Forum topic: Is this the end of a marriage?

I fear that my 15 year marriage with my husband may be coming to an end. We both have ADHD, diagnosed just a few months apart within the last two years, and despite a lot of improvement, things have taken a nasty turn. There seems to be a total communication breakdown and I don’t know how to come out of it. 

There is an all-consuming cycle of horrible arguments, misunderstandings and resentments that have been ongoing for years. The fights always come no matter how good things may be in between. I feel powerless and alone and my mental health is declining because of the constant conflict.

Since receiving my own ADHD diagnosis and doing a ton of work on myself, I’ve been seeking ways to improve our lives together. Before my husband was diagnosed, I initiated ADHD-advised couples therapy which actually led to my husband’s own diagnosis. However, he felt that the couples therapy was an attack on him and walked away from it despite us making some progress together already. I’ve tried to be patient and have suggested him to get therapy for himself first, seeking thorough assessment, since he also has childhood trauma in the mix which he has never addressed.

I’ve read a lot about the ADHD effect on marriage and have gained awareness of our relationship challenges, parent-child dynamics etc. I’ve asked my husband to read these books too. I’ve also asked him to work together on figuring out how we can turn things around, how we can learn to communicate better and replace the old dynamics. So far, little has happened. He avoids the topic and is instantly triggered to anger when I approach the subject. He says I’m just nagging and trying to tell him what to do.

I see that it’s difficult for him to feel and express his emotions and I suspect that he may also be getting overwhelmed by my emotions, which are often very visible. I’m verbally expressive and I want to discuss our problems to find solutions, but he seems to only see this as pursuing and blaming him, ending in him withdrawing more. He seems to be shutting down and distracting himself with other things as means to coping.

He has recently taken a new job which takes him away from home for weeks at time, which puts more pressure on the rare weekends we share together. We fight more and struggle to communicate even more. Recently, he got so upset with me during a stay with my family that he left without saying goodbye and did not talk to me for almost two weeks. It was agony for me to be alone at home and to have lost all communication. Apparently he felt like I don’t care about him - feelings brought up by me being distracted with other family members and not giving him enough attention.

After this extreme stonewalling episode, things have gotten worse. We had a horrible shouting match when he finally got home. I lost my patience with him for not doing enough to get help or work on our relationship. He got more upset because I don’t let him talk - something that is very hard for me because he is using ‘you’ statements and not seeming to be able to see the bigger picture, or that our both ADHD symptoms are to blame for a lot of the hell we are going through. He is like a hurt child who thinks I’m the cause of his pain. That I want him t change.
 

I cannot be going around and around month after month but want to actually hear how he is addressing his and our issues, but this just causes more conflict. I really am feeling lost and desperate and I don’t know if we should just give up and seek for divorce.
 

Any suggestions are gratefully received.