suggested this site (which I've been reading for a while now). But he does nothing. I have filled out the divorce papers, but haven't done anything with them. He will take the garbage out and leave it in the basement because he never gets out the door to the dumpster. He takes the compost out and can never bring the container back into the house. He does very little when he's home - when he hears me come in the basement door I always hear him jump up from watching television or playing a computer game and he runs into the kitchen and starts straightening. It's like having a 50-year old child.
I come from a family of very hard workers. We probably work too much and are too busy being "industrious". At first, I thought that was the difference. But, after about a year - I know there is something just not right about this situation.
His constant moving things and losing things and not taking care of anything completely throw me off balance. I am terribly depressed as a result and struggling to keep it together for my job and the household. I need some sort of order myself in order to function. It's very important to me that things be in a certain place and it really disrupts things for me when he constantly "rearranges" things. I've been reacting to these kinds of things so strongly, I am starting to think I'm OCD.
I feel like my life is falling apart and I don't know how to fix it. I resent my H to the point of repulsion. My son is looking at me like I'm nuts (of course as a teen he'd probably be doing that anyway), my super-conservative parents who don't believe in divorce have suggested I consider it....I am at my wit's end. He is not likely to ever take any medication and I gave him an ultimatum months ago about being assessed - and I agreed to go myself as he thinks I'm just not easygoing. He lost the paperwork. It's obvious he doesn't want to....I just am tired of pushing. I have no energy left and my quality of life (and my son's) and my health are suffering.
Does anyone have a suggestion for a next step?