Seven years ago I first learned my ADHD partner likely has ADHD. I found this site and my reading of posts and the blog were immensely helpful to me, though even then I had no concept of the impact we'd experience in our own relationship. I thought we were on top of it, my partner had insight and was open to treatment, and we'd be okay. We wouldn't be "that" couple. We are exactly "that" couple. We joke that Melissa must have been hiding under our bed and in our closet, and wrote her books about us. In discussing our readings of ADHD and Marriage we've laughed that sick little laugh people have at times, and noted it is as if we're sims running a script written by the SRR loop. I hope this post may be helpful to others here.
My ADHD spouse and I have experienced a fairly full spectrum of symptoms, SRR dynamics, RSD and parent-child dynamic. We are fortunate our problems do not include infidelity, addiction and domestic violence. We do have coexisting conditions including anxiety and PTSD. Her compulsive behaviors, other than hyperfocus, are expressed in shopping and a never-ending parade of Amazon deliveries of things never used, and an odd need to go drink for drink with me when we have cocktails and wine with dinner on our date nights (despite a 40-50 lb. weight differential). Our path may be different from many, in that we began in a very successful high performing professional/client relationship, became good acquaintances, close and best of friends, and ultimately fell in love. We knew each other very well before the romance blossomed. This occurred over several years, and as the non-ADHD partner I did not consciously experience the hyper-focus courtship as such. The initial phase of our courtship seemed like any other early-phase of a serious relationship involving magnetic attraction, and very typical. Tellingly (though I didn't have a clue of its significance at the time), she told me on a phone call one day, "I've got to stop this. I've got to stop focusing on you and get my focus back on work." Then, a point came at which I observed the radical shift I now know to be the effect of hyperfocus episodes directed to various interests that are not me, or anyone else on planet earth for that matter including other close friends and family members. We discussed it, disclosures were made, insight was acknowledged and a commitment to return to medication and adopt strategies including authorization for me to "pull her out" agreed to with the predictable (as I would find out) failure to follow. The symptoms remained regularly recurring or even fixtures in our lives, though I didn't recognize many of them as ADHD. I didn't fully understand the scope and severity of ADHD. But the episodes seemed episodic and limited in impact--we were actually managing through. Like many of our partners, mine is at core an incredible person, a high performer, and genuinely capable of kindness, consideration, care and love. We have had a wonderful time together, and are otherwise outrageously compatible. Our relationship progressed to marriage.
And now, we are in crisis as the episodes have become the dominant features in our relationship, the parent-child and SRR the dominant expression of our dynamic and her RSD (in combination with my now raw anger response) the ticking time bomb in every interaction. We're both mobilized in fight/flight mode 24/7 (not good for two people with PTSD) because neither of us knew what would trigger the other. I could not understand what was happening and why, but I increasingly progressed to the point I would not tolerate it. I despaired, was overwhelmed, defeated, grieving for the loss of her and our relationship, hurt, angry, and gave up. I initially straight up told her we're done. But, as was the case in my initial decision to work with her in order to have a life together, she again responded with acknowledgment and willingness to work on the problem and return to therapy. We'd had a manageable path and a really beautiful life together in "chapter 1" of this story, so I relented and agreed to work on my own anger issues as well. And we both have done so.
At the point I issued the ultimatum, several months ago, we were unaware of how completely immersed we'd become in the ADHD marriage. I thought her own behaviors and attitudes, her way of thinking, were learned and ingrained behaviors related to dysfunctional parenting and a toxic family dynamic reinforcing those learned behaviors. She had to work on her hyperfocus disorder which was destroying both our lives. She would not eat, sleep or attend to personal care, and I had no life with her. When she occassionally surfaced for a date night, what I now know to be the RSS/RDS loop ruined our evening 9/10 times. We were both in crisis, and honestly as the non-ADHD partner I was beginning to feel completely disoriented and unhinged myself. What her treater (M.D. psychiatrist) found, much to the point regarding medication in the book, was that the prescribing family doctor (non-mental health professional) had increased her dose of a commonly prescribed drug for off-label treatment of ADHD to maximum levels and she was effectively overdosing with potentially life threatening adverse side effects and almost certainly exacerbating her hyperfocus to extremes. When she'd agreed, now years ago, to return to medication and address proper dosages I'd assumed she was going to a clinical psycholgost or psychiatrist licensed to prescribe. I was wrong and we now believe her prescribing physician was a quack running a pill mill, so beware. If your ADHD partner is willing to see a professional and consider medication, be scrupulous in also following the advice to ensure it is both a mental health professional (not a general practitioner) and a specialist in ADHD. Bottom line, her new doctor may have saved her life by weaning her completely off the medication with weekly in-office visits to continue therapy and monitor the medication.
Here's the thing: as my partner is returned to therapy and weaning off this horribly overprescribed medication (she's been on the maxium dosage level for 7 years without monitoring by a doctor), on which she's now overdosing with resting heart rates exceeding 120 bpm, I'm learning a lot more about ADHD. But she's got her therapist convinced the hyperfocus isn't a symptom of ADHD but solely the result of a "misdiagnosis" and overdose levels of a wrongfully prescribed drug. And, to be sure, aspects of her symptoms including the hyperfocus improve! But nothing, in my observation, completely resolves and symptoms remain at what I, as a lay person who is now much better read on the subject, would say are clinical (observably, functionally impairing) levels. The parent-child dynamic, memory issues, the hyperfocus, procrastination, inability to execute on an agreed plan and meet deadlines, seeming utter disregard for the impact of failure to meet commitments and obligations on others, inability to get places on time and stay "on mission" when out running errands together, chaos around the house, a very shallow level of intimacy and ability to have deep conversations, ongoing RSS/RDS loops, and most importantly denial of ADHD as it turns out, remain.
Over the holidays, we again reached a crisis point, this time in which we both were ready to end our marriage. I can't tolerate her symptoms in the face of apparent denial and she can't tolerate my harsh tone and raised voice. There were day upon day over two weeks of simmering anger, silence, and avoidance. We each put in writing to the other a note expressing our agreement we are at the point of refusing to carry on, and expressed grave doubt there is any point in attempting to continue trying. Pregnant with significance in her communication was her acknowledgement of the pain and mistreatment she'd subjected me to for years, with the excuse and denial that she'd been under the influence of overdose levels of her prescription (as in "I can't help it"), but was making significant progress now (as in, "I'm cured!"). I'd gotten whiffs of this being sponsored by her treater, who doesn't know her from Adam and Eve and I can fully understand would buy into this narrative, supporting this idea. "You're just a high performer (and, she is, at truly elite levels) with a talent for high focus when beneficial who has been abused by a probable malpracticing doctor--now let's work on your non-ADHD issues." So we had "the talk" in which I fully expected the outcome to be discussing how we'd attempt to make a gracious exit from our marriage and life together. But that's not how it went.
In this talk, in which we didn't follow but somewhat wound up adhering to a learning conversation and mirroring in general outline, critically, I addressed my anger issue openly and with clear acknowledgement, apology and commitment to continue working on it with a clear plan. I do have the ability to "suppress" an emotionally disregulated response despite the underlying feeling of anger, frustration and fear, and I agreed to do so and she agreed to understand when I go stoic, seem perhaps to detach and appear cold, and simply disengage, walk away and go for a long walk or run. She agreed to understand, intellectually, I wasn't ignoring, invalidating, or uncaring with regard to whatever would be going on with her. It's an emergency measure while I continue to work on my underlying issues and she is working on her own issues which are in the triggering mix. Second, she affirmed she doesn't believe she has ADHD but will honor her commitment to continue working specifically on a multi-page detailed document she and I did together following the "hot spots" of the ADHD and Marriage book with her therapist and will obtain a professional diagnosis with regard to her symptoms. We are agreed to do the communication seminar and the couples seminar upcoming, and she's in process of reading the course material while we've agreed we'll do the two-week journal together in our prework. On this basis we agreed to march on, and were able to demonstrate a level of warmth and love to each other we have not had in a while. We have the capacity to have adult conversations and this was one.
The single most extraordinary thing in all this is, she remains in denial that she has ADHD. Here's what she said: "I don't think I have it [ADHD], but I told him [her treater] I read that book and have 80% of everything it talks about." Pause a moment and reflect on that statement. Wait. Still. Pause, pause, pause. Reflect. My God. Because I paused and we just looked each other in the eye in that moment, and I began to laugh and told her I'm not laughing at you in a mean way...listen to yourself. As someone who has always demonstrated good insight and willingness to work with a therapist and knows something about all this, in what world would you as a lay person when you look at 8/10 diagnostic criteria (and I assure everyone reading this, that is an understated correspondence for ADHD criteria for her) and not seriously put yourself or someone else in a suspect if not probable category for that diagnosis when seeking treatment? And she laughed with me. And I said, well, you've agreed to get diagnosed to rule in ADHD or rule it out and get to the bottom of whatever else is going on. And she agreed. And then we'll know.
I'd had an "aha" moment when drilling down this past week on RDS. It really helps me understand the "where the hell did that come from?" aspect of her triggers. What was previously utterly mystifying I now, in replay, begin to understand and can begin to avoid. I attempted to tell her about it, but it's a tough approach when your ADHD partner denies ADHD. She thinks I'm knowingly denying I'm doing and saying things that result in disproportionate or inexplicable (to me) responses from her. Nevertheless, she listened carefully, cocked her head and after clearly giving it a moment to think, responded, "Well, I do respond defensively."
And that is why in this minute of this hour on this day, which is the measure of where we are in this crisis, we're together. Godspeed to everyone, ADHD, suspected and probable ADHD, diagnosed and undiagnosed, and all the non-ADHD and ADHD partners on the lower end of the ADHD continuum, out there.
