Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“You can only change yourself.  But when you do, isn’t it funny how everybody around you changes, too?”

-Steven Tyler

ADHD Marriage blog and forum

Dr. Hallowell's website and sign-up for Hallowell Connections Newsletter

Sign up for these weekly marriage tips and other announcements related to ADHD & Marriage

The Way You Change Others

One of the great myths of courtship is that you will get married and be able to “change” your partner in ways that please you.  How many frustrated partners have discovered that they can in no way change their spouse?!

The only person you can change is yourself, but Steve Tyler’s observation above is correct.  When you change yourself, others adjust to the changes you make.  Sometimes that adjustment is in the negative, but most often I see that it’s in the positive.  You control your anger, for example, and your partner calms down, too.

So I always recommend to couples that they seek to be the best person they, themselves, can be and make the changes in themselves that are needed to get there.  Be supportive, loving, respectful – be all the things you value.  It will encourage your partner to follow suit.  And if he or she doesn’t?  When you are at your best it’s much easier to go to your partner and ask them to make the changes in themselves that you would appreciate.  You set the tone for a better relationship.  It’s harder for a partner to justify continued anger in the face of your calm, for example.

MY NEXT SESSION OF THE ADHD EFFECT COUPLES COURSE STARTS ON WEDNESDAY, APRIL 25, 2012.  FOR MORE INFORMATION, GO TO THIS LINK.

© 2011 Melissa Orlov