Forum:
I am bringing my best self in dealing with my husband (trying to be patient, not getting angry, explaining how I feel). He continues to tell me he will “fix” things he does not do, but inevitably he does not do it, apologizes, and then we go through the same thing in a week. My patience is definitely wearing thin. How should I explain to him this is corrosive to our relationship? He keeps telling me he understands, but the changes he said he would make never come. Am I being unrealistic to expect him to be an adult who is responsible for their household obligations? I am just so very tired of having to carry what feels like the “full load” for all the household.
Comments
Change
To me, your expectations of sharing housework fairly are unquestionable. But they’re neurotypical expectations and might not be recognized by an ADHD mind.
I generally don’t think people change much at all, and certainly not if they don’t want to. An ADHD husband who over time hasn’t prioritized his wife’s needs isn’t likely to change, at 23 or at 73. I’m also convinced that how the wife reacts to this doesn’t matter. One may put a lot of thought into one’s walking on eggshells, bringing things up in the softest voice at the right time, using the most delicate language et cetera, but as far as I’ve seen, all this changes nothing.
Resentment will show anyhow, and it doesn’t change anything either.
As I’m struggling to let go of a few people I love deeply, but whose behavior is too hard for me to keep them in my life, this theme circles my mind every day. To be with someone, especially live with them (and probably especially in retirement which makes for more daily friction), you need to be able to accept them on the whole.
You can’t have that never happening change as a condition for wanting to be with them. They need to be good enough as they are.
Even if you’re emotionally so bound to them, it seems impossible to break the bond.