Yep. Uh huh. It's me. I'm there. Quite a statement.

I got myself to a place of some contentment and peace a few weeks back.  Now I am floundering, and I am not really sure why. 


"The problem isn’t that you don’t know what’s going on; it’s that you’ve had trouble sorting it all out."

Kirshenbaum, Mira (1997-07-01). Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship (p. 6). Plume. Kindle Edition. 

The book was recommended to me, along with The Dance of Anger.  Lerner, H. (1985). The dance of anger: A woman's guide to changing the patterns of intimate relationships. New York: Harper & Row.

I am not stupid.  I am not stuck on the fence.  I am not delusional.  I can see clearly.  I just need to make decisions.

I was looking today over all the books I have.  I have spent at least the past 10 years being attracted to books that say things like: Have YOU reached rock bottom?  Are YOU ready to give up?  Are you ready to look deep inside YOURSELF to affect change?  Are you willing to realize what YOU add to the problem in your marriage?

I see my errors.  I see my mistakes.  I see what I have done wrong.  I have worked it.  I have journaled it.  I am thinking I am right back to the place I started.  Of course a marriage takes two.  Of course I need to do things different and better.  

What I need, truthfully, is a vacation from such intense focus.  I put myself under a microscope, I worked my butt  off to change, believing it will be noticed.  What I get in return "You need psychological help."    That is just not acceptable.

And, yes, truthfully, in all honesty, I believe my spouse needs to do some work addressing issues, before we can accomplish things through couple's work.  I am at a different place.  He is at the old place.  I am not better than him.  I have acquired some tools he does not have.  If he wants them, he can get them, too.  IF working on our marriage is truthfully his goal, he will know things are getting better when the tension starts to clear.   And if he is told it is just unclear why I am not responding to him, then maybe it will be clear we are not meant to be together.   

I fullly realized I DO NOT want to live in acceptance of this situation.  (read that question posed tosomeone else in another post by c ur self)