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by: sickandtired -
Maybe you are looking at the glass half empty rather than half full. You have your freedom now, and you don’t seem comfortable about what to do next. You have unlimited possibilities now rather than being merely an unappreciated caregiver. Please try to embrace your freedom. Do you know that abused women are typically uncomfortable with people who treat them with respect because they are still so used to being disrespected? They have a familiar reaction to disrespect, but are at a loss how to react to...>>> on Forum topic - Emptiness
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by: J -
I think I know, but I'm not really sure? Was over at my SO's kids this weekend to see the babies. Both her son and daughter in law have ADHD. But her daughter in law does something I've never really witnessed before. Not exactly at least? Which is why I'm asking ? Two examples: Yesterday, I asked her son a question about his work. He begins to answer, and his wife will finish the thought for him. This isn't...finishing his sentence ( impulsively ) by adding the correct word...>>> on Forum topic - Over Explaining
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by: J -
Hyperthyroidism. It does run in my family. Remembering.>>> on Forum topic - More Connections and a Doctor Visit
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by: SVDH -
Ichabod, and all the others if you happen to read this, I hope you are doing well and found a way to improve your life for you and your spouse. What a frustrating feeling it is to instigate such hurtful and frustrating feelings within your partner, or be on the receiving end of this Like you Ichabod, I have a very similar problem with staring at women. Countless occasions and dates I ruined by looking at some women's derriere. I recognize your story, and so do I recognize the...>>> on Forum topic - Too aware of other women
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by: Swedish coast -
You asked did I feel powerless in the relationship? Yes, but not in an outward sense. It looked like I was the dominant one, having things my way, but in reality I was forced to single-handedly make all choices for a good life for the five of us. I never wanted this. I wanted discussion, preferences stated, compromises. ADHD does make a non-partner powerless. It’s a very accurate observation. You can’t make it change. You can’t make your partner see your needs if it challenges their capacity...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD and aversion to therapy
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by: Elliej -
In my experience they will put up a huge fight to get us, but not to keep us. When we eventually loose patience and tire of being treated like garbage, they get defensive, insular and blameshift. I initually put this down to narcissism but i dont think thats it. I think its an ingrained ADHD entitlement. They would rather we put the effort in, because guess what.....thats how its always been. So why now do they have to do enormous work when they stopped doing the little efforts? In my experience, they...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD and aversion to therapy
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by: Swedish coast -
I’m so sorry your engagement is broken and you believe your ex fiancé hasn’t been sincere. I believe the ADHD partner can often be oblivious to the pain they cause. And even when they do realize it, they forget it, or rationalize it (they focus on their own (presumed greater) pain or determine your requests are impossible for them and therefore unfair). It’s my experience when faced with the uncomfortable truth of their own actions, and the moral implications of them, they may rather...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD and aversion to therapy
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by: Elliej -
Hi I was with my ADHD (possibly autistic) ex husband for 18years. He threw some catasthrophic bombs on the marriage, things i could have simply chosen to walk away. Instead i started therapy to process and forgive. He watched me do that, watched me fight for the marriage, yet never offered or sought therapy himself. 7months later i asked him to go to therapy. It took him a further 9 months to go. So all in 1.5years. I was so shocked, confused and devastated it took so long. It felt like a slap...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD and aversion to therapy
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by: AdeleS6845 -
"Why do you think your husband was devastated when you ended the marriage?" For me, my husband was devastated when I ended the marriage because he never thought I would leave. I found a phrase online that describes what I experienced. "A tolerable level of permanent unhappiness." The phrase implies that people have been taught to accept a certain level of unhappiness in long-term relationships. My ex knew he was hurting me and didn't care.>>> on Forum topic - ADHD and aversion to therapy
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by: Swedish coast -
I’d say there doesn’t seem to be a lot you have in common with my ex… He’s severe ADD with several comorbidities.>>> on Forum topic - ADHD and aversion to therapy
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by: adhd32 -
What efforts is he making to save the relationship? One person doing all the work cannot save a relationship. Porn addiction, no friends, family estrangement are big clues that he isn't keeping his life on track in a productive way. Step back and observe his commitment to your relationship. Is he helping you row the boat or is he drilling holes while you keep the ship on course and bail at the same time? Refusing therapy is a big clue to his commitment to change. You know he won't change on his own...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD and aversion to therapy
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by: J -
Because, I've done what your ex has done...but I've always bounced back and "finished"...what I started. I've done the "too many projects"...remodels, etc. But I also, usually, come back and finish. I've done the "hide out and rest" thing too. But I also, usually, get back up and follow through. I've made promises, and usually, kept them. In chronologic time....it's just taken longer than I'd hoped. The biggest problem I've had...was time. Doing it in a timely manner in...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD and aversion to therapy
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by: J -
Taking myself back in time, I think acceptance had a big role to play. To put this into perspective, at the time, not only did I not know I had ADHD, I had no concept of what it was? Not only that, I has no concept of disorders or any mental health issues and considered myself "normal", just like everyone else. How I saw myself, was how I saw myself which was: some good, some bad, a list of my accomplishments ( good ), and handful of not so great attributes ( flaws ), and a few pretty bad acts or...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD and aversion to therapy
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by: 1Melody1 -
I had been clear for many years that I didn't feel I could continue if nothing changed in our marriage so he should have seen it coming. Every conversation we ever had about it seemed to disappear from his mind the next day though. He'd continue as if nothing had happened. When I finally said I was leaving, he was still utterly shocked. Despite clear communication, I don't think he realized how bad things were and if he did, I don't think he thought I would go through with it. But I had become such a...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD and aversion to therapy
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by: Swedish coast -
For J, the avoidance of a destructive home environment as a child by attending a sports team has given him strength and resilience. It’s truly a story of hope. I was rather thinking of ADHD partners not finishing houses or projects, choosing porn instead of partner intimacy, avoiding burning relationship issues as you’ve all described above. In those instances, I believe the logic of avoidance of fear and shame leads to not wanting therapy, defensiveness, unwillingness to discuss issues, and not...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD and aversion to therapy
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by: J -
If I apply this to myself Swedish, it really does play out to exactly that. A) I lived in fear at home from my dad, and the secondary type of abuse ( Helicopter Mom ) made life unbearable to be around sometimes. This combination, could have had a much worse effect, but I literally, stayed away as much as I could....and succeeded to do so. B) My second father ( my swim coach ), and my friends I saw everyday ( team mates ), and my second home ( the pool )....were all in an effort to get...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD and aversion to therapy
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by: dottiecool -
To read part of your story is heartbreaking. I always find it hard to read how much the human spirit can endure. But you sound like you came out on the other side all the better. I wonder why we hold on with a death grip to something we think is going to get better but never does. We cling to a hope that our partner will not only realize they pain they inflict on their partner but also on themselves. But sadly, we cannot control their will nor their logic. And what is most frustrating is they...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD and aversion to therapy
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by: Swedish coast -
An insightful member on this forum said all their ADHD partner’s decisions were made to avoid fear and shame. Taste it. I don’t know if it makes as perfect sense to you as it did for me. But for me, it tied together decade-long confusing experiences and finally explained them. If for other people choices are made to gain something, like friendship, success, intimacy, knowledge, adventure, beauty, for him it was all about avoiding fear and shame. Imagine the life he must’ve had...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD and aversion to therapy
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by: J -
but it's possible. My therapist indicated that she might have a personality disorder, without actually saying so ( because he couldn't directly ) but it was implied. My best guess is, that was her issue not ADHD. What I'm suggesting, based on what he was telling me was: her victim mentality was the biggest problem in our relationship, more than any other specific thing. That might be a symptom of the bigger issue ( personality disorder ) but, I'm not an expert on that. All I know is, people...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD and aversion to therapy
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by: 1Melody1 -
My 20-year marriage ended after years of me being in a similar position to yours. He knew our marriage/family was on the line, and yet still could not bring himself to address the ADHD. I could not comprehend why he'd rather lose our family than do the work... but that was the reality. It is something I wish I'd seen and accepted earlier. Looking back, I believe it was a combination of not wanting to face or admit to his own challenges and also not wanting to change. HE was happy as things were...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD and aversion to therapy
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