Wondering about an evaluation for an unwilling spouse

Hello Melissa, and everyone,

I am the husband of a wife that I suspect has some sort of ADHD subtype.  I've read 5 books now on the topic (originally suggested by our marriage therapist).  My life with my wife seems to have been recorded and reiterated on nearly every page of those books.  She is highly functioning, and my guess is that most of her difficulties have found hiding places in her coping mechanisms that she has had 53 years to perfect.  This is an elusive disorder in my wife to say the least.

I see the distance in our one on one communications, her inattention to detail, her creativity, her left-handedness, her "piles" of things around the house, her own self-built home, that was never completed after more than 10 years.  Right now the water is shut off in our 1st floor powder room she has every intention of remodeling (for the last 2 years), and we have nice photo frames hanging on many of our walls, with the "store-bought family photos" still there under glass (for 6 years now).  I've tried to curb her overspending by relieving her of my credit cards, but she merely got her own to overspend on.  She routinely gets up, mid-conversation, to escape a potential debate, or conflict at the first sign of it.  And if I attempt to follow, to pursue a response, then I am the bad guy, smothering her...  She once told me the reason she asked me to stop holding doors open for her (I am a gentleman), is because "then I feel obligated to walk thru it..."    You might imagine my frustration and feelings of emptiness over an organic act of chivalry.

My guess would be, she is closer to the inattentive-hyperfocused (on things that interest her) subtype, rather than the hyper-active subtype.

She is very well read, preferring self help and how to books, with almost no patience for fiction.  The same for TV and Movies.  At first glance a rather healthy non-TV watcher.  But all the more painful for me, since my fairly successful career is in the pop-culture format of Television and Feature film production (wouldn't it be nice for her to actually watch something I've created).  Yet the response is always the same:  "I don't watch TV"  or "This is a stupid movie, why would I want to watch it".

And yes the obvious answer, is, because I worked on it...  from all of you who understand...

But my real question is, in pursuing a possible ADHD evaluation, my wife agreed to see a therapist who had been seeing her alone on prior occasions for, of course: problems in our marriage, largely due to me, or "my anger".   This therapist "B", is in the same office / group, as the therapist "A", we currently see for marriage counseling, and according to her ("B's") Bio, has no real experience with Adult ADHD, let alone within the female subgroup, even giving us both a quasi template-form questionaire - clearly developed for child ADD/ADHD screening, and very inappropriate for our situation.  (that therapist "B" later reported that my responses did not make sense, so I had to have been lying) This therapist does have a few child patients.  According to all I've read, it is very important that the evaluating professional be very experienced with counseling of adult ADD/ADHD patients.  Again in reading the 5 books I did read, two of the authors were long time therapists before ever realizing they themselves needed to be evaluated.

So isn't it a conflict of interest to be evaluated, by a therapist who has seen you as a patient for complaints registered (about the same - non ADHD man begging for the evaluation??)  In other words, isn't the therapist acting as an advocate for the patient regarding her husbands complaints / "anger", rather than acting as a true unbiased data-gatherer  for ADHD behaviors / difficulties.  Also, contrary to all I've read, I was not polled (beyond the children's questionaire), no other family members or work associates or friends were polled, or other information gathering, other than seeing the (well-versed at coping) patient herself!! Am I correct in thinking this to feel a liitle weird?? And not a true or unbiased / nuetral evaluation?  Or at the very least, a conflict of interest?

And further, if the subject person is not at all interested in an ADHD diagnosis....  then isn't it all a moot point anyway??  Why do I even try, when to her: it's all my fault for nagging and smothering?

(for the record, I am not clingy or needy, and even work on the opposite coast 40% of the time, making it difficult to be a smothering sort).  But I'll admit I am more crazy after this relationship, than I ever felt before!!

We've been married for 10 years and have a wonderful 10 year old.  (doing great in school, but to be honest, showing some signs of hyper-focus and inattentiveness).


Best,  loudsound