Trying to make a meaningful change

So I am the ADHD spouse. I'm trying so hard to make a lasting change in this relationship. My wife has mentioned about 14 different categories where change needs to happen. I am trying to focus my efforts in as many different areas I can. However, I have realized I can't change 14 things at once. I am trying to change one or maybe two things at a time. Mainly my impulse control, emotional volatility. My spouse does not see a change. I've asked her if she notices a change, most of the time its "I don't know". This makes it very difficult to measure how things are. This has me lost. I feel I am working on the relationship. I am trying, but she views it as I am not trying hard enough. I feel inadequate in my efforts and it makes me lose sight of the bigger picture. I get emails from her telling me what I am not doing in the relationship. It feels the work I am doing on myself and our relationship is going un-noticed. I am on medications, however the Adderal the PsyD has me on really messes up my ability to sleep and feel rested. This makes me extremely moody, cranky, and overall hard to be around. She looks at the situation like I am not doing enough to get ALL of my ADHD symptoms under control. I have most of them under control and I am really working hard. Its so hard to put so much effort in to trying to make a meaningful change to only have my partner tell me, either, I am not doing enough, or she feels I am not trying. She tells me how hurt and upset she is that the person she loves is not taking care of himself, and not trying to get the symptoms under control. The self destructive behavior that is being shown is not being corrected.


I go to therapy once a week.

I am on medication to control the ADHD (however she still says not all the symptoms are addressed) - I am having a difficult time getting the MD to hear my concerns with the meds, I go to the appointments and I sit down for what's supposed to be a 45min appointment, and it turns out I'm there for 15 mins, a brief check-in and then write the scripts and shoots me out. Today I have reached out to my primary doctor with the concerns and I hope to get another referral to go see someone different.

I have systems in place to help me remember to do chores - alarms on my phone, and things laid out in my calendar.

I try so hard not to let my frustration take hold of our interactions, but it seems to anyway. I could be in a great mood and she's probably upset about something, it seems to tarnish whatever time we try to spend with each other. Or she is in a great mood and I am not. Its very hard to get both of us in a neutral point where we both can listen without being offensive or defensive.


I really do not know what else I can do, we are in the phone seminar, I feel we are going down every possible avenue to invoke some sort of lasting change. Its so hard to try to be positive about whats going on when it looks so bleak.