Forum topic: How to be Patient

To me, your expectations of sharing housework fairly are unquestionable. But they’re neurotypical expectations and might not be recognized by an ADHD mind. 

I generally don’t think people change much at all, and certainly not if they don’t want to. An ADHD husband who over time hasn’t prioritized his wife’s needs isn’t likely to change, at 23 or at 73. I’m also convinced that how the wife reacts to this doesn’t matter. One may put a lot of thought into one’s walking on eggshells, bringing things up in the softest voice at the right time, using the most delicate language et cetera, but as far as I’ve seen, all this changes nothing. 

Resentment will show anyhow, and it doesn’t change anything either.

As I’m struggling to let go of a few people I love deeply, but whose behavior is too hard for me to keep them in my life, this theme circles my mind every day. To be with someone, especially live with them (and probably especially in retirement which makes for more daily friction), you need to be able to accept them on the whole. 

You can’t have that never happening change as a condition for wanting to be with them. They need to be good enough as they are.

Even if you’re emotionally so bound to them, it seems impossible to break the bond. 

What Swedish said: I agree. 

With what Swedish said : I generally don’t think people change much at all, and certainly not if they don’t want to.

The first part I heard before, "people don't change". I've argued that they do before, but I now have a better idea of how to say what changes and what doesn't change, using myself as an example.

This gets into the realm of the uncanny but what I'm about to say, is true. This is not some fictional accounting or vague memory of a dream or fantasy I had that did't happen. Its not a hallucination or sometging I just "dreamed up" recently, to try and explain my own experience and my actual words. 

I know I mentioned this ( here ) long ago ( years ago ), but I'll say it again as a reminder that I actually did, say these exact words. 

At age ( 4 ? ), traditional "pre-school" age. I told my mother ( she retold this part to me ), that I wanted to learn to swim like Tarzan. Tarzan was my childhood hero ( portrayed by Johhny Weismuller ) who he himself was an Olympic gold medalist in his personal life.  I had no knowledge of any of that. I didn't conceptually differentiate Johnny Weismuller from Tarzan on the TV screen.  I only knew him as Tarzan and Tarzan is who I wanted to be. I remember distinctly, seeing the swimming scenes, which of course the film makers used his ability and featured it prominently in the movies. Again, I had no knowledge of this what so ever at age 4. I only knew I wanted to be like Tarzan, King of the Jungle, who could talk to the animals. 

The "Tarzan Archetype" is the orphaned boy child raised in the wild by animals. This shows up in "The Jungle Book" story of Mogli raised by wolves as well. I wasn't aware of that story yet so Tarzan is who I told my mother I wanted to be like at age 4. 

My argument is, I wanted to be like him, because I am him. Not the fictional character, the embodied archetype that I recognized on the screen. Yet there was no way of of knowing that at the time. Which is just eerie to me. It manifested itself into physical form in reality without any awareness that it did.  This is complete subconscious...outside of my awareness until now.

There's no way I can explain this in any other way. Me telling my mom age 4 I want to be like Tarzan so she signed me up for swimming lessons shortly after. Then, when there were no more lessons left, the only other option available was swim team at age 6. That was completely "me" directed. My mother only facilitated it and made it happen but it definitely WAS NOT her idea. It's what I wanted, she was deathly afraid of water able anything water related. Almost phobic of water and could barely swim herself. She was "bobber" in the shallow end only as I recall. She just bobbed around ( with her feet on the bottom )...but I also remember her getting in with me and holding me while she bobbed around.  I don't recall her ever actually swimming because she didn't know how. Plus, she was deathly afraid.  Go figure? 

So I didn't get this way from her or my dad. My sisters weren't big swimmers even tho they learned ( I guess ?? ).

And now, here I am, at age 68....going to live in the "Jungle" with the animals. And to clear, there's absolutely no connection between my 4 year old self wanting to be Tarzan and any motivating factor or desire, my life long dream, my goals or any other motivation factor what so ever in the entire arc of my life between my 4 year old self coming to my mom and telling her I wanted to swim like Tarzan. ( Johhny Weismuller ). It's uncanny is what I trying to point out. Even to me. It's simply hard to believe but it's absolutely true.

This....has not changed.  What ever this is, this is no different. I hope I've conveyed this somewhat irrefutable truth in a way I can say what has changed.  In respect to my archetype....everything else is different except for right now. I adapted to civilization and a civilized world contrary to my innate nature.

But what's also uncanny is I embody all of the Tarzan archetype characteristics. Down to the last detail.  The only way I can explain this to myself is through Jungian analysis of the Anumus /Anima ...feminine and masculine integration,  which everyone has coded into our DNA. Both men and woman have both...masculine and feminine traits by nature. It's the disconnection or unrecognized parts that cause problems in our psyches. I firmly believe this, as it holds true in my case in particular to me.

Further, I'll argue that. It's recognized by women who have talked about me "being in touch with my feminine side" which actually wasn't actually a compliment at the time. Lol That only meant they could recognize "something". Just like I recognized "something" in the Tarzan character that I wanted to be like. And that manifested into that actually character which is so unreal to me, that it's just uncanny. Down the last detail.

In reality.  I actually was "orphaned" by my parents and became feral...roaming the streets of my neighborhood. Being raised by all the other parents I came into contact with. Then latching onto my swim coach as my surrogate parent. That actually did happen. That's reality. 

So to argue that I stayed a feral orphaned street urchant is clearly not the case. I was never that "archetype" of character.  Yet I'm still Tarzan....in the archetypical manifested physical form. There's no way to deny this.  You can't dismiss this because it actually happened. And nothing within this archetype in me has ever changed.

And whether you choose Tarzan ( as I did ) or Mogli or any other fictional character ..there are other real  people like this, like me, out there. 

And just exactly like the story...Tarzan becomes civilized and educated and learns how to integrate into society. To change from who he was to something different. 

That's change.  And thers no denying it. And one of those people who said " people don't change  was my older sister. She said those exact words and I whole heartedly beg to differ.  

I also considered the fact, that Jane might be my perfect mate...as my counter part. It's the only  logical assumption I cam come up with ?

...that IMHO, this is how God works. I attribute this to the creator.  I'm not here to argue the existence of God or even what that word means. I have no idea what "God" is truly. I only understand how God works and this is it. I don't even have to know what God is ( what ever that thing we call "God" is ) to know "him"  by his work.

 In the English language at least, there's no allowance for "it" in terms of God so by default humans give "it" a gender.  Why would the creator need a gender? The creator doesn't "resproduce" like humans. It creates...because it's the creator. 

Thats why I use that term ( creator ) instead of God. And I avoid intentionally calling "it" ..."he". I dont know what it is to be honest? I dont know? I only say God and he out of conveniece and so I dont spark a debate on what God is. Its not a she either. Again...why would God need a gender? Per se? 

And if you're an an Athiest, which I don't judge, this line of reasoning is moot. 

In other words, this flies, in my mind. It's what I believe for what it's worth.