Had a short text conversation with my ex about one of the teenagers today. We hadn’t texted for perhaps a couple of months. I always keep it to an absolute minimum.
Today he was actually kind in his text. Stating he cared about our daughters and my relationship.
And the tone of his texting rang from the security of another time, when there was love and trust and deep connection.
It struck me then, he probably still exists in that pocket of safety. He hasn’t understood what his ADHD has done to me, to my sense of safety, to my sense of innate worth. After all, he’s never experienced the love of his life morph into something horrific and nauseating. He hasn’t had his life partner explain the last 20 years of his life were built on insincerity, because they masked their true emotions and opinions.
I cannot fully grasp the disparity between our minds and our different views of what happened in this marriage.
Comments
What you state does resonate
What you stated about husband not understanding what his ADHD has done to you and your relationship really resonated with me - I feel the same way in my marriage. It is almost as if we are living two distinct lives with no interconnection. I presume it is just the way his brain works and sees the world, but it is very distressing to think of being with someone for so long only to determine they really did not get you at all!
Thinking of you.
They don't get it
What you post and what Neuchatel said in response got me, though. When you're "in it" ("in" ADD/ADHD) it suddenly makes sense to me that you (they) DON'T get it. Your/their world view is different. Our inner workings are very different. Meaning, sadly, we can't reach that place so many relationships do reach and are meant to reach: that place of being "there" with each other. I have wondered if we haven't been there because perhaps I held my DH out at arm's length after so much discord. But this changes my perspective. I don't think his mind and my mind can meet "there."
It's kind of like expecting an active alcoholic to see that they have a problem, that they are negatively impacting their own and others' lives. They deny. They don't see it. Until, in many cases, they hit that proverbial rock bottom.
As for your ex not getting it, I get how much that has to hurt/how frustrating it must be.
Wake Up Weston
This topic of "not getting it" or being not able to see yourself as others do ( having ADHD ) is a common theme for those who have nuerodivergent partners. I've heard it before, I've experienced this [ phenomonon ] and am keenly aware that it exists.
For the moment, I'm going to take the position of someone who's very aware of this to the pount, that even now, I have no real answer or means to effectively change this "thing" I have no name for. Even more recently, despite me being aware....all being aware has done ( in essense ) has made this "thing" even more apparent to me with little of no means to stop this "thing" from happening. You'd think, I'd gst use to it after so long but the truth is, you never get use to it. It's still just this "thing" that you can't do anything about that causes people to react to you in some very predictable ways. More often than not, it's just frustrating, like a splinter in your toe that stabs you when you walk.
Apologizing up front for the length of my response....
Best I can do is try and describe my experience to tell you what it's like. I'm back in town ( my home base ) and I'm using all my creative talents to make a workable lifestyle while I'm in town. I also have a new puppy in tow which actually has driven a number of new discoveries.
*side note: Border Collies are sooo fricking smart !!
I'm finding also, society at large doesn't have a catagory for people without an "address". Another interesting "thing"....when you don't have an address and that "box" can't get filled in people don't know what to do with that. Case in point.
Going way back to my growing up experience, anyone reading this needs to concider a hugely important detail. I thought I was "normal" like everyone else. I ws told I was "normal", my parents and family needed me to be "normal" ( for their own reasons ), teachers, parents, other kids, needed you to be normal. Just like being without a "dwelling with an address"...there's really no allowances made for the catogary without a "box" to fill in. Accomidations yes, but no real "allowances" made....that distinction is very real, when you experience it from the other side.
Without going through all I've recently done to create this alternative lifestyle for myself, I remembered a very nice community recreation center that I used only once when I first moved here. I'm skipping the reason why that is for now, and getting to the part as to why I returned: big indoor swimming pools, sauna, jaccuzzis ( hot tubs )....as I plan to make that a part of my daily routine. Also, the "Senior Center " is attached to the same building which has resourses there for me to use.
So as I was soaking in the jaccuzzi this morning...I had a flashback to a swimmer I use to compete against His name was John Weston...but to look at him, you'd never guess was a phenominal swimmer he was. He was truly a gifted athelete, but you couldn't tell that from appearances. He was a bit pudgy with a little extra weight around the middle. His posture wasn't very good, and he moved very slowly in his mannerisms: walking, talking, moving in general....but his most pronounced physical feature was his heavy eyelids which made him look sleepy all the time. So much so, his nickname was "Wake Up Weston", by most people who knew him.
Without belaboring this point, Wake Up Weston was not only fast at middle diatance swims, particularly, the 200 Freestyle...he'd not only beat you, he'd beat you by lengths of the pool...not just yards !! He was THAT good...but you'd never know to:speak to him, look at him, observe him move..of any other way to access somwone as gifted as he was. It simply didn't show.....but all those other things did! That's my point. They didn't call him "Wake Up" for nothing...those charactoristics were easy to see.
And even this morning when I saw myself for the first time in a full lenfth mirror ( naked ) in the locker room. I was kind of shocked at how tan I am and how much weight I've lost. I don't even recognize myself,...my skin is so dark!! Yet, I don't think about that at all, in fact, I didn't even realize it until just this morning.
All I can say is this to sum up this "thing" now in retrospect. I may not have that pronounced a thing like "Wake Up"...but I have a thing that nuanced yet noticible that people notice at times. And just like with John, it may cause people to mischaractorize or under estimate his abitilities UNTIL....you swam agaibat him. I can assure you...that "Wake Up Weston" nickname was not derogetory...it was mearly pounting out this disparagy and how obvious it was. I can tell you, it didn't seem to affect the way he performed
So from my point of view, it's not about "not getting it" or not being aware if my "thing" ( that has no name ). Just like "Wake Up"...I'm fully aware it's there AND... that I'm not "normal" as I was told. I'm fully aware of this now more than ever... but just like John Weston, there's little I can do about it.
On the other hand...it has no bearing or effect on how well I perform so it's not somwthing I even try to change or modify or even care to anymore. Not caring what others think, is completely different than "not getting it" or not "being aware". I still can't see my "thing" like others can but at this point in time, it completely doesn't matter.
In my case...it's all the above. That's the answer.