After 5 years, I have a step by step plan in place to coincide with getting my college degree in December 2015. There are many parameters that will need adjusting as time passes - as no one knows what tomorrow will actually bring.
Yes it is a one year plan. It is not my dream plan, it is my looking-reality-squarely-in-the-face-plan.
Step one is: acquire a full-time job. The financial aspect of my marriage is all tied up in debt - if we sold all we have, and paid off our debt - we would both have nothing. That would not be wisdom for either of us. What we have is manageable debt - meaning we are not late or behind - we have excellent credit scores - but we have no wiggle room to do anything but pay debt or acquire more debt. We have no emergency fund nor savings account nor retirement account.
Step two is determine living arrangements. How I am living is miserable. I cannot count on anything being cleaned, or picked up or done by anyone else, unless on a whim. There is no comfort in that. I have no place to escape for privacy - except the bedroom.
My goal all along had been to figure out how to re-negotiate our marriage. Right now, after the tirade my spouse had the other day, I am in all honesty no longer willing - until/unless I hear him approach the idea with proof to me that he has his ADHD under control enough so:
- that he is reliable in our relationship
- that he is more than 90% on time
- able to complete what he says
- able to remember what he should be doing
- able to communicate with you when he isn't going to do something before it becomes a crisis
- has the anger in check, etc etc etc
This would also include some sort of plan to let him know when his behavior is out of kilter. Right now it is all-or-nothing for him. I will focus on me and walking into single life. I do not know if he will ever choose to look at reality and want to learn to communicate and agree to disagree and let other people's opinions be just that - their's. Opinions of others - me included - touch some internal nerve mechanism that gets those defensive walls firmly in place - and they are impenetrable.
It is hard to get off my less-than-desirable stance. It has in actuality become unbearable to live in the house with an angry man. True, we have not had but one or two disagreements in several months, but that is based on my actions of saying nothing that would stir him up, and being indifferent. He sleeps in a different room - which has benefits of me getting peaceful sleep sans snoring and twitching and moving around all night. He does his own laundry. He keeps all his clothes in the basement in baskets. Frustrating since we have dressers and closets. But a hassle not worth the battle.
Once I find full-time employment, then I will no longer do the bookkeeping for his construction business.
The outcome right now is not good. His stuff and disorganization make him angry if we try to make a boundary of personal space. "Let him be angry about it...and hold the line about his stuff encroaching on your space. It is not a good outcome to have his disorganization ruin not only his own business, but also ours" . He is encroaching on all my space. That is making me angry. It is a constant battle - I quit.
I am looking at me. How do I make an "I" statement out of this: Living with an angry man, who is disorganized, and cannot comply/follow/agree to any sort of accountability for his fair share of responsibility - both in chores and finances - is not a way I want to live any longer.