My ex texts he intends to ask forgiveness when we meet at the counselor in a few weeks.
It’s sad, but I’m afraid he’s trying to manipulate me, because he wants something from me. He’s always said things to please others, regardless of whether he means it. Sooner or later, he will scream at you that none of it was true.
Is this about forgiveness for the past? I guess I can accept how he’s treated me, even though it’s incredibly painful. It’s there, clear as day. He probably couldn’t do better because of his mental illness. The problem is, how do you trust someone ever again who hasn’t stood by his word in critical moments? Who has been chaotic, dishonest, aggressive and with no apparent logic except his shifting emotions? There seems to be no core. How do you co-parent with them, or be civil around them?
I can’t think of any interaction we’ve had the last few years where it hasn’t all been about me giving out, exhausting myself, and him leaning heavily on me.
I won’t have any more of it. The heart palpitations and blood pressure and extreme stress he’s caused me cannot continue. I prefer to be miserable on my own.
If he says he’s sorry, why should I believe it?
Comments
Forgiveness is different from an apology
I feel that an apology would be appropriate and you can consider accepting that (doesn't mean his actions have or may change) but forgiveness is an internal, personal, emotional process. Trust is an altogether different, HUGE matter. Trust is earned. Please don't accept his treatment of you, that diminishes your reality and you're valued, I'm sure of it! If you sense he is manipulating you, he probably is, whether intentional or not. Your civility toward him will return when you've had time and distance to heal from the impact and chaos he creates.
I hope you receive all the validation and peace you deserve.
Accept it
Thank you for your kind reply.
Acceptance, radical acceptance, I rather thought was a way of coming to terms with something? I do understand you though, of course nobody should accept being treated badly. But there it is. There’s not much I can do.
I don’t really know how to handle an apology, it seems he has a very vague picture of what he’s done. I may just feel provoked by a lame effort to excuse himself.
I’m falling through the cracks of my own tiredness, looping thoughts that he’s destroyed my life permanently. When I meet close friends who are happily married, it’s clear I’m so deeply damaged. I can hardly coexist with people in the world I used to belong to. The complete loss of control, hope, confidence isn’t possible to explain to others.
I know others have turned this around, so sorry I’m whining. Am just so lost.
I completely validate your
I completely validate your feelings.
I try using radical acceptance with my ADHD spouse which works, in my opinion, only for forgetfulness, undone chores, and the kind. I'm not going to accept his behavior when he's an emotional moody mess or when his communication is lacking and his brain thinks being mean and causing conflict is the answer. I walk.
I hear you about the "happily married" and the damage you feel. I can not happily attend weddings, read love stories, or celebrate couples' love (no Hallmark channel for me!). It's too painful to recall how much I've tried only to land in that empty love space, again. Radical acceptance won't fill that hole!
Feeling lost or overwhelmed is a normal response to significant life changes and/or challenges. Take all the time you need to process your emotions. Listen to your intuition. For those who are sensitive, codependent, or introverted (or a combination of any), the process of taking care of yourself first can be an enormously difficult task. Baby steps.
Especially here, you are allowed to have feelings and whine if you need to. I just hope you will find the support and understanding you deserve. If I were in your shoes my only comment would be "I'm not ready to forgive or accept an apology right now." I agree with you, of course, he wants to apologize so he can feel better about himself, clean his conscience, and move on from it. Don't give him that.
Sending you hugs.
Thank you
I will do as you suggest. I won’t accept his apology. It certainly is too early, and especially as he doesn’t understand the offense. I’ve been trying to point out his actions and what he’s said exactly. He doesn’t dwell on anything specific, but texts vaguely that he’s sorry he’s ’used harsh words’ and ’been quiet’.
Sorry to be harsh here in my turn, but sometimes I feel he’s stupid. How can an highly educated adult not understand their actions make positions, that they are choosing a set of reactions from somebody else? If he tells me I’ve abused him emotionally for years, that’s quite an hard accusation (especially since he’s a mental health professional). The accusation doesn’t go away if he never adresses it again. So I should then assume he believes I’m untrustworthy and basically a criminal offender. On the other hand, he doesn’t act like he’s distrustful of me, rather like he can’t understand I distrust him and any statement he makes.
The sluggish opacity of his entire communication makes me panic.
Different places
It's fine that he's in a place where he wants to apologize. But that doesn't mean that you have to be in that same place at the same time. Part of leaving him is never having to do things on his terms again. You get to decide whether to hear him out at all and if you do, you get to decide what you believe and how to move forward. Sending hugssss!
Thank you Melody
That is so comforting. No more bending to his terms.
I’m so grateful for your answer. Hope you’re well!
Forgiveness....
To truly seek forgiveness from someone is an honorable thing...But, it has nothing to do with the future, or any other event...When we feel we need to ask someone to forgive us, it's always about what has taken place in the past...If someone decides to ask for forgiveness, (over a year later) only seeking to create a an opportunity for self, (strings attached) well??...A good way to tell if it's sincere is to hear it, tell them thank you, and tell them you forgive them if it's in your heart to do so...Then completely shutdown from any other dialog concerning any future actions as it relates to the two of you...It probably want take to long to see if this apology was real, or more of a ploy related to self interest....
c
Past and present
That is a good thought, C. Forgiving the past doesn’t mean allowing things in the future.
I’ll carry it with me.
Apology is for them, forgiveness for you.
Forgiveness is done for you by you. You accept that they are incapable of being the person you need. You stop wishing and hoping things were different and accept that they have extreme limitations. These limitations will forever prevent them from changing enough to meet your minimum expectations for a good partner. And that is okay, you are allowed to have standards for how you want to live and be treated. It is just that for whatever reason, they are incapable of changing their behavior and fight to hold on to their maladaptive coping methods. That's their issue, not yours to fix. Wish them well. Forgivenes doesn't mean that all the bad is accepted, it means you are moving on and not going to focus on him and his issues any longer.
An apology is for them. I'm sorry I was unaware that the person you first presented is not the person you really are. I'm sorry I had so many expectations for you that you couldn't manage. I'm sorry you didn't have the bandwidth to address our issues. I'm sorry that I was unaware there was an underlying cause to all of our discord that made our relationship go off the rails. I'm sorry that I needed more from the relationship than being a housekeeper and parent. I'm sorry you could not provide emotional support to me when I need 15 minutes of your attention and heartfelt comfort.
In conclusion, I'm sure he is sorry and he may express it, but that doesn’t absolve him of his failure to give 100% to the marriage or alienate himself so that he felt justified in checking out and leaving you to carry the load. If he says he is sorry, you can say that you are disappointed that things ended as they have, and you have no ill will towards him now and hope he finds whatever life that suits him best.
Thank you
That is very well put. I sense you have a wealth of experience behind it.
Everything you wrote applies to our marriage exactly, except one thing. He did show so much affection, and he was so intent on being emotionally supportive of me. For decades, and despite his severe dysfunction.
If he hadn’t been, it would be a lot easier to move on to a new life.