Forum topic: Cassandra Syndrome?

this was the first I’d heard of this; your post sent me off looking.  It seems SO accurate to my experience too, and indeed my son’s though I don’t know that it’s usually applied beyond the  spouse. From the accounts of oher members I have read, I imagine this will ring true for a lot of others too! I’ll start digging too and let you know if I find anything. Naming is so powerful! I was struggling with all these different elements and now it has a name…

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In essence, Cassandra syndrome seems to be a popular description of a person’s deprivement due to partner dysfunction that nobody else believes? 

I’d suppose most non-ADHD partners here have experienced exactly this. 

 

And timely. I had to look it up too, which means I have no professional experience or knowledge about this specifically.

I recently read an uncanny description of a person with an avoident attachment style. I read these from time to time as a way to keep me grounded. Is it me, or is it my partner? The answer is of course is both.

In the summation however, it said something like ( paraphrasing  off tge top of my head ): " Being in a relationship with an avoidan personality isn't easy, they are the deciders in most everything as they need that kind of control to feel safe. They aren't doing it to be malicious or selfish intentionally, but the relationship will always feel like it's one sided with their partners feeling like they're getting the short end of the stick much of the time. Like their needs always come second and less a priority ( the asymmetry ) ".

I'm not trying to change topic in fact, I think there is a very good correlation to be made here. Based on what I just said, if you are the anxious partner of an avoidant attachment style, you undoubtedly will feel short changed or possibly like you're being taken advantage of. Possibly misunderstood or like there's something missing in the communication or even an inability to see things eye to eye or for your partner to understand you? What I'm trying to establish in this situation, that this dynamic is real and there are real reasons in the cause and effect chain that you, as a partner, would feel as you do. You could possibly give this a name like Cassandra Sydrome, and it would kind of fit , but, if you weren't this way before and now you are after being in a relationship, I'd think that might not apply exactly to a "syndrome" ?

But what if, you had past experiences in this same kind of situation? This is my question for myself. In other words, by default, I don't necessarily go around feeling as I do now at times. But I am very aware presently, that I'm triggered to a different default when paired with someone who has an avoudant attachment style. I know this, because I've been here before. The difference now, is I'm coming to realize how conditioned I am from my past and how my ADHD / avoidant partner only acts as a catalyst, not as a cause.  

But the fact that her somewhat, self serving need for safety via control, means, her entire schema for doing things, ways of expressing love, need for space including a bunch of annoying ( and even hurtful ) behavior she employs to feel okay, is part of a big difference between the two of us in many regards. I cannot use myself, to guage her and what she needs, instead, need to listen and understand something I simply don't always understand.  And I'm not going to ever completely understand. Just like I don't completely understand non-nurodivergemt people's needs from there perspective. 

What I do understand is what I need, why I feel as I do, and can most of the time...differentiate myself from other people knowing I'm not exactly the same as them. I think this is extremely useful in learning to understand.  It opens your mind to different answers and possibilities other than ones that are solely based on yourself. It helps not getting stuck in a trap of your own thinking and not seeing the possibilities of alternative answers.

I don't know the answer here, but that sounds like what a "syndrome "might be?  Getting stuck in the trap of your own thinking, which is solely based on you and your experiences in the past? And possibly, not being able to break free of it, and not accepting anything different? And if this is true, then it is what I'm facing and having to sort out.

Are my needs less important and am I being short changed or taken advantage of ?

My answer is no. Her need for control and safety drives her to do certain things. Her behavior isn't about me, or even a reflection of anything I'm doing.  It is, however, very much influenced by my "intensity " as she calls it. For an avoident person ( as the article said ) what they feel or call "too intense" is actually more in line with what most people want: Being connected, being close both physically and emotionally, and forming or having a bond that feels strong and consistent over time. That part is normal. It's what I want and need as well.

So when she feels I'm being "too intense" and or "needy" from her perspective. That's actually just me, wanting to deepen our bond, become closer and for me to feel safe. 

What makes me feel unsafe? When she detaches emotionally and takes these breaks in our connection...becuase that's the pattern, that how she works.

It's so ironic and inverse, that the very thing that makes me feel stable and safe, makes her react by going in the opposite direction.....so she can feel in control amd safe.

Am I imagining this? Are my feelings not based on something that is real? No..absolutely not. This is a real thing and it has a real reason or cause.

And growing up without knowing I had ADHD, I definitely did not understand that such a dichotomy existed. Yet, I lived with people who were this way, and they behaved exactly like my SO. Exactly.

For me, these are defining revelations to stop expecting people to be the same as I am. Understanding this difference helps me understand myself and helps me adjust or become more flexible and not getting stuck.

Sorry...that was a long one but relevant I think? 

J, this you describe I can really relate to. I have an old friend who does what your SO does. It’s gut wrenchingly painful to be subjected to it!

For me this doesn’t need to have anything to do with ADHD. However, an avoidant person can really make you suffer. 

I realized I can’t spend any more time with this person while trying to repair my tender heart after ADD divorce. 

As I've had to let go of friends from my past for similar reasons.  At one point in time, I told myself: "if you want to be my friend, you'll need to abide by a few basic rule". As I was always eager to accept any friend who'd want me as a friend, I'd find that a few, behaved in ways the were unacceptable to me. I myself, have used that same criteria to access myself and say, "I'm not being a good friend. I'm not following my only rules and reciprocating as I believe I should."  In both cases, I've had to let go, to stay consistent with myself and not be "that person".

I've decided to try a different route in therapy. One I haven't necessarily considered before.  I actually used an AI app to give me suggestions.  I liken AI, to Mr Spock from Star Trek. And interesting model idea, of a person who's highly intelligentual but without emotions. From this place, it feels very neutral without an agenda, or opinion based of anything more than a solution.

This was the suggested results it gave, in combination with Ketamine Therapy I'm going to give a try. That decision was based off the success I've had with Psilocybin in the past :

"The “sweet spot” for you is likely a trauma-informed, attachment-focused therapist who also does integration work (and ideally understands ADHD).

That combo will cover the ✨ In short:
The “sweet spot” for you is likely a trauma-informed, attachment-focused therapist who also does integration work (and ideally understands ADHD). system (C), relational patterns (B), and shame/core beliefs (D) — and help you make the most of your ketamine treatment."

In other words, I'm taking responsibility for the reactions or effects I experience when I'm in a partnership with someone like my SO...instead of saying "it's all because her ".

She has said in the past, that she's been with other guys who don't react or respond to her the way I do.

A) she's no longer with those guys.

B) I'm more than just a little sure, her last husband was avoidant himself.  That would explain her not feeling too "engulfed" and him not being "needy" but she really wasn't happy with him as all, and it made her feel insecure, lonely, and dismissed...like she wasn't enough.  Well of course it did, that's how it works !!! Lol

Which you think she'd connect that together but apparently not. She just got the distance she needed, but nothing else.

Me, knowing I have anxious bend for all the reasons there are......to not react of feel it in my body: saddness, depression, anxiety...

I feel strongly, that reducing those body feeling and in general....bring it all down, will make me less "intense". One might think?

Not reacting, not needing to go thru times of being at the mercy of my body including sexually ( urges ) only gains me more control. I'm willing to try the Ketamine just to see how it works. If it works great, if doesn't that's okay too.

Going back to the cassandra syndrome thing however. The effect, is what's unpleasant and hurts at times. Managing the effect and/or the reactions to it, seek to make the most logical sense. 

You don't have control over anyone else, only yourself.  I believe this to be true.

J