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by: Swedish coast -
It makes sense that even a painful bond can be strong. I have such a depth of emotion, it almost scares me. Today my heart hurts at all thought of both the ADD ex and the possible new person. I wish love could be less engulfing and frightening.>>> on Forum topic - Emotional safety
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by: J -
but I don't have the answer, truly? I don't think these strong points came out of no where and there's a reason I am, the way I am. My current theory? My early socialization experience including swimming competitively helped develope skills centered around controlling my body, breathing, heart rate etc...and having the opportunity to be around lots of different people ( in my neighborhood ) both kids and adults. My desire to be social and have friends pushed me to learn these skills. If you look...>>> on Forum topic - Emotional safety
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by: sickandtired -
I’m just saying I was stuck until I faced my fears, and got out of my comfort zone. Your fears seem to be revolving around how your children need to see loving parents. They also need to see happy parents. Please ask yourself, was I really happy? Could my kids have sensed my unhappiness? Many divorced parents find a way to evolve into being cooperative “loving friends”, with the kids as their shared priority, yet they have mutual freedom to live their own lives, set their own goals, and be free to...>>> on Forum topic - Emotional safety
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by: Swedish coast -
I’m glad you’re now happily married. It warms my heart.>>> on Forum topic - Emotional safety
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by: sickandtired -
My ex and I were never married and had no children. Still it took me going 8 years without intimacy and a lot of controlling disrespect from him before I felt like I could “break” the bond and move on. I realized later that the bond had died a slow death years before. I just didn’t want to accept it. I was very uncomfortable about moving outside of what had devolved into being my Comfort Zone. But once I decided to move on, similar to where C is now, I felt so much better, “alive again” as C said so...>>> on Forum topic - Emotional safety
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by: Swedish coast -
Sickandtired, I feel you clearly know what you’re talking about. Isn’t it strange though, I feel two years after all intimacy ended with my ex, I’m betraying our bond by moving on.>>> on Forum topic - Emotional safety
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by: sickandtired -
Oh I didn’t realize that. Still, if they have adapted well to their current schedule, it may be better to leave well enough alone.>>> on Forum topic - Emotional safety
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by: sickandtired -
J, I wish my ex had only a fraction of the insight and self awareness that you have. I think there is a lot more going on with him than just ADHD. A couple of psychiatrists considered paranoid personality disorder and borderline as diagnoses. Although I’m happy I have moved on from him, I feel like he could cope so much better in his current life if he had listened to them and had adhered to their treatment plans.>>> on Forum topic - Emotional safety
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by: Swedish coast -
Sorry, this is something else entirely. He’s a devoted father, lives close by and prioritizes the children above all else. They’ve lost nothing in that respect, except their parents’ love for each other. Which I feel, having grown up with parents in a loving healthy relationship, is a foundation for trust and identity.>>> on Forum topic - Emotional safety
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by: sickandtired -
Swedish, I know you’ve tried everything you could to save your family. I think now your family consists of you and your children if he has made no effort to interact with them in 16 months. I do know one thing: that children thrive in a consistent environment. Trying to bring your ex back in will cause them a lot of confusion, since I’m assuming they have adapted to their new life without their dad in the home. I am a retired child psychotherapist, and I had many children of divorce, adopted and...>>> on Forum topic - Emotional safety
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by: J -
You did not. This is one area that I'm not sensitive too.>>> on Forum topic - Emotional safety
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by: Swedish coast -
Thank you for your kindness. The therapist is already my prerequisite for speaking to him at all. You’re so right. This can backfire badly. I just look at my children and see his features in theirs and grieve all our years of (challenged) love. I can’t bear to shred the last secret bond I keep to him by partnering with someone else. Rip away the children’s last chance of parents united. I’ve committed my life to this family. It’s physical pain. You’re right. It’s about me and the...>>> on Forum topic - Emotional safety
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by: sickandtired -
I edited my post.>>> on Forum topic - Emotional safety
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by: J -
I missed that. My comment remains the same. No offense taken, I see no difference between "normal" and "neurotypical". That truly is semantics to me. I actually view myself as mostly normal anyway, aside from a few important details. Lol In fact, I've met a few highly irregular ( not normal ) people and I'm pretty sure they didn't have ADHD !>>> on Forum topic - Emotional safety
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by: sickandtired -
I’m so happy for you! Being with a new person who respects you will feel like such a luxury! You deserve it!>>> on Forum topic - Emotional safety
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by: Swedish coast -
J, I’m not responsible for the “normal person” wording. That was somebody else…>>> on Forum topic - Emotional safety
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by: Swedish coast -
Dear C, I can’t imagine it’s too early for you to meet up with a beautiful person. I’d imagine it’s just right. You’ve been waiting almost a year for her to move out, too, haven’t you? I still love my ex. I’m not where you are. For me the thought of proceeding beyond the current point with a certain person is still frightening. But I know I can spend a lifetime waiting for my ADD ex to reach out and reconcile. It’s not something he does. We haven’t spoken for 16 months since...>>> on Forum topic - Emotional safety
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by: sickandtired -
Giving him one more chance after 16 months of no contact could backfire on you and cause you more pain and confusion. I broke up with my ex, gave him one more chance to work on our relationship, and he jumped at the chance, promising he would put in the work for better communication and meeting my needs. I was buoyed by feelings of hope for us again, only for him to move back in, not changing anything in his behaviors, losing his temper even more easily than before, and constantly blaming me for being...>>> on Forum topic - Emotional safety
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by: J -
I'll try and pull a few things you ( guys ) said which is based on my own internal turmoil at times. Words here, are important, to accurately describe my feelings. C, I'm also happy that you've found the peace you've been waiting for. Living with a purely self centered person ( as it sounds ) would be an excersise in futility and a very unrewarding experience from the sound of it. I can't imagine being very happy under those circumstances. And Swedish, your mention of finding a "normal"...>>> on Forum topic - Emotional safety
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by: c ur self -
For many years I have just existed...I am starting to feel alive again! :)>>> on Forum topic - Emotional safety
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