Trying to figure it out...

Seeking thoughts and opinions relating to cause and effect of potential ADD? or just two people with personality conflict?

Married to 2nd wife for 5 years. Since the beginning, she has shown anger problems and low self esteem. She is a smart, beautiful woman (age 50, me 49) and is now seeking help for low self esteem that was evident long before our marriage. We have had good times, but mostly struggled to get along from the start. Her "explosive" anger and lack of esteem have been damaging. I have made mistakes along the way due to the question if this marriage is the right thing for either of us. I have not been "officially" diagnosed with ADD. I've been a writer, a musician and demonstrated traits of a melancholy  person since youth. I do tend to be scattered at times, but I have been always made to feel as if MY issues have caused the problems in our relationship. My wife is very high strung and very intelligent. I am laid back and try to take things one day at a time. I have two daughters from previous marriage, ages 15 and 17. They lived with me half time up until we got married. Since then, I have been the 'weekend" dad. This was a mutual agreement between myself and their mother, as their school and friends are located about 30 minutes away. But since this 2nd marriage, they rarely see me for a lengthy time, mostly due to the fact that my 2nd wife just doesn't want them around and resents them. Bottom line, my wife blames our problems on the fact that I am ADD, based on what she has read, and not on an official diagnosis. I went to a regular MD who sent me to an "evaluation", but I thought it was rather lame. Hence, I was prescribed medication, of which my wife now says is bad for me, although I do notice a difference in the way I feel and focus. She says that diet and exercise (I have always eaten well, been active and am in good physical shape), along with vitamins and counseling are what should be the norm for me to "function" on normal basis. Because I have yet to follow her guideline of "treatment" she says that I don't care about myself and she has lost respect for me. Really? In my mind, the first step is to go to a qualified doctor, seek evaluation, then go from there. 

Due to the resentment, I am treated as a someone who is "mentally ill" and not treated with respect and love. She says she loves me, but cannot show it due to the problems and hurt I have caused her (not mentioning the hurt she has caused me) 

Question is: How do you know if you have ADD without an official diagnosis? How do you know if the problems are from a combination of simple personality conflict combined with  past resentment and pain and not just ADD? How do you heal in the meantime when your partner just shows anger and resentment and no love at all?

Ready to just quit and find someone that works for me. Life is short, should it really be this difficult?? Is it really worth the effort to try anymore?