For context I am 8 years into a relationship with my ADHD partner, who I also got engaged to 2 years ago. I also JUST figured out 2 years ago that many of the issues in our relationship can be attributed to his untreated ADHD (along with my lack of knowledge around ADHD), even though I knew all along he had ADHD. He has chosen to be unmedicated for most of his life, and for the longest time I supported that decision.
At one point in our relationship, in 2021 after being holed up together for all of COVID-19, I had actually broken up with him. We lived together at the time, and his behavior was so out of control I simply couldn't deal with it anymore (the breaking point for me was when we had an argument while grocery shopping, and while checking out he completely shut down, sat down on the floor in the middle of self-checkout with his arms crossed, like an actual 5 year old). After we were split up for a year he changed some things about himself and his life, enough to where I felt comfortable getting back together with him and apparently getting engaged to him (lol). Overall his behavior had improved drastically– he went from being unmotivated and passive to pursuing his bachelors and masters degree, and just generally handling life like a functioning adult.
However... after being settled in together for several years, other unresolved aspects of his ADHD are rearing their heads. Hence me being here today.
I've found that most of his symptoms are based in emotional dysregulation, although there are some aspects of the planning disorder that come up, especially in trying to resolve conflicts and work to improve our behaviors. I think that is what's most frustrating for me. As long as his disorder isn't treated, I don't think there is any way to resolve our conflicts, or for him to adapt or change his behaviors, aside from them being completely forgotten about until the same thing happens again. We will argue and he will say things that bring me to tears, and then the next day he has forgotten all of it. I find myself thinking (even though it isn't wholly true) that he simply isn't able to retain information, or that he isn't willing to do what it takes to work on himself, which causes my expectations to fall very short of what I know he is actually capable of.
I also find that I'm terribly ill-equipped to have productive (and not counter-productive) conversations about these troubles (another reason why I'm here– luckily he is in the process of getting another diagnosis, and I am in the middle of therapy and getting resources for ADHD and ADHD relationships).
Lately I've been having horrible thoughts about whether or not I would have signed up for this if I was more knowledgeable at the time I met him. We're planning on getting married in 8 months, and I constantly have this internal push-and-pull between knowing deep down I love him and want to be with him, and the part of me that is so sick and tired of dealing with these more negative aspects of ADHD. I feel sad, confused, lonely, and just completely at a loss sometimes. On top of that I constantly have anxiety about this wedding. I fear I'll end up wanting to back out, I fear that I'll waste my parent's money, but most of all I fear the idea that I wasn't able to make it work with someone who, aside from these unfortunate circumstances, I truly love and admire as a human being.
