I see that there are a lot of spouse on here that are either married to an ADHD partner or they are the one that has ADHD and are married to a non-ADHD partner. What about when you both partners in the marriage that have ADHD. I never knew I had ADHD for years I was diagnosed with anxiety, depression, ocd. I took meds they never worked, oh they made some things better but the underlying ADHD was never diagnosed. The problem was that whem most people think of ADHD, they think of hyper off the wall kids who are in trouble all the time not me. I was an overachiever, never in trouble at school, harder on myself then anyone else, never smoked a cigarrette, never got drunk, never took an illegal drug. I pushed myself so hard in school, would get so frustrated with myself if I couldn't master something like physics the first time, I tripled my sciences in high school, was in advance placement, always made the high honor roll etc. So it was never a thought that I could have it until my husband who has classic ADHD symptoms and has his whole life to the point that even people at work (counselors) he was a teacher in a college prep boarding school, gave him pamplets on ADHD, but he was the only one who could not see it. He was in denial.
He was able to delude himself before we were married because he did not have anyone but himself to care for. He was alway late, always procrastinated lesson plans, get consumed with something and lose all track of time etc. However, add a marriage 3 step-children and two new babies in the mix and he was getting unable to keep his "secret" much longer. Meanwhile the school (basically for the children of rich and famous (tuitions were high) or funded tuition by the state started to flounder in the economy.) First pay cuts started, then layoffs and although he had his masters in mathematical sciences, he was goofing up like crazy at work. Forgetting to enter reports in the system, forgetting lesson plans, not performing well when observed etc. So while they used to consider him one of the top 5 indispensable educators in the school, he was their choice when they had to let a math teacher go. They did offer him to stay on as staff but the hours and pay would not have been worth it and I am sure embarrassing for him.
We did have some at home work with a business that we managed customer service for and we were very close with the owner of the business who had been a former student of my husbands. Anyway this work brought us in a very good income and we were able to live very comfortably but soon he began to get lax in his duties and he would spend hours on some task that should have taken 2 minutes and he would waste hours on it. So in the time he took to answer one customer's concern he let many wait and did not get to them in time. For instance he would insist on going in so deep in an issue that just needed a simple answer that he would keep that person hanging on while he would research and reasearch and although I would tell him to just solve the issue and stop creating busy work for himself he would continue to do this and as he did he would labor over the one issue, huffing and puffing at his lap top like he was performing virtual brain surgery. In the meantime I was left trying to get work done because he was slacking so bad. Then he made a knee jerk reaction and hired someone local who had been laid off from the school without introducing me. I am a very good judge of character and can tell many things about a person after just spending 2 minutes with them. So anyway he started getting way too friendly with this man, telling him too many things and not keeping a manager-employee relationship. I told him based on what I observed this man was trying to move in on what we had but my husband refused to think that way. Then it happened exactly what I said this man weaseled his way in backstabbing us and with my husband's slack in working and admitting to the CEO that he is just not cut out to be a manager (yes, he actually told his former student and ceo that this man was more cut out to be a manager and he would not be at all offended if he it that way too.) As I have told my husband 1000 times, if you can't sell yourself no one else will, that he should never says such things especially to the person responsible for our employment. Well, surprise surprise our work hour and pay was cut to the point that we almost just gave it up. My husband was actually relieved, he said now he did not have the stress of this job and would have been fine jus walking away. I was in disbelief, how was he or I going to support our family? We have a substantial saving and our home is paid for but he knows I do not want to be living off our savings. Unfortunately he had a very poor upbringing that was abusive in just about every way possible and neither his mother or step-father believed in saving or were any type of a role model for responsibility in any way.
My upbringing was the opposite and I was a nervous wreck. At about this time he finally went to a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with ADHD. A few months later after reading some things I saw all the other symptoms and signs of ADHD that no one ever talks about and read delivered from distraction and driven to distraction and saw myself so in January I was finally diagnosed and began treatment, which has been unbelievable for me and the normal productiveness and over achieving mindset I have had has gone into overdrive with being able to concentrate fully. I am a staff writer for an online publication, a review blogger, still do the customer service for the company above and have started my own business in March and have since had two advancements.
My new mindset though has made me much less tolerant of my husband's shortcomings which I see so much more now. He is still forgetful, still a procrastinator who it seems is content to live off of me working 24/7 while he lives the life of Riley buying $3000 guitars without even telling me and not looking to help with any income producing activity. He will spend hours going through advanced math text books but not one minute trying to even find a online tutoring job. I am at a loss here and don't know what to do. We go to counseling but it just does not work. I can't take living like this my feet are so swollen because all I do is work and I had to go for every kind of test to see if it was blood clots etc., It is just my desk chair and that I am working all the time. I feel he has robbed my time with my kids from me, my summer, and my life. I think he just is in magical thinking that something good is going to happen and in the meantime we will live out fo our savings if need be.
Since Mother's Day we have been in a bad place and he has been stealing my medication. When I say stealing he says he is experimenting. He went on extended release and I told him that did not work for me but he did anyway and then I would find my regular pills missing and he would tell me that he was trying to see something and he will give me his. When I would explain that they did not work for me and would detrimentally affect my work he negated it. Then would promise he would never do ti again and the same thing would happen and happen until he destroyed my trust in him and driven me that I need to carry my medication at all times on my body. Do you know how this makes me feel? Like I live with a chidl, a drug addict, someone I can't trust, who does not respect me. I tell him all the time that I don't need him to make me look bad but he continues to do this.
I have such horrible visions of our savings being depleted and down to nothing and people (my attorney brother) saying, "How did you let this happen?" He does not understand this. He is also disconnected from me. We took our kids to the county fair last night which was the most horrible experience I can imagine. All he did was worry about himself, himself being fed, his needs and he had his nose glued in his smart phone the entire time. When I asked what he was doing he lost it. He starte screaming at me to show people that he was not hen pecked or whatever to which I screamed back and told him that Wednesday can't come fast enough (where I am filing for divorce)
So that is just some things, It would take me a year to write down all the issues but I guess it is just a double whammy when 2 have it and probably the chances of making anything work are slim to none.