Not that this is news to me but it hit me in the face AGAIN that I am married to a 48 year old child. A little backstory--DH has been in Houston since September 1. His company has properties there and 9 of them flooded so they sent him down there to head up the fix-it project. It could be 4-5 months. I gotta say--I was thrilled when this happened. We have been talking about separating for a long time. Our oldest son has been in Costa Rica on a gap year since Sept 16 so it's just me and the 16 year old. And we just found out the owners of our building are not renewing leases because they are going to rennovate and reconfigure so we have to move by June 15. So we spent our 22nd anniversary on October 7 talking about whether we would get one apartment or two. We do not see eye to eye about parenting at all and that has been a HUGE thing the past five years as our two sons got oder (one is 16, one is 18). So last weekend DH was up here from Houston for three days. The 16 year old had a marching band compettion 90 minutes away and we actually went together and had a terrific time. I had a glimmer of hope. I should have known better because THIS weekend I got the same sullen, not listening, out to lunch person that I want to separate from. I have asked him for the past, oh, 6 months to dismantle the fishtank which has been empty for months. Still not done. And instead of having the 16 year old do his homework, they sat at the table and played games most of yesterday, and then when I insisted the the child do his homework, DH says nothing and spends the rest of yesterday and today barely saying a word. What is that? The minute there is any whisper of conflict he just retreats. I called him on it twice and he denies it, but seriously. Grow up already. The child has homework. Perhaps put the games aside and, oh, be a parent and insist he do it for gods sake. So that glimmer of hope went poof. When will I learn.
I am married to a child
Submitted by dvance on 10/15/2017.
Hopeless
Submitted by tiredofbeinghis... on
My husband has been diagnosed with ADHD but he refuses to accept the diagnosis or do anything about it. I talked him into marriage counseling by saying I would leave if he didn't go. The marriage counselor tried to get him to see how disruptive, frustrating, and hurtful his behavior is. He admitted to having a "little memory problem" but claimed the real problem is that my standards are much too high. The counselor tried to get him to use lists. He refused. The counselor suggested that I put things in our e-calendar and send them to his phone. He doesn't accept the events most of the time and, when he does accept the reminders, he just deletes and ignores them when they pop up. For nearly 30 years, everything in the world has been my responsibility and anything he does (or pays for) is a favor that he can bestow or withhold. The counselor finally got him to agree to take on three chores that he would be responsible for and would be totally off my plate. He doesn't do them and gets furious if I remind him. The counselor told me not to do the chores but then they don't get done and I am spending a huge amount of energy trying to ignore buckets of dirty clothes, no clean towels, bags of trash that don't get to the curb, and overflowing litter boxes. If I do one of his chores, and tell him I did it because I got tired of the mess, he either smiles and says, "Good!" or accuses me of doing it to make his look bad. He told the counselor, "If she would just stop whining and bitching all of the time everything would be fine." When the counselor pointed out that it would only be fine for him, he got furious. He refuses to see the impact he has on me. He absolutely refuses to apologize if he upsets or hurts me. He says he isn't being malicious so I don't have the right to be upset or hurt. The counselor tried to get him to see that it doesn't matter if it is intentional, and his attitude and behavior invalidates my feelings and that makes me more frustrated and angry. He just launched into the legal definition of intent and culpability. The counselor asked me to take a deep breath, walk away, and not nag or complain for a month to see what happened. I did it but my husband relaxed and did even less. He admitted to the counselor that I had "gotten off his back" and said how much he enjoyed the peace and quiet. When the counselor asked if me not nagging had made it easier to do his chores, he admitted that he still had not done them. He doesn't do anything that he doesn't want to do. He is emotionally absent. He says I talk too much and prefers eating in front of the TV so I eat alone. He controls the TV in the den, flipping channels and watching screaming political rants so I sit by myself in the kitchen or bedroom at night. He can literally go days without talking to me unless he needs something. He just goes to work, comes home, eats (he is morbidly obese), and watches TV. If I try to get him to do something around the house, he agrees, doesn't follow through, and then picks a fight and uses my anger as an excuse to leave the house and not do whatever I asked him to do. He has tantrums and threatens me - more than one piece of furniture has been broken and we've patched a lot of holes in the walls. I am exhausted, lonely, and angry all of the time. I work long hours in a very demanding job, take care of my elderly father, help my kids, and hate the mess and the chaos that he adds to my life. I can get really mean to him when I am tired and overwhelmed. I admit that I don't treat him with a lot of respect because I always expect the worst of him. I try to appreciate the things he does that are positive but they get so outweighed by the day to day stress that I focus on his faults. I quit the counseling because it was actually making it worse to have to face his refusal to hear me or the counselor, or do anything to make it better. Now it feels totally hopeless.
Hi. I'm now divorced but
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Hi. I'm now divorced but much of what you said resonates with me regarding when I was still married. Here's an example: At one period near the end, my then-husband and I had an agreement that he would do one chore: vacuum once per week. During the year or so of this agreement, he kept to that schedule once. That is, there was only one time that the interval between vacuumings was one week. The rest of the time, it was three weeks or a month.
PoisonIvy
Submitted by jennalemone on
I am glad you are still posting. I wonder myself if I were divorced now, how I would feel and what I would be up to. I would probably be like you....still hanging on and focused on the past for a while....having been married and "marred" for so long. It must be a lot to process after it is over. I know you are writing things here for our benefit - to give your credence to our own predicaments and emotions. Thanks. I know that once you get your feelings and married history in order you will not need to come here anymore. But I will miss your writings. I don't know if I will ever be able to afford to split. Half of my investments would go to him and he has very little to share with me although he is due twice as much social security as me since for the years I had kids at home, I worked part time and any extra money I saved, H used to "take time off" from working because he "deserved some time off". Now he could afford to divorce me but I can't afford to divorce him. A kick in the teeth for us women who were expected to be "home with the kids, supporting the family through domestic and family caretaking". A lawyer explained to me that social security is personal insurance....not an asset to be split evenly between lifelong married couples. Just a note to women younger than me, Social Security goes to the person who it is paid in for....not for the married couple.
Anyway, PoisonIvy, I watch your emotional and personal status and hope you will find love and community to be able to fill the void where "worrying about the status of your marriage" has left you with "Now, what shall I fill my mind with?"
I practice this now. I will lay in bed in the morning and at night and give myself the challenge of, "Where would I like to be waking up and what situation would I like to be greeting me this morning?" I go to bed at night and use my mind to dwell in a space of "What do I have in my past and present to be grateful for?" and "What could I do with my life and situation where tomorrow I might have more to be happy about?" It is not enough and I am still feeling "wanting". It is just a tool to help a little. You are in the enviable situation of seeming to have financial security without your H. I hope you will take advantage and if you are physically and mentally able, to travel and adventure out and have a wonderful future. Please let us know how you are finding your old self, your own self back again.
Jenna
Submitted by kellyj on
First I wanted to say to C... I was sorry for his loss with his mother passing away recently, I certainly can relate with you there and it does take time to process these things through. I actually attempted to post to you the other night but my finger was dysfunctional and I kept losing the post so I gave up... touchy cell phone screen you know.
It's funny Jenna that I was thinking the same thing as you were asking, I've heard others here who have been split or divorced and speculating what their husbands with ADHD would be doing? I have to say haven't been here before makes a big difference.. the time it takes to adjust and to start getting back online again this time surprised even me. Just to get caught up a little bit, none of the worst-case scenarios or speculations that I feared were true... of course there could be things that she did that I don't know about but everything that she said and we talked a great deal lined up with what I saw. That's what I really wanted to come here and say and what was on my mind even before you wrote that about what if for yourself... that is, things are as they should be... that notion has kept crossing my mind recently because the way things are happening now and in a good way some surprises , some nice surprises.... just doing what I do in the way that I've always done them to a certain degree works perfectly as I always found it to work for me that is without anyone else to deal with. Without anything diverting my path to do something else instead, I have lots of options to choose from ... having ADHD that's a problem in itself. Ha. I'm getting used to it rather quickly. LOL
On a serious note though this concept of things returning to where they should be.. that has everything to do with me returning to as I am or as I've been the majority of my life. And when that happens I can tell it feels like I'm myself and that's a good feeling and itself. Instead of my problem solving brain working overtime my creative brain is now taking over and that's where the person who are a big part of me is. That's what I do naturally without trying and when that happens all kinds of things come to me. It's when I don't try to think about it and I just allow it to happen it's the flow again... or call your state of mind for lack of a better word for it. It's definitely different and it's definitely a change and to a certain degree you have no choice it comes from going with living with someone and then living alone just like that overnight. It does feel like falling off a cliff right at first it was a wild ride and it was no fun but I rather quickly got past that and once that happened it just continued on from there in an upward direction.
So you ask what have I been doing? LOL well let me tell you (ha )... I designed and built an elevator inside my house.. almost done but that's just one thing. I moved everything from the main bedroom which was an addition and into a spare room which is now my bedroom. I'm turning the bedroom which was the biggest room in the house outside of the living room and kitchen... into a workshop specifically for detail things fine work jewelry you name it. By other shop is for the dirty stuff... I call this a studio for lack of a better term. I'm also building a dumbwaiter from my studio to the basement to move things back and forth so I don't have to use the stairs which are Steep and I'm old.... as well as taking up sewing... long story has to do with upholstery but I have other ideas backpacks Etc... but the thing that I have thought about for many years are number of tools that I think are needed in the work that I do specifically the jewelry work. I have two prototypes for two tools that our daily Tools in a shop and these are designs that would vastly improve how they work. This bit of inspiration actually came from the fact that I've been commissioned to teach a woman Jewellery making , and she's setting up shop at her home and she needed someone to help. I worked with her for years ( absolutely no romantic interest whatsoever thank you ) but I work directly with her as she was a sales and assistant manager for lack of a title so we had a working relationship in the industry and she knows a lot already. The thing that she doesn't know is how that's where I come in. So I got a regular gig with her every two weeks and I'm in the process of building her workbench a custom one that's she wants just like the one I had... that's where the wheels really started turning because the one I had I hated it.... I didn't make it or design it and there were lots of things that I would do differently and that's exactly what I get to do with her. At the end of my first class with her... she takes me out to her garage and says she has something to give me??? I'm looking at a stack of huge slabs of a tree that she cut down in her yard and had the tree guy cut it into 3 inch thick slabs so she could save it to make something out of. She had asked me several years ago what she should do with the tree and I told her that she should do that as it's Oregon black walnut and it's absolutely gorgeous... dark chocolate brown with tan and purple stripes running through it. And she goes here I want to give you one .. and the one on top was the center cut of the tree in the widest part probably 2 foot by 9 foot..3" thick... and I'm standing there with my jaw dropped open. The two of us couldn't even lift it to stand it up right it's so heavy. Anyway when someone gives you the center slice of a huge old tree and you're looking at it it's hard for words how to say but it's a gift that I think it would be hard to find such a thing even if it existed for sale somewhere else.. it's truly one of a kind. So from these few experiences now I'm thinking of all kinds of things which are now all in creative theme. And other ideas and other things are coming from that... this is what was not happening before and now it's returning. This is how I am... like I said like it should be... that's that feeling.
And right now... poison ivy may be interested in hearing this.... d is living with her brother 200 miles away. And without a long explanation leading up to it I have that same feeling in her.. and you know again without the details and in filling in all that was said... at first I started to Balk thinking this was an impulsive thing to do on her part. But then I stopped and pause for a moment and thought " she's been planning and thinking about this for a long time..." little bits and pieces of some of her more incoherent moments actually started to line up.... she's very close to her brother she stays in contact with him all the time and as she told me the meta problem that had nothing to do with me. It wasn't just my house or the environment that had to do with me... she really didn't like the city, her job, or really anything to do with where she found herself in. It was everything she didn't like, but mostly for her that had to do with feeling safe. Safe not in the physical as much as safe where she could be herself who she was and not have to change be accepted. Her and her brother know each other that well. For the time being at least as she put it she needed a safe place to land. Taking myself out of the picture.. I realized for her that's exactly where she should be.. for her things can be the way they should be and that makes her more relaxed or comfortable. She lives on the edge already it doesn't take much to overwhelm her. Oh I forgot the dogs... her temporary quarters before the move... she had three dogs and it was already starting to wear on her. An admission that is absolutely true but I've never heard her say it... it's not just messes or clutter... for her its cleanliness with a bit of germ phobia I'm afraid. I don't think that's an uncommon one especially with someone with OCD tendencies. It doesn't happen to be mine mine are just different though.. not better just different ones. LOL
J
Thank you for your thoughts and concern my friend....
Submitted by c ur self on
I'm glad you are busying yourself, sounds like a fun project you have going in the house...Did you build your dumb waiter into a closest? Are you using a truck winch and cable system to power/move it?
It's great to hear you are well, and moving on with your life....
C
So true for me, too, J
Submitted by Chevron on
Glad you're in your place.
Thanks you guys
Submitted by kellyj on
It's nice to be able to share my thoughts with others who I know can understand... and even though I know what's happening inside me and why it still doesn't make it easier it only helps you process it and heal from it faster that is really what makes the difference. I remember going to the doctor wants to have an infection in my finger cut out where you at I just sliced my finger open to do so and he told me at the time " now hear this and if you remember anything remember this one point because it's really important go home and kicked your finger up above your heart and keep it there for the next three days, I know you'll want to get up move around and use your hand because it doesn't hurt that much and you're not sick and there's no reason to sit for 3 days but do it anyway because if you don't you'll be back in here and we'll be doing this again. For every 10 minutes that you have your finger down and it swells again is like adding an extra hour to your recovery and healing time the blood will swell your finger up and cut the circulation off which is necessary for it to heal if you don't allow that to happen right now you'll be back with a bigger problem." And he was absolutely right I wanted nothing more than to get up and move around because I wasn't sick or injured in any other way except for just one stupid finger I ended up taking a robe sash and tying it to my wrist and then looping the other end around a curtain rod so that I could just hang my hand and arm and rest it on some pillows and not have to worry about it what a pain but I did follow his advice keeping what he said in mind. Not allowing a break or some chance to get away from the pain and the irritation on any level is simply a human experience that everyone has trouble with. No one does well or functions optimally under those conditions and that's exactly what I found. Zaps recent comment to me about the effects of living in that codependent environment and the ADHD effect for sure is now securely in my mind not something that I will soon forget I do understand what it is to have to live with that on a daily basis and no matter how well you adapt to it it's still affecting you even if you know exactly what it is. I remember the same thing happening with my back having shooting pains running down my leg and up my spine to my head that made my brain tingle on a daily basis every time I moved wrong made me question whether I wanted to live the rest of my life that way it got that bad it wears on you in more ways than you realize even if you've learned to adapt and function as best you can. I was feeling so blessed yesterday when I thought of this and how I do not have to live with that anymore a year-and-a-half of constant pain was more than I could take. I had to do something so I started swimming again. That and learning what not to do to cause that to happen is exactly how I was able 2 live pain free but it took a couple years of constant exercise and relearning to do things differently . This is despite the fact that I can carry 2 80 lb sacks of concrete on my soul shoulders no problem as long as somebody else picks it up off the ground and hands it to me. I just know not to do that anymore.ha
Anyway actually this elevator project I have been designing and thinking about for years I was going to do it using a huge hydraulic cylinder I have but as I was walking around my shop and putting things away I realized I have everything I need already I don't have to spend a penny that was the great part. All I can say is universal engineered struts I love them.. that and a bunch of logging and towing rigging and wire rope shackles sheaves and some odds and ends that I had leftover from dozens of old projects I was able to use everything I owned instead of going out and buying anything new and I used an overhead lift not a winch that supports 2000 pounds but with the added pulleys it's probably could lift 2 tons but the most I'm going to put on it is 1000 lb on the safe side I won't be on it during that time.lol
Besides something else came up a while back that I didn't mention but I was cruising Craigslist for some tools and I saw an ad for a large industrial surface grinding machine hydraulic that was listed for $400 and I thought she that must be wrong I'll give him a call. As it turned out the price was correct it was a large industrial machine shop that had this extra machine sitting in the parking lot that he was going to send in for scrap but he figured he could get four hundred bucks for it on Craigslist and he said he'd be better off and it works it was just not suitable for that environment. As he said he bought it for a specific job and the job fell through so he didn't need it after all his loss my game this thing was nearly $30,000 new and it works. Crazy. It also weighs 6800 lb and runs on a huge 5 horse industrial hydraulic pump system which I can use for other things in my shop including a lift that I'm going to use that other cylinder for. The very machine that I purchased now has enabled me to make something like that and the thing is and this is another money-making Endeavor that I've already had some interest in... most home shops or even small Machinists have all the usual tools and machines but no one I know has a gigantic Industrial surface grinder that is accurate to one thousandth of an inch and runs automatically once you set it up with a huge electromagnet that holds the work in place... this machine along with my Precision lathe will allow me to make damn near anything and I can contract out work to have Precision grinding done for all those people who have every tool except for that one. there's no way I would have spent even $4,000 for that machine but at $400 the guy was right it was what it was worth in scrap metal it was in his way and he wanted it gone and I just happened to look at the right time. It wasn't ever in my plan but now all my plans are possible due to this one bit of luck that I just happened to stumble upon at worst I could take it apart and scrap it and get my money back but why would I do that I just created another money stream that I can contract out those Services as well as use it for myself. These things simply cannot happen unless you're out there looking and once in awhile you happen across something I clicked like that... if I wanted to I could simply Spruce it up put a coat of paint on it and probably sell it 4 $12,000 exactly what I saw this same machine for on eBay recently used.
What I'm saying is these things don't happen every day but once in awhile they do and from that all kinds of other things are possible my long-term designs and plans just took a completely different turn and for the better on my part all from something that I could never have planned for but then again there was. This was also mentioned by D as something that she didn't want to live with that is the kind of work that I do and the effect that has on her however I was doing it for decades before I met her I need to make a living and I certainly can't change my career simply because it bothers her in some way and yes it really does bother her the noise the smell the masses all of it but as I see clearly when I go to other people's shops who do the same kind of work their shop doesn't look much different than mine it's a dirty job but somebody's gotta do it it just happens to be something I'm good at and I love doing it nothing wrong with that at least I found something that I can do and I can count on it I already have the skills it'd be a shame to waste them.. weather do realize that at the time or not she wanted me to do something else she wanted me not to do that she also wanted me not to have ADHD but what can you say. Sorry?
and that wouldn't be an apology because that part I have nothing to apologize for I can't help it if she has issues with dogs, issues with noisy machines, issues with dirt under your fingernails occasionally and all that goes with it... it is what I do for a living the expectation to suddenly do something else because it bothers me is not really a legitimate reason to uproot yourself and completely and drastically change your life all on a hope that that would somehow make it better for her I get the feeling I would have done that and she's still would find something that would bother her because everything bothers her because everything bothers her it's part of the PTSD it's part of the attachment Theory and it's a part of whatever she has that is causing these things all of that is coming from in side her she knew what she was getting into when she moved here and I talked about these things at length and my future plans all of it where did that suddenly change? The fact of the matter was nothing changed she just was not aware enough of her own vulnerabilities to see that ahead of time.
And the fact that I pursued her to make sure we could get to a place where we did not have any hard feelings and correct any issues that we had there at the end I knew would play directly into how I felt in general. I think the thing that I said that really resonated with her was when I said that no matter what no matter where she goes even if we're not living together she's still family to me she holds that place in my heart and that will never change. family members say and do things to each other that they would never do to anyone else and sometimes you say and do things you regret so does that mean that the relationship is over this works both ways of course. I do get very attached to people and I hate to lose friends or people I care about and I feared that that was going to happen as it has in some with some in the past. I still wanted a relationship with her but I agreed that we could not live together unless certain other conditions dealt with... I do think she realized that she had some things she had to work on and it simply was not going to happen in the environment that she was in it was causing her too much stress and causing her to not function well the same as me the difference was I was doing my best not to share that with her and her ability not to share that with me is something that she really needs to work on. No one can live with everything you have going on inside you and all of that with somebody else at the same time I think that is a key thing for people with ADHD to come to a realization. Not sharing everything and filtering some of that is a requirement since those filters are missing.. we've got to do it manually and yes it's a lot of work and effort and it is a pain in the ass. But it is simply not everyone else's problem nor do they have to live it everyday even if you do. Is that fair? Life isn't fair... as I've always said quoting one of my favorite songs..."I want the most, but I'll take the least"... there is something to be said in that last statement.
J
I forgot to mention
Submitted by kellyj on
I've also designed and in building my own mini forklift... again I'm getting old and I can't lift things anymore like I used to and I can't afford a forklift besides they're too big they won't fit in side my shop... I actually had a mobile chair one of those that you see for people who cannot walk around easily.. I took it apart and bought some mini tank treads from a snow blower actually two sets and I'm making my own battery operated forklift with a device that I purchased a while back that lifts 50 gallon drums of solution that weighs 300-400 lb and then tips it and turns it like a big pouring device for a chemical plant or something like that not a very typical item that most people could use which is why I picked it up for next to nothing compared to the regular price for this unit. I basically married a a power chair a snowblower and Industrial drum tipping device and turned it into a cat track forklift.. I now can pick an engine up off the floor I don't need to go ask anyone for help. LOL. Takes a load off the back that's for sure! Sometimes if it doesn't exist you have to invent it and make it yourself seems the way it goes sometimes.... but the answer is not immediately no the answer is... how can I do the same thing with something else instead. Smoke them if you got them and if you don't then do something different.lol
Rock and ro'
Submitted by Chevron on
WOW, you have some fine tools!
Submitted by c ur self on
You know J as I was reading your post and got to the part where you were writing about what D didn't like, and what she wanted, or didn't want.....I thought about that little word...."Want" or "I want", or "I don't want"....When the effects of **Want** over comes me more than the effects of contentment....My internal trouble starts
Marriage can really be a set up for failure, when it comes to Wants vs Contentment....Once we take a spouse we have a list of things we fall back on....Our thoughts of what we think it should look like...Our thinking about the vows and promises we make to one another....Our own selfish desires....
Man that little word "Want" is a huge stumbling block to a peaceful life and a peaceful marriage relationship.....Those Power tools will never want a thing from you:)
That makes me think about what David said in Psalms 23 vs 1....The Lord is my Shepard, I shall not want....I think King David was truly onto something.....
C
Yup
Submitted by jennalemone on
Exactly the same here. I could have written this. It is helpful to read someone else lay the cards on the table in a place where it will not be used AGAINST you for saying your side of the story. Thanks for writing this.
What is that?
Submitted by c ur self on
Have you tried to set down with him and ask him? I've read you posts for a long time...I have felt for you, and agreed w/ you many times...Please don't take this wrong, but some of the things in this post makes me think he may feel beat down....The continuous disagreements, Your insistence about y'all's Son stopping spending time w/ his Father (whom he isn't seeing much these days)....
I fully understand about doing home work and discipline....But do you think your family feels controlled, more than loved? Do you think your husband might feel like "What's the use" I could never please her?
Do you practice acceptance and kindness, when it's difficult because of your different way of thinking?
I know you talk about leaving, don't you think he realizes that? Maybe he has lost hope as you have and just has quit trying also....
Anyway I wish the best for your family....
I know you haven't felt supported in many area's of life....
Blessings
C
Hi C dvance and tired...
Submitted by jennalemone on
What you wrote here could be asked of me also, C. Does my family feel controlled I wondered? I asked my kids that question. "Did you feel I was too hard on you or strict?" They were both surprised by my question and said that I was one of the more lenient mothers they knew. When there is a spouse who is saying to you constantly, something like SNL's "What's got you so pissed off THIS time?" you start to wonder if it is all your perspective and fault. I, too, like dvance and tired.. am aware that I have higher standards of marriage and family and home and partnership than my spouse. I have let so much "go" without objection or judgment that was really not OK with me but I thought I had to compromise and "let" H have his own ways and his own choices....I have "let so much go" for the sake of partnership that I have let my self go. I am not one to fight. But after years have gone by I realize I tried TOO hard to "get along" and support H. It is as if I have been married to an independent juvenile part time family member whose only compass is his own comfort and freedom from responsibility. Yes, my H surely feels like "What's the use?" as to I. We do not "fit" together. He wants a fiesty, bossy, jokey, siren. I need a secure, honest, communicative partner. I cannot support his choices and demands or try to involve him in mine anymore. He is on his own. I am on my own. But I cannot afford to leave.