I've been married to my wife (with adhd) for 10 years. Things went downhill after a year or so, and became chaotic hell when we had our son. Her pills would be left on the carpet with the baby crawling around, and several neglectful other things that made me question her and my own sanity. We'd fight viciously. A few improvements have been made since then in our relationship (picking battles more wisely, incorporating recreation activities, respecting space more, knowledge of adhd's role) but we're far from where we could be.
Here's where we are now in a nutshell. (I hope this msy help someone)
I realized a few years ago that I was miserable and depressed. From an outsider view, I may have had the adhd symptoms. I couldn't focus at work, had low performance, even lower self esteem, and lost 2 jobs back to back. A social worker I was seeing said I had 'moderate depression' though if I divulged everything I was thinking at the time it probably would've been more serious. I'm a guy, right? I should be able to handle my own sh*t. I'm the husband - I should be the rock in the relationship, and be strong enough to keep it all together. But I wasn't - I was parenting my son and wufe who was enabling him and contradicting me. I hated my wife, and I hated the fact that I hated her even more. Why should it be this way? Why do these insane arguments pop up a million times? Why is she so careless? How have I become this angry monster? Why can't we get along? It was around this time that we realized she had adhd - and the lightbulb flickered. This was the biggest turning point ever in our relationship. It was finally a beacon of light to guide us through and help make sense of things. My wife was no longer a careless, lazy, heartless neglectful mother and wife. She was a girl with a condition that produces predictable results and who undoubtedly suffers from it too. I began to understand her more. For the first time in many years, I began to really care for her and it did wonders for our suddenly evolving and changing relationship. I also set boundaries - though instead of talking down to her when she crossed them I'd calmly let her know it's not ok. We were making progress, approaching things from new angles, experimenting, and able to make it through a few days without fighting. I began to see how I was equally at fault for our poor relationship and how my own inflexible, stubborn intolerance had wreaked havoc on us just as much as ADHD. This was a year ago.
With this new understanding and light, I found alot of my confidence and zest for life again. I found my career passion, and began running full throttle with it. We never really stuck with the new strategies for having a healthy & happier relationship - we only recognized the problem and began trying things. I then ran full speed ahead with my new promising career and sort of put homelife on the backburner. I was building a future for my family while at the same time pursuing a field that was both fulfilling and wonderful, and felt right. I was exercising and making myself happy & healthy for the first time in years, and though we didn't fight as much - we also communicated little. I've now been on a vacation of sorts, and have come to realize that as far as our relationship goes - it's been frozen in time. Nothing much has changed with how we communicate, handle disputes, compromise, and function at home from a year ago. If anything, those initial helpful tools have disappeared from lack of use. I was constantly absorbed in work so no real progress was made. As I stay home on a break - my temper flares again and resentment begins to build. She still does and says things that drive me insane, and I don't know how to creatively handle it anymore. Once again, I'm realizing we need help. We're going to set an appointment for a counselor this coming week.
Throwing myself into this career has made me happier than I've been in a decade. My relationship with my son is better because of it. But there's still my marriage - which is more of a room mate situation now. We do nice things for eachother - I bring her flowers at work and buy her presents, she buys me knickknacks related to my career and hugs me a lot. We go out to dinner together and see movies. But our communication and relationship needs work.
There are many dynamic relationship differences between an adhd wife or husband in a man/woman marriage btw.
Some of them are outlined here