I've been learning a ton about ADHD recently, and things are making sense in my marriage as to why things happened. Now, I feel the need to restructure and make sure boundaries are established.
I recently talked with wife, and I brought up it is very hard to know how to be a good husband when she goes from 100mph to 0mph within a day (her metaphor). She really takes a mental health hit when this happens. Before realizing ADHD, I would naively ask "why doesn't 50mph work?" It seems like such a drag on the relationship to fluctuate so quickly. I feel the weight and hurt when she goes through a tough time. And then whatever help I attempt to give, it doesn't seem to do anything. She's just stuck at 0mph until she gets something to do other wise.
It almost seems to me to just ignore it, and let her handle her own problem. But then that doesn't seem like husband thing to do... stuck.
Comments
Medication?
It's so great that you're such a supportive partner. I think your instinct to let her handle her own problems is right though. We can't really solve for their fluctuations anyway and when we can, we can become their crutch for getting through things that they need to build their own skills to manage. Medication and coaching might help her feel more even and learn how to manage the ups and downs more effectively. But again - that's something you can only suggest and she has to embrace.
In my former relationship, eventually I learned to walk away (when I could) when things like you described would happen. Much like you, I felt the weight. Often even when he would come out of it, I would still feel very much affected while he was just fine. I was carrying the emotional weight of his ADHD symptoms and it wasn't healthy. To mitigate this, I would try to go out shopping or for a walk or with a friend so I didn't have to watch it happen and couldn't be used to absorb his emotions. For short term issues, I'd often come home to a totally different person than I left and I didn't have to see and feel the process - win/win. When these ebbs and flows would last longer, it was a little more challenging and I had to learn to disengage emotionally and draw the line between what was my responsibility and what wasn't (his inertia, his emotions, his duties, his process).
Sorry for what you're going through.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Yeah, it's so mind blowing that she'll be fuming mad/upset at me in one moment, but then be cheerful the next day. I'm left thinking, "What happened!?"