I hope the authors of this blog don't mind me recommending a book that I have found really helpful... and I haven't even finished reading yet :)
It's called 'Just Listen' by Mark Goulston. It's about turning yourself around to a different point of view... where instead of trying to get your point across, you try and understand the other person's issues. My hubby loves and trusts me, but when I use certain tactics to try to get my message across, he gets defensive and paranoid that I am trying to push my own agenda.
It has helped me stop yelling and have a much more loving attitude. I live in hope that in time my husband will be able to explain to me why he won't go to therapy (he has had very bad experiences with this in the past, but that's not enough), and whether he has a problem managing his pain killers, or he's simply just not getting enough pain relief for his physical issues.
One thing I've considered is that I am (almost) always patient and loving with our kids (one of whom has ADHD, and the other is six, argh!), because they are kids, and they are emotional, and their brains are still developing. (ADHD readers please don't be offended by what I'm about to say.) I've realised that my hubby is also emotional and his brain doesn't have all the same neural pathways as mine... I love him, so I should be able to be as patient and loving with him, as I am with our kids. (But darn, I can't use the 1-2-3 Magic! techniques on him :P)
I should mention, hubby and I both believe I'm also ADHD, but my symptoms are much less severe, and my parents did a better job loving and supporting me when I was growing up. (I used to think I couldn't have ADHD because I set goals and reached them, did well at school, etc. But Dr Hallowell is living proof that you can be functional and have ADHD.)
I hope this helps others. I'd be interested in your feedback, whether you are ADHD or non-ADHD.