Recent forum posts (all topics)

So, I'm gonna be real. Anyone else that has used wine as a way to cope w/ ADD of spouse?? I have. Now he is using that weakness against me as yet another way to not be accountable for his ADD which continues to desecrate our marriage. Now he can use my wine habit against me. He doesn't drink at all. Father alcoholic. So, black/white issue to him. I can't win. Ever. 
 

I just had a horrible fight with my husband and actually screamed like a lunatic and wanted to rip my hair out.
He took no responsibility, forgot all our recent conversations and promises, then said even if he did promise
so what, and did exactly what I had asked him not to do and refused to admit that was a problem. 

As I am reading the book ADHD effect on marriage, I am feeling nauseatingly hopeless. Because I see it all so clearly
and I don't actually think anything will change this. And I see how awful it is. It feels like a curse and I actually have no
hope now. First of all he will never take meds. And all the effort to manage the myriad problems seems like it will just
further suck the life out of me.

And frankly all the stuff about only being responsible for myself and not being angry because that doesn't help etc, ... please,
tell me how to do this in a marriage where we are entwined in every possible way and every thing he does impacts my life
and the chaos never ends and he has rejection dysphoria as well as hating his mother and we take one step forward and
always two steps back. 

Forget it. I am screwed. 12 years, and I have no plan B. I'm too exhausted to try anymore, I don't think it will work. 
Sometimes I really just feel so desperate it's frightening.

 

I'm sorry. I just .... need to scream. I really need to scream. But it hurts my throat so I can't scream. 

I am reading the book ADHD effect on marriage. I will have my ADHD husband read it as well. But in the meantime, and even though we are deep into discussion about his ADHD, and ostensibly working on it together, it is in FULL FORCE.

Me (34F) and my ex boyfriend (33M, dx ADHD during childhood ) have been exclusively dating for 7 months. On the first day we met, he already asked if we could date exclusive into which I agreed because I am looking for a serious and lasting relationship. As we date, I noticed his closeness to other women, one he has a female best friend who he dated before and second, another woman who he said is just a friend. I established my boundary that talking to a lot of women daily is unacceptable to me and meeting them in private is also disrespectful. He said he minimized talking to them and met them seldom. But the second woman was always the one I had a feeling has feelings for him more than a friend. 

Fast forward this September, I got angry at him for not answering his phone. He was not the calling guy and only does videocalls because I am used to doing it with family and friends. I got a feeling he is with another woman or is doing something in hiding. I went to his house and told him I am mad as he has been ignoring my calls minutes after our last message. He has been doing it before too but this time I got extremely emotional about it. As we were talking, I saw some pills on his table and to my surprise, one was a contraceptive pill. I was mad as hell and asked him to whom it belongs. After that he told me everything. That the second woman slept at his place last night and also slept there 7 or more times since we dated. He also told me he dated this woman before me! I was so angry that I told him to message the woman and tell her not to meet again! I slapped him and punch him on the shoulder and said a lot of awful things! I was so mad all I can think of is call him names. He said the reason he did that was because sometimes when I am not around he needs someone to be there. That he is empty inside and nothing really reached his heart. He said they never had sex while the two of us are dating but they took a bath together and cuddled which I told him was disgusting! I asked him more than 10 times if they had sex or not because I am worried of contacting STD to which he consistently answered no they didn’t have sex because to him, she is not as attractive as I am. 

We get back together then he broke up with me because he said he can’t forgive himself for what he did and that he needed to find himself. He was crying so hard the day I found out he was lying. He even cried more after that, even while we were dojng groceries, he would cry. He promised to never lie again and not do it again but he needed to heal before going into a relationship. He broke up with me but then asked if I could wait for him until he figures himself. 

H told me he was diagnosed with ADHD when he was young. I never gave it a thought so much but when all these happened, I searched and read a lot about ADHD. He also was diagnosed with depression and had anxiety throughout our relationship. My question is: 

1. could it be that because of his ADHD he made impulsive actions with another woman and may also be the woman stimulates him more because they have the same hobbies and likes? He also said they are both lonely and different so they relate to each other

2. When he told me he loves me and wants to build a family did he mean it or he just said that to please me because he knows having a family is one of my dreams. 

3. When he said he won’t lie and do it again did he mean it or there’s a big possibility he would do it again?

4. Should I wait for him or just let him go?

I need help for clarity! Thanks in advance everybody!

Non ADHD Spouse with frustrations and concerns.

 Very new to all of this and grateful to have found this site. Married 13 years and miserable most of that time. My husband is 65 and displays most of the classic symptoms of ADHD. Can't remember anything, loses track of time, unreliable, misplaces things, absent from the marriage... the list goes on.
 

How do I help my partner who has RSD? The RSD  incidents get extreme from me saying normal things which trigger them because of their insecurities and sense of failure. 
 

I am constantly trying to help and support them. It's draining because I have to continually apologise for saying what would be normal things to anyone else. Friends notice how they behave and say I've done nothing wrong. 
 

They lash out with cruel words, give me the silent treatment, go off for hours and then I wait until they come back to be told off. 
 

Step 1: A place to cultivate empathy for our ADHD partners.

Hello everyone!  I am married to a lady (Kim) who I now understand struggles with ADHD/OCD related challenges.

She has only been able to hold jobs for about three months out of the last nine years. Her brother suggested I read the book "Scattered" by Gabor Mate which I did and I am now on Chapter 6 of the ADHD Effect on Marriage.

Thank you very much for your book, Melissa, I feel you have been reading my mail :-)