This was the question of Mineola, tucked into the middle of another thread, which I tried to answer and then clicked some weird button on my mouse and... poof, it was gone.
Mineola, thank you for your post. I think it was on this household tasks subforum. You were concerned about sounding narcissistic. You don't!! You sound like me, who grew up with a very narcissistic family influence and became determined to NOT be that way. Took me years to even recognize that it is OKAY for me to have needs, much less to define them.
So thank you for expressing yourself, in a very clear, UN-narcissistic way.
You know, I have struggled with the question of whether or not I have a right to require that my husband get a complete evaluation. I struggle no more. Yes, I have that right, just as much as I would have the right and reason to require that he seek treatment for addiction, if that were the issue wreaking havoc in our home. I have done enough humble begging and pleading and silent hoping for a lifetime. Sure, he can choose to be content to claim the right to be himself, undiagnosed, undermedicated or inappropriately medicated, or abusing his medication, as he sees fit. Or he can choose to take the next step in working on our marriage. There will be other steps, too... like ongoing counseling. And it still may not be enough, depending on his level of commitment to the process.
What I see in him is that he does know my needs, because when he wants to please me, he does those things which I have requested for years... like turn off the tv by 11 pm, so that I don't have to try to get to sleep with it on. But if I really feel the need to get to sleep earlier, I have to wait, while he repeatedly questions me about whether the volume is bothering me.
And, the past couple nights:
He will give the cats their nighttime snack, for instance, and proudly tell me that he took care of them. What I also see is that when he thinks he is doing a good thing by feeding the cats, I still need to go behind him to make sure that they can both access their food bowls, otherwise the one will clean up both servings and the other will be disappointed. Yes, he put food into their bowls, he went through the motions, but he did not observe whether what he had done was enough. Classic. I walk in and the one poor girl is pacing back and forth trying to figure a way to her snack, her satisfaction. I can relate at every level.