In a couple of days there’s a birthday party for one of my best friends. I said I’d be there. It’s far, half a day on a train.
At this party will also be a group of old friends of my ex and me. I lost them a decade ago by moving away and due to ADD marriage struggle, embarrassment, confusion, and envy. Having grieved immensely the loss of these friends, I also feel they came to dislike me. And I can’t explain I withdrew from them because my ex’s symptoms made him and me both so vulnerable socially, we were ridiculed. Because the confinement of undiagnosed severe ADD made most things impossible for us as a couple, and I could never hope to be understood by others. In fact, it would be inappropriate to mention anything about my ex. Or about general facts of life the last ten years or so. Especially since I don’t trust them. And they socialize with him, apparently, choosing him over me.
They’re mostly couples and they see each other regularly. I’m alone. Divorced and feeble. And they are the only people I know at the party.
I dread this encounter to the point of wanting to stay home on my close friend’s big day.
Please, help me. Should I attend this? Or should I stay home and cry? I was close to these people but none of them has ever reached out to me this last decade to ask how I was. Instead they inquire about me from others. I feel only like food for gossip.
Comments
Only you can decide, but going might be helpful
I can really empathize with encountering these types of interactions for the first time after your separation. I found it really hard too, whether it was my own gossipy family members wanting the inside scoop or a room full of our "couple" friends. The first time is always anxiety-provoking.
I would suggest that people may be curious to see you for the first time in awhile knowing what happened, but they are also totally obsessed with their own lives and probably aren't thinking about this anywhere close to as much as you anticipate. That is to say that if you show up and focus on your friend and don't bring it up, things will probably go okay. Yes, they've probably heard another narrative and yes they've probably gossiped, but you can't control that. All you can do is show up and be you. Honestly, sometimes people come to see what's true on their own. I was surprised to find there were a few people who had noticed I was doing everything in my relationship and actually understood my decision even if they never said anything. There are also people who blamed me initially who came to see later when he was on his own how much he struggled with day-to-day responsibilities. And there are people who will always think I'm a controlling nightmare who crushed his spirit too. I don't need to answer to them, defend myself or give them any more fodder for gossip.
If you choose to go, once you get through the first 15 awkward minutes, you'll probably be okay! Focus on your friend, find a brand new person to talk to, engage in small talk only with those old friends - or ask about their lives... people love to talk about themselves. If people bring it up, have a pat response ready. (E.G. "Sorry about what happened with you and EX..." / "Thank you. It has been tough, but we're both finding our way and the kids are handling everything admirably. How's your mom doing?"
Also, once you rip the bandage off and do this once, the next time will feel so much easier. Having said that, only you know what you can handle. If you're going to go and shake and cry, it's probably too soon and you want your friend to have a good day.
I think you should go
If you go, you will be facing your fears and I guarantee you, it will make you stronger. Learning to step out of your comfort zone is an important key to healing from divorce. I know you are afraid of ridicule or rejection from these people, but you might be pleasantly surprised. Be there to honor your close friend, and don’t get consumed by worrying about what others think of you. Sending you a hug.
benefit of the doubt
When we’re feeling vulnerable and worn and exhausted and jealous (and I have felt all these things) it is easy to also overthink and over interpret what is going on with others. I’ve done it. It’s largely because, I think, our needs are not remotely being met by our partners and so we look to friends and their lives and feel awful, and we want what they have and we need their support but there’s no way they can fill that need because they are busy with their own lives and they have their own partners to support and be supported by. So we lack, but they are just getting on with stuff, and it hurts, but that doesn’t mean they mean to be unkind, and it doesn’t mean that by any real measure they are unkind (yours may be; I’ll admit that; I don’t know the details). You are hurting and vulnerable and this is scary and don’t put yourself through it if you don’t want to, but you might be pleasantly surprised. They couldn’t give you what you needed before because our needs are so huge and neglected we often can’t even articulate them; communication with third parties breaks down; we’re shattered versions of ourselves looking at whole people and it hurts. But they asked after you, and that might not be unkindly meant… you had distanced yourself (with good reason) and they asked after you….
Thank you all
Melody, Sickandtired, Honestly, you all just showed how great friends can be.
I’ll go to the party, bearing your excellent advice about focus and conversation topics in mind. I’ll carry your kindness with me.
You can’t know just how much this helped today and how grateful I am.
Have a nice weekend.
Good luck, Swedish Coast... I
Good luck, Swedish Coast... I'll be thinking of you and wishing you well!!
Thank goodness we have each other in this community! ❤️
You should go
You only think they chose him over you, maybe he had a different story. It's also entirely possible they think you're the stick in the mud. My husband has some friends who don't like me because they have only heard his side of the story.
Before you go, sit down and come up with a one-sentence statement about what happened. Something like "I've missed you since husband and I broke up. His unmedicated ADHD put such a strain on our lives that I needed a lot of time to recover, but I'm glad to be back out and catch up with everyone."
It turned out incredibly well!
Dear forum friends who advised about the party. It turned out so well!
I spent most of the evening with the old friends, six of them, and it was almost completely pain free. I could never have guessed it. We spoke of a lot of things, I listened mostly, nobody mentioned my divorce.
Back in those days when spending time with them was incredibly painful, I had no idea of the ADD diagnosis, or could even make a connection between the pain, ridicule and my husband. But now it’s strikingly clear these are friendly people, not all of them closest confidant material, but nice. They would never ridicule me now, not only because they wouldn’t dare, but also because they wouldn’t want to.
They haven’t chosen him, either. Like me, he has been discreet and not mentioned our terrible conflicts. And some of them like me very much still.
Alone, I balance perfectly with them. I’m not a possible target for anything unpleasant. I’m safe.
This is a revelation after a decade. I’m so deeply relieved. I’m so grateful for you all responding.
Imagine the awful pain and confusion was never about these witty kind sophisticated people. It was all about living with the severe ADD partner.
I'm so happy for you!
That's such great news!!! Way to go for facing your fears. It's interesting how much we felt defined by our partners in these situations and how well we can find our own way when we're not impacted by all the space that they and the stress occupied. I'm so happy you could reconnect with these people. ❤️
Glad for you
Sometimes friends see more than we think. Maybe they are relieved that you are out of the marriage and finally able to be you. Maybe they saw you for the first time being relaxed and confident without the worry of what your ex would do or say at the gathering. I'm glad you are rebuilding your life and have chosen to get out and do things that are difficult for you. Moving on is hard, staying stuck is easy. Glad you chose the challenge.