I struggle. I for sure know I do not want to be married to my H. Maybe I am just not the right type of person to deal with all this?
He has multiple things going on with himself. This makess it hard to target why and what the cause is of each scenario I encounter. His parents split when he was 3. His Dad and he are much the same very self-focused and "in their own world" as his ex-wife describes his dad. His mother is a pill popper and anxiety nut job (won't leave house except to go shopping at a clothing store) she literally worries about everything and creates drama constantly. He does not have a good or loving relationship with his parent's even though he states he loves them tremendously he never wants to talk or interact with them, and when he does it is as if they are arguing to the point where kids and I retreat to bedroom b/c it is too loud. Then there is the second problem. My H had a serious accident at 21 and broke his neck. He is an incomplete quad. He was paralyzed for about 6 months from neck down then slowly regained feeling in his body and now is fully functioning (with exception of some sensory and spasms). When I met him he was at peak of his recovery and able to do anything I can do. Now he can do it but with much more pain and falling a lot. He no longer seeks to ski or hike as we used to do. He is a fishing guide and does ice fishing in winter and open water in summer. He also does construction. Both of these businesses he owns and always has some form of drama occurring due to his unorganization in which he promptly blames on everyone else. Anyhow he chooses to do physical activity that clearly makes him hurt horribly daily, which makes him not move when he gets home and very grumpy. I have asked that he go find a different job or figure out a way to reduce his physical strain but he refuses. Ego is a big part of this b/c of the injury. Due to this near death experience he views everything even situations when he should be concerned as "It's all good" he also smokes pot constantly to deal with the pain. Because if he takes pain pills he becomes a pill popper like his mother and I have to call the Dr. and tell them he is abusing the drugs. Then there is the ADHD. Which I did not know I was marrying. I just thought he was kind of a mess and tried to help him all the time. The other two I did know and accepted. The ADHD has been the icing on the cake since having kids with him. The outbursts, the anger the impulsivity the lack of financial management, the complete hyperfocus on social media and his computer or phone and fishing blogs, the messiness and piles of unopened mail or papers everywhere...I have nagged him the last 4 years because I could not figure out what the hell his problem was then I finally put all the pieces together last year. His mother saying he is like his dad "in his own world" the social weirdness of saying horrible things or immediately having to leave suddenly in a social situation, the lack of organization in any situation, the decision to scan pictures at 3am when we are supposed to be packing the car for our vacation to leave to the airport? WTF? The fact he told me he was horrible in school and diagnosed with "myopia" and tunnel vision" by the doctor b/c he could only focus on what he wanted to focus on. Anyhow. I have become a very depressed and tired person. I have a 2 and 4 year old that I am pretty much raising myself. He is a loving, playful, and affectionate dad but outside of that he can barely care for himself. I never know what dysfunction I am dealing with on a daily basis.
Last night I got all the crafts to prep valentines with the girls because they were so excited. I work full time. We went to the store after daycare and work. I came home to my H sitting on his computer as usual. He had guided that day and was done by 4pm we got home at 6pm. Dishes piled high in the sink. I haul all stuff into the house and set on floor. He walks past all grocery bags complaining about how tired and sore he is. His back has been hurting him for many weeks now and all he has to do is go see a chiropractor but cannot organize himself to schedule an appointment. I begin to get dinner ready my 4 year old whining that she wants to make valentines right now! He stands there complaining about his issues. I ask him nicely "do you think you could help me get dinner ready?" He gives out a big sigh and says what do I need to do? I said can you cook the rice in the bag? He says "I don't know how" I told him you read the directions that is how I cook it." He gets exasperated and says "what other thing can I do" then starts taking dishes out of dishwasher while sighing and moaning in pain. He says " I am in too much pain" I said fine I will do it just go sit down and play with the kids. I can never ask for help without getting some excuse from you." Then he proceeds to yell at me, call me a bitch tell me fuck you and that I have no empathy for his physical problems. I tell him it is not the physical I have issues with it is the mental ones. So then of course he accuses me of being verbally abusive. He is incapable of doing anything that he does not want to do even if it is helping me! The he states he would jump off a cliff for me blah blah.
I ask you ADHD community which issue am I dealing with on any given day? I am exhausted? Did I mention he forgot to buy the valentines he insisted on getting the girls! One more thing I will take care of today! I am not in love with this person. I love him as the father of my children but that is it. I cannot take it anymore!