Today I did the most challenging thing in my life. I have never had an anxiety attack, but if this is one, I do not want to ever experience it again.
The word says for the spirit of heaviness, put on the garment of praise. My garment is worn of the numerous times I clothe myself. If this is heaviness, I need more of God and praise. What a fantastic feeling if God surrounds us with His full presence, not a half or part presence. A full unconditional presence.
Coming from South Africa were for many years, I worked for everything I need and want, never had to ask for anything. I knew there will be difficult days and that things will not be easy, but this ADHD unveiling seems a little short of pure torture. I could not believe that connecting into emotion, feeling, or whatever the professionals call it, would be so difficult. Pain is such a real concept, but this is not normal. At least for me.
Back to the point, I had everything in South Africa, and starting over would be surfacing all of these things, unwanted things if I may add. A lawnmower, why could it be so challenging to use the neighbors or even ask. Nevertheless, I stood in complete fear while the lawnmower turns into this monster. The neighbor uttered something, but my eyes were fixed on the monster lawnmower that stood in front of me. Mindlessly I grasped on to the handlebar like I am breaking in some horse or something. The thing about a fear that drips down your forehead can do strange things to a proud husband, father, now humiliated husband, father. I could not start that monster. I felt so stupid, “Don’t breakdown now,” I thought to myself. Then I got it going. So I just have to walk up and down in a straight line and make sure the grass is short once the monster moved over this lawn that does not end. How can a small patch of grass turn into a football field all of a sudden? As I move forward, I could feel my heartbeat racing, sharp chest pains did not help at all. I felt that today is the day I die of a heart attack. Then I was done, wiped the monster down, and parked it in front of the neighbor's garage. I walked into the house, got into the shower, and broke down, tears running merging with the water as a mixture of pride, man, human, wash down this hole at my feet. And just like that, I was okay. I will get through this step for step.
The thing is, why should I feel like I have no option to say, can I get a lawnmower, can I cut it with the scissors or somehow. But please, my love, don’t put me in this spot. How do you actually say to your wife what you feel? I did speak to her about feeling uncomfortable to ask the neighbors for anything. The mere thought of that puts indescribable fear in me. And that is how it feels like. No one should go through that. No one should put anyone through that. But I guess that facing my fears looks like this if it means getting better.
For what it's worth, ADHD and marriage most definitely can work if you both committed to wanting to make it work. Most of all Love is patient, Love is kind, Love endures all things. Love is taking a step at a time.