Who’s In Charge of Me?

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Making your emotional well-being dependent on what someone else says or does creates a vicious trap for both of you because you now have someone to blame when things don’t go your way.  From this point forward you have virtually volunteered to be a victim in your own life.

A better strategy for helping rather than hindering a healthy relationship is to accept full responsibility for everything you think and feel.   Past a certain point it hardly matters what your partner says or does unless you are able to be an effective shepherd of your own thoughts and emotions.  The likelihood that you will enjoy a satisfying long-term partnership generally depends less on your relationship with another person and more on your relationship with yourself.   While this may seem like a simple concept, it’s one of the most challenging and ongoing tasks you will ever face.”

- Bill Herring, therapist

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When I work with couples, one of the first things I try to do is get them away from thinking about how much their partner is contributing to their troubles and towards their own contribution and actions.  This isn’t done because I think their partner isn’t an issue – when a relationship breaks down both partners always play a role.  The reason I focus spouses on themselves is that the only person they can change is themselves.

In fact, good couples therapy is all about:
1.) getting each individual to clearly see their own their weaknesses and strengths;
2.) creating a shared vision of the future and
3.) creating a plan to fulfill that vision. 

No one says they wish to create a future in which they are miserable or dependent upon their partner, so taking the steps for improving your relationship with yourself is always part of the plan we create.  I write about the process I used to do this in the “Setting Boundaries and Finding Your Own Voice” chapter of my book.

Herring’s words are wise…and well worth pondering as you think about your own life.

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© 2012 Melissa Orlov