Hi all,
I am the ADHD partner to my husband of about a decade. It has been a journey, and not an easy one combined with my husband’s own mental health and two of our four children having special needs, one of them quite severe. We both got a lot from Melissa Orlov’s book some years ago and it is becoming more apparent that I need to put in some serious work apart from organizational changes and going on medication, which I did do five years ago after a lot of resistance.
i have tried therapy in the past, and some couples therapy. No one has really gotten our situation like Melissa does in her original book (just ordered the newer one). I feel like therapists tend to take my side way too readily or downplay what my husband is experiencing. We need an affordable option, so the self paced study is under consideration, but I also need accountability in order to keep this a priority. I also will probably need to do most of the work myself at least at first to show my husband that I am serious this time. Does anyone have any suggestions?
-wife who just wants to get it right for her husband
Comments
Hi....
I have read here for almost 12 years, (just divorced my ADD wife of 17 years) and I can't begin to tell you how rare your attitude (as it relates to your understanding of your husbands day to day reality) is...Therapist take your side easily because they aren't there in your home observing the interaction attempts, and both spouses deserve their total respect...(regardless of ADD)...Usually the non ADD spouse is the angry one...lol...I will give you some simple tips...Always love and respect your husband in the same manner that you show here...Since organization, distraction and short term memory are chaos monsters, keep your life as simple as possible...Learn a few things and practice those incessantly!...Refrain from individual pursuits during times that should be shared spousal time...If it's bed time, but, you have more to do, and he is waiting for you in bed...Go to him, make each other the priority over anything else (except minor children's needs) you can get back up for mundane issues...Don't leave him waiting and waiting...Look back when you leave the kitchen, bathroom, etc...Never leave a room w/o looking back to see what you are leaving for him to deal with...Never justify indolence or things like multiple snooze alarms that destroy his rest...Anything that you would hate and balk over, expect him to...Simple thoughtfulness (of course this goes both ways, and I'm not saying you do any of these things, just tips in case it's a issue)
If forgetfulness is an issue, use bathroom breaks to review your daily lists of to do's...Mark out accomplished tasks, write in new one's...Prioritize by number...
Always be totally honest with each other...When two minds attempt to coexist in a peaceful state, who looks and handles life issues so differently many times...It is only possible with great communication, total transparency, and calmness!
c
RSD
I don’t know if you have this but it was the most hurtful and destructive thing for me. If I had been heard, rather than stonewalled, blamed and dismissed, we could have got somewhere. As you want to make things better, I would try and focus on this at least in part. Is he actually being mean and cruel and blamey when he’s asking for change, or is he just asking (perhaps desperately) for change?
Really struggling with my ADHD partner
My partner has ADHD and it's really severe. We recently moved in together and so it's become far more prominent. I feel like I'm on a roller coaster of emotions and I'm mentally and physically exhausted. I feel abandoned and ignored (even though he always says he doesn't want to hurt me and is worried he will) and get snatches of the beautiful love he has for me. He's so all over the place all the time. I have gently mentioned his ADHD to him a couple of times before but he has either forgotten or chooses to ignore it. As seems to be the case with ADHD in some people, the hit of endorphins is constant, so he likes to drink every day, smoke, gamble and smoke weed. Please don't judge him by what I have written here as being a bad person, because he has such a beautiful soul and loves me so much. However, I really need some support and advice. Thankyou in advance.
Honest take
I am the ADHD partner in my 12 year marriage, and based on what my husband has related to me about his experience, I am not sure you are in for seeing any improvement. I would really try to get honest with yourself about what your goals are and what you need in a relationship to make that work.
I am a very stable, educated, hard working woman in a great marriage, and I can’t tell you how much suffering my ADHD has caused in my marriage. Corny as it sounds, I would highly recommend taking your needs and worries to Jesus and depending on Him for that fulfillment of your needs, because you won’t be able to get that from any earthly man alone. I hope this was helpful.