I met my husband in high school. We immediately became best friends and hung out with a small group of people. We never dated, just had a lot of fun together. 4 years later we reconnected and he told his mother after seeing me while visiting home from the Navy that I was "the girl he was going to marry". We decided that we would give dating a shot, why not right? So we had an amazing week which I don't blame on ADD because it was that "new" love which is always so amazing. He left Indiana for Florida where he was going to be stationed. That was January. In March, I went to visit him and he met me at the airport with an engagement ring. I happily agreed because afterall, I've known him 5 years, we love each other, and love can make it through anything ( he was 22 and I was 20). I went back home to college and married him in August and we planned to have a long distance relationship until I was done with nursing school. I decided in September I couldn't do that, so I spontaneously packed and moved down to be with my husband after trying so hard to get into a nursing program. I had faith that I would get into the program in FL.
Let's see, the first few months were heaven. Then it was a struggle to be touched. A struggle to be called. A struggle to go to bed at the same time. He blew all of our money and had nothing to show for it. You know, gas station sodas, video games, fast food etc. I eventually had to do what most other women have mentioned and "take away" the debit card and give him an allowance. Here starts the mother-son relationship that has been going on for almost 6 years now. He sometimes will set an alarm clock. But he hits snooze atleast 8 times becasue that's when HE gets the best sleep (forget me getting any sleep after that!) He needs a chore list for what needs to be done around the house. I didn't like that at first, but you do what you have to do. Now the lists just sit there. I know my husband is never going to initiate sweeping and mopping and toilet cleaning. I have to ask for days after days for him to please make our yard presentable. We have had 2 children during this time. We never actively tried for them, and we love them with all of our hearts.
When I ask him what his heart tells him to do about us he says "my gut tells me to let you go and find someone that can make you happy". He also told me in the same conversation that the last time he can recall "desiring" me was about 2 years ago. Same story as most women, I'm attractive etc etc. He doesn't like my demeanor. I don't like that he "ignores" my concerns for years which has made me so angry and upset. I know it's my CHOICE how to act and react but I'm literally exhausted- emotionally, physically, spiritually. I like most others on here arrange all childcare, work as an RN on night shift, pay all the bills, make all the appointments, cook most of the meals, and so on. It was tolerable until we had children and I *thought* that with increased responsibility he would increasingly responsible. No, in fact nothing has changed. He says he loves me "more than I'll ever know" and that "he just wants me to be happy" and he doesn't say it, but it feels like he's saying "I'm not going to be able to do it". He only cries when he thinks of not seeing our babies. He also told me that "worst case scenario we'll go back to being best friends and stop all the nonsense arguing". He has started ADD meds recently and now does not having nothing to say, but when he does say stuff he blurts it out and it's hurtful. It probably doesn't come out how he wants it to. I've gone through years of silence and now, he tells me all of this. We have bickered about the same topics since day 1.
When I cry to him I'm telling him how much I want him to be my husband and I want him to want me and want to make each other happy. I'm guessing he feels inadequate and incapable. We start counseling this week, but can counseling make him WANT me? Even at the beginning of the marriage before the arguing started, he wouldn't touch me or be intimate without what I felt like was nagging. I didn't get married to nag. I didn't think I'd feel angry and ignored for so long. Of course, he doesn't feel like he's ignoring me. If the worst case scenario is being best friends (which is kind of what we are now, since there is no passion or intimacy and hasn't been since the beginning)--and he's made it clear that best friends is the worst case scenario and promised me that we will never NOT be friends--what's to fight for?
Thanks for listening