It's literally just math. Our expenses are higher than our revenue. Eventually we will run out of money; then we will start to go into debt; then we will get so in debt nobody will lend to us. Then what? She isn't absolutely terrible about spending but it still bothers me - like if she is at home five days a week but still buys lunch once or twice a week, while I bring my lunch to the office every single day. But she cannot for the life of keep steady employment
She lost a job a few months after we first got together (I think third termination since receiving her credential) but then got hired again fairly quickly by a school friend. Then the pandemic happened and I think she was able to hide underperformance in a WFH environment, but shortly after they started making people go in person again, she was fired from that two weeks before our wedding. Then she did literally nothing for a couple months, then did a bit of part time work. Then our son was born and she was his full time care for about 18 months. This was OK; we were breaking even in cash and she was doing the hard work of raising our son. He started to go to preschool two days a week and her parents helped us pay for that (they aren't able to manage him on their own due to age and ability so we all found it reasonable for them to help do childcare through cash) with the idea that she'd have 16-18 hr/week to dedicate to job searching. After 6 months she lined up enough of a part-time gig to break even on 5-day/week preschool... or so I though. After 3 months and several breakdowns because the person she was working for - though he happily paid her for work to which he later made edits - didn't find her work immediately perfect and made edits to it, she's decided she can't carry on. Without that income we're bleeding cash paying for preschool.
Any time I bring up either side of the equation - either income or spending - she spirals, tells me all I care about is money, tells me she doesn't see anything left in the relationship, makes insinuations of self-harm. Ultimately I end up apologizing profusely for having the audacity to point out subtraction.
I guess like many I just came here to vent... so there it is
Comments
classic dynamic
It think this will sound so familiar to a lot of people here. You’re caught up in a situation where you have to parent your partner. We are not supposed to do it (as partners of people with ADHD, according to the guidance here) but what else can you do when the situation is as you describe? Someone has to do the maths and the worrying and the attempts to nudge the partner into more realistic behaviour. And then you get the RSD response where you are the bad guy for even suggesting there’s a problem. Reflecting on this and your other post, and my ex’s behaviour (and I understand the dopamine mechanisms that underpin the behaviour), i do think ADHD can manifest at times as looking very like laziness and selfishness. These are traits that are hard to love. I found that the only way to achieve any change with my ex was through his selfishness; using, as it were, his superpower against him. He had to see that things would be less comfortable for him if he kept going on the way he was. Literally didn’t think it mattered at all when it was just me suffering. So maybe you can find a way to use this? Get her to see how much more uncomfortable she will be - no more lunches out, losing your current home perhaps, if you keep running at a deficit…?
good luck, anyway.