My husband and I have been together for 10 years. He is SEVERELY ADHD, diagnosed as a young child back in the 90s. His entire family is the same. His father is so bad he has never been able to function like a normal adult. Though his family is extremely close, loving, sweet and supportive. He has always had a beautiful home life and family.
I on the other hand was born into a family of addiction, mental illness and every form of abuse. I was abused until I was 25. I have CPTSD, as I was heavily manipulated and brainwashed my entire life. I now have orders of protection against my biological family and moved across the country just so that they couldn’t find me for our safety. I live in fear everyday that one of them will find me and kill me. I cannot express how hard I am trying not to exaggerate here.
My husband is a saint. The sweetest, most caring person. Will do anything to help anyone. Absolute golden retriever, everyone he meets LOVES him to death. Goofy, humble, hard working. This is the person I am absolutely in love with. He is a saint! And I mean it.
Until his switch is flipped..
My husband’s anger is the most intense thing I have ever experienced. Anything can trigger him. I didn’t do the dishes, I did the dishes, I asked when he could fix the water hose, I forgot where we were going. Anything, almost never logical or consistent.
Then I get to see the highest energy I’ve ever seen in a human. An atom bomb going off. Screaming, red faced, spitting. For hours.. and HOURS. It is very scary. He will scream as loud as he can at me for 8 hours straight without taking a break. It used to last for days at a time. After 10 years together and one whole year of weekly couples therapy, the outbursts are down to hours. But they have never stopped. Even though developing self awareness and learning about ADHD himself.
I have been studying ADHD obsessively for 7 years. I feel like an expert. I even help our friends now with their ADHD issues and relationships. I know why he does everything. I know the triggers are actually just emotional dysregulation. I have zero issues with every other aspect of his ADHD. I have spent years training myself to understand why he does ALL these crazy things all the time, and how to deal with them and let them go. I couldn’t care less about the constant state of chaos. I simply do not want to continue to be abused after all the abuse I have already suffered from. The things he says to me when triggered are things that my brain can never forget. The lies, gaslighting. He will actually downplay my previous abuse and tell me things like I am using my CPTSD as a crutch or an excuse. Telling me that I have no reason to be so emotional and sensitive. He will also downplay my chronic illnesses and pain. He has no understanding of my constant emotional pain of being unwanted by everyone in my life or how hard is it for me to function normally. He is absolutely cruel. No matter what I do. When I tell you I have read every article and forum I can find. Books, seminars, therapy. Staying calm, talking back, on my knees begging for him to let me go, crying, telling him I love him. I have asked multiple times to be tested for schizophrenia, which my therapist was adamant that I did not have. Because he made me believe that I was seeing hallucinations. The only that helped me with this was secretly recording him to go back and see that he was in fact lying to me.
But I’m the only one who knows about any of this. He is such a saint that I am certain that even if I tried to explain this anyone that knows him, no one would ever believe me. I couldn’t even get our therapist to understand what is literally happening because the man she was talking to every week was kind, understanding, empathetic, totally calm and reasonable. Because he is. Until he’s not. I have no one in my life to confide in. I’ve been completely alone most of my life. I have no friends or family to talk to. Only him. He is my only family. I guess that’s why I’m here.
I know that he is using venting to regulate his out of control emotions. I know this is painful for him. I know that he only acts like this towards me because I am his safe place, he knows I won’t leave. Because I love him. I know he feels extreme shame, guilt and regret every time he does this. He apologizes, cries, buys me flowers and does extra things to show how sorry his is. HE DOES NOT WANT THIS, probably just as bad as I do. I know this. But the abuse continues.
These fights destroy me. I was never allowed to clap back or show emotion as a child or I would worsen the abusive incident. I’m not a fighter, I’m a Libra. I just want to understand and have grace and empathy for everyone. It hurts me so much to see others in pain. These episodes are Mentally and emotionally so hard for me that it leaves me physically sick for sometimes days afterwards. I also have multiple chronic illness that leave me in pain and exhausted on a regular basis. Again, he is supper supportive.. until he’s not. Until all my chronic illnesses and pain are just in my head.. and I’m actually not sick, just selfish and lazy. I have to constantly overcome my own dysfunctional mind to stay calm and functioning.
The way he has treated me for the past 10 years is, BY DEFINITION, abuse. I fee like if I ever used this word with him, he would EXPLODE with defensiveness. I don’t think he could handle the truth in any form. And definitely not if it’s coming from me. He can so easily disregard anything I say or do if it keeps him from facing negative emotions.
I’m so worn down. The more I heal myself, the more exhausted I am by every fight and outburst. Even though they are shorter and less frequent, I don’t see any end in sight. And it becomes harder and harder to tolerate without freaking out myself. And we all know how it goes when the submissive one finally yells back…
Will I fee this pain of being alone forever? Is there any human that could care enough about me to understand what I’ve gone through? It is so easy for him to convince me that I am the only problem. And everything he does to me is my fault. It’s the same thing I’ve heard my whole life, seems legit.
It is so physically painful for me to have everyone in my life reject me. To be hated by my own family, who I only ever tried to please. The feeling of being hated as a child, knowing that I was only 5 years old when these people were hurting me. What could I have possibly done wrong. But it feels like I continue to do everything wrong. And disappoint the only person who has ever cared about me. The only person who has ever protected me. My husband.
I want to be the strong woman who can take it on the chin. I want to be able to let it go because I know it’s about his emotions even when he is constantly placing the blame on me. I have tried every idea and technique that I’ve seen anyone mention. I don’t think he could calm down if Jesus himself dropped down and told him to take a breath. He has so much energy that it destroys him and I both. No one wants this.
But how do I get him to read all the articles I’ve collected to help him? The books, videos, anything. He complains constantly about how difficult his ADHD is on him, but will never have “the time” to seek help from others. And he will often disregard my own research because people on the internet don’t know shit. Even if they have a PhD or a lifetime or their own experience and research.
It’s one of the great wonders of life. How do you help someone who doesn’t want help? I need help. I want help. What do I do? How do you make it stop when the person doing it isn’t willing to stop? He wants to but he won’t.
Im unsure of what I'm even looking for. Maybe I just needed someone to know that pain exists. I don’t know.
