Hi all- I feel like I may be a rarity as I am the spouse with ADHD. Although, the more I learn the more I think perhaps we both had it. 
 

I've been with my wife for five years. I loved her from the minute I saw her. I swear I knew I was meant to spend my life with this girl. Not in the normal adhd way but in the real way. We were long distance for a few months when she needed to take time off work due to her anxiety. I was in school and able to go where she was and help her figure it all out. I was there for her every time she needed me with her anxiety. Through periods of agoraphobia, driving all over the country to see her friends since she wouldn't fly. If she asked me for anything it was hers. That's the beauty of adhd.  My heart and love couldn't be bigger. I left love notes  and coffee when I left for work 3-4 times a week. We always talked. Went on dates. We did everything the books say to. Our only downfall was the one or two times a month we would fight we would not communicate well. I never yelled. Neither did she. But it would somehow escalate to her having a panic attack. I admit I wasn't the best communicator. I could've done better to listen and validate her. But I never wanted her to hurt. 
 

We married in September  shortly after she began accusing me of being abusive. If I would share my experience I was gaslighting her. If I shared an emotion she felt I was mirroring her to make her go insane. She called me manipulative and controlling. Each time she did I assumed it was anxiety and the. We would apologize and I would forget it ever happened. Again that's the beauty of adhd. I'm great at forgive and forget. She was not. She let it build to resentment. 
 

Just before Thanksgiving she left for her parents for a vacation. Then she texted me and said she wasn't coming home. Naturally I had a normal adhd meltdown calling and texting. I sent more texts than I am proud of but in my defense the rug had been pulled out from under me. It was very traumatic and I believe she had an emotional affair going on. 
 

she never spoke to me after that. She promised therapy or to talk to me "next week" for two months. Then I found out she filed a divorce. She enacted a safety plan and blocked me on every form of communication (even linked in which seems to hurt the most). She had everyone we were friends with block me as welll. Nobody will speak to me. Everyone thinks I am abusive. I'm pretty sure she has decided im a narcissist. I'm 100% distraught. I love her more than I love myself. I love her so genuinely I cannot even wrap my mind around how this is happening. I assume it's her anxiety and paranoia. I spent months trying to figure out what I did to deserve it. I read Melissa's book and learned the experience of spouses of people with adhd and I developed so much compassion. I started therapy weekly and got two coaches. I'm hyper focused on learning about relationships so naturally I've read 39 books and listened to every relationship podcast I can find.

still she is accusing me of harassing her. Now I can only communicate through the lawyer or she will file a restraining order or something. We aren't even in the same state. I never was told she was divorcing me or why. Never got a chance to fix it. Never got a chance to share my side. I'm not abusive. I am a nurse, was a teacher, a missionary. I pick up earthworms off the concrete so they don't suffer. I just can't wrap my mind around how someone could think I was abusive.  
 

is it really that torturous being with somebody with afhd? I feel for her fear but I can't help but think there's a lot of paranoia or her own trauma mixing into this. She hasn't taken any accountability. And it seems she's told everyone I may kill her given the ghosting from everyone we know. 
 

im so sad and scared. I feel so rejected and alone. I feel discriminated against. I wasn't diagnosed until after this all happened. Now I'm on medication. But she doesn't believe my adhd was even the problem. To her it's just a way for me to reason away the "abuse". What am I suppose to do? She won't let me share my side and I don't know how to cope. 

Guys, I'm looking for support and help from both nons and those with ADHD on the site. It's been a tough few days. Hurt feelings, rage, resentment and more. I know I don't want to be in a marriage like this, I deserve better....but when the DX has happened within the year and we haven't found our footing but dang, it's really taken hold, what can be done besides working on myself. 

It can't be that I just have to continue like this, in a way that isn't true to me or my values, and wait for the day that he finally has some self awareness?? Yesterday had an expolsive conversation that at it's core was me needing to express a need/want/desire. And it just blew up. And I hate it. But I have to matter too. 

My question is this: when times are like this and its tough and you know there are avenues to take, and one of the avenues is the extreme of leaving (going nuclear), how do you sift through this all?? Like do I just need to sit through and ride it out or what? I'm not really sure I want to leave or can leave at this time. I also have a son and I do have to consider him. I'm also in another country. This is my home so there is not somewhere else to go (and the laws here are in favour of the mom as long as she's in good standing).

I havent read the books yet, but im working on Boundary boss. Finding it tough. I'm doing the work on MEand me alone. I refuse to work on a partnership that isn't a real partnership. But bringing anything up to him is jist dismissal, denial and deflection. EVERY. DAY. its just exhasting. 

So what has everyone's process looked like? Does anyone have any advice for me? What about that space and time between you know you don't want to live like this but you aren't sure going nuclear is the right option at this time. And when we haven't even tried counselling, how does that convo work?? 

I'm going to get Melissa's book and even if he doesn't do thr work, I'm fine to continue working on myself. But this is not something that I want to role model for my son. Its shit. And heartbreaking. And hurtful. Its hard to see past thr pain and hurt to be honest. Oh and I'm also in therapy but even then, when it's tough some days you gotta take a break

 Le sigh. 

Recently there's been debate on the forum on whether it's irresponsible to carry on with problem-ridden ADHD-non marriages. When it's hard, should we just end things?

I'd like to add another perspective. Have been reading about French sociologist Eva Illouz who says women are often unhappy and emotionally unfulfilled in today's romantic relationships. This is thought to be partly because men as a group tend to use emotional distancing to excert power. I've also spoken to friends who describe a lot of anger and clashing needs in marriage. Half of marriages end in divorce, often in mid-life, at least in my country. Also, there is a lot of fighting and disharmony is all kinds of family relationships. Experts say it's because with those closest to us, we tend to express those sides of ourselves that we are least proud of.

So I'm wondering how, in challenged ADHD-non marriages, we are to know that our struggles are on a whole other scale? We're expecting living with someone to be hard. Every family is pretty impenetrable from the outside, so it's not easy to compare hardships or understand how other people's partners function. Some of us weren't aware ADHD existed. Or had no idea it was the reason for our partner's difficulties, depression, anxiety and tantrums. I also wonder whether ADHD is hugely underdiagnosed. Otherwise, why would so many women I describe the misery of marriage to untreated severe ADHD to, shrug and say: That's me and my husband exactly.

At this point, I'm amazed that any couple can stick it out for any period of time.

I feel, however, that the love issue is very complex. My feelings about my ex-husband reach over the entire spectrum and are simultaneously true, even if they show up one at a time. Still wish I could by sheer creativity have shoehorned my stressed out self and that incomprehensible mind of his into being the happy couple we once were. 

Eva Illouz also claims she doesn't believe in therapy, because our discomfort is due to structural problems in society rather than something individual that we can work to change.

If we even do change. I have this feeling I will never understand anything about the ADHD universe, and it's not for not trying. And ADHDers rarely seem to enter my universe.

I feel very humble in this. Why do we try so hard to save the relationship and the family? How should we protect ourselves when integrity is lost so gradually, so inexplicably? It's rather like being a frog in a kettle. How to defend ourselves when everyone around, family and friends, like the ADHD spouse and don't acknowledge our cries for help? We might do what I did and think the threat was outside the nuclear family. Work demands, difficult relatives, stressful society. But the reason I almost caved with stress was him.

I'd be interested to hear your views on staying or breaking up.

This is just bizarro world. We've been together for 5 years. Been through many sessions of couples therapy and have made a lot of progress, and lately it's been all success stories. We had been really happy lately. An old conversation/issue escalated in the last week - and I will admit that the peak of the escalation was my fault - but that was it for him. With all the compromises and accommodations I've made in our relationship for rsd, negative adhd behaviors, all the disrespectful mistakes made in the name of adhd, all the room I've left for being imperfect and still lovable. I've made two mistakes in the last 5 years, one recently, and he has made at least two dozen extremely hurtful ones in that time, and the compassion and forgiveness I get is basically nothing. It was like a light switch. We were doing really well, made so much progress, and an unresolved issue came up, and now it's my fault for addressing it. I didn't address it in the way I should have, I admit that. But it's like I'm expected to be perfect in this partnership, give everything, and also expected to give him all the forgiveness in the world for his behavior. There has been no reaching across the table and loving me through hard times. I don't understand. I'm very confused. I've tried so hard for him and would continue to fight for our relationship if he was willing. But he says it's too much effort to be mindful in the relationship and he'll never be the partner I'm looking for. Despite the adhd complications in our relationship, he is such a beautiful person and I've loved him more than I've loved anyone else in my life. I feel so unloved and unwanted and rejected - and also so unappreciated for everything I've given and sacrificed through our relationship. One day I'm sure I will realize this is for the better. But at the moment, I'm just so hurt. I feel like he doesn't even care.