I don't want to invalidate anyone's experiences but I'm hearing mostly horrible things about people with ADHD. I have a milder form but it's definitely gotten worse as I've aged. I got diagnosed last year after being married for 30 years. I have received nothing but grief and anger from my spouse all these years and couldn't understand why. And even without a diagnosis, I have been listening to what he says he needs and changing it if possible. I've spent 30 years confused at the anger. And 30 years of doing everything possible to become a better person. Medication, therapy, sheer will. It's so frustrating to hear all the complaints about these poor people who think differently and might need some compassion? Abuse is abuse and no one should have to put up with that. That in cludes people with ADHD and non ADHD. I feel that many of us ADHDers are being abused but can't express that because having ADHD is characterized as a bad and shameful thing to have, we surely must be in the wrong. It's strange hear talk of having ADHD and rage. I have no rage at all but my spouse sure does. I just have a deep sadness that I am not accepted because my brain works differently than most.
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Abuse
Hi justme113,
After reading what you said, I can feel the frustration and weight you're carrying with you in terms of feeling abused. You say you cannot express it because we're considered bad, wrong and shameful.
This is safe place to express what you're feeling. I also have ADHD and would be interested to know in what ways you feel like we ( people with ADHD ) and yourself are being abused. Not that I haven't felt that way at times, but it's good to share this with others so they know how you feel. I'm sure I could relate, and have my own thoughts on this idea specific to us folks with ADHD.
Neurotypical expectations
Sorry you feel questioned and perhaps abused.
Neurotypical people seem to come with neurotypical expectations. They will feel let down and used when their expectations are not met. Since they (if they’re decent) hold themselves to the same standards they ask of others, they can’t see any acceptable reason they should be disappointed all the time.
The best suggestion I have would be to get out of a relationship where there are neurotypical expectations you can’t meet. There may be a better match for you elsewhere.
There's a lot of ADHD
There's a lot of ADHD positivity out there - a quick google will reveal a bunch of websites and books - might be worth a look.
That said, if you were a friend and had had 30 years of 'nothing but' rage, I would not be recommending reading - I'd be helping you make a plan to leave.
My ADHDer ex said he never felt angry, that I was the angry one; but he often manifested anger and was very critical of me. He maintained, ironically, that I was critical. And relentlessly negative. And cruel. All this because I was asking for very basic needs to be met - that he listen, that he engage, that he practise some very basic hygiene. As Swedish says, I had neurotypical expectations he couldn't meet; it caused conflict, exposed his weaknesses, and he blamed me for it. I internalised this blame. It will take me a long time to recover my self-worth.
But it's only him who hurt me. It's only him who made me feel less than. It's not going to make me prejudiced about people with ADHD in general - especially as this includes my children.
I'm sorry you are having such a terrible time. Please consider if you have really had 30 years of rage, that's no way to live for either of you. It is not too late to get out.
I wish you better luck, and happiness.
As a fellow ADHD sufferer, I
As a fellow ADHD sufferer, I would recommend finding other places to pursue learning about ADHD treatment and healing. My experience has been that this forum tends to largely be dominated by non-ADHD partners of ADHD sufferers who need a venue to voice their anger, frustration, exhaustion, and regret, and there's not a lot of room for empathy, compassion, or understanding of those with ADHD here. Steer clear if you can.
A Community for Both Voices: Empathy, Balance, and Support
Thank you for sharing your perspective. We know that both partners in ADHD-impacted relationships have very different experiences, and sometimes this space can feel more weighted toward the non-ADHD partner’s voice. Many non-ADHD partners come here seeking support, which can mean their posts reflect a lot of frustration or hurt. That said, members with ADHD are equally welcome here, and your experiences, insights, and needs matter too.
Our goal is to provide space for both partners to be heard, and we encourage respectful dialogue across perspectives. If you feel like posts lean one way, please know your contributions can help bring more balance. Sharing your ADHD experience can be especially valuable for members who are trying to better understand their partner.
We do our best to moderate and keep this space safe and constructive for everyone. If you’d ever like to share more of your concerns to help us improve and better support the community, please feel free to email us at contact@adhdmarriage.com.
Thank you for being here...
having this forum available, and wealth of knowledge and expertise available has been a blessing for me.
Thank you
J
I agree
This forum has helped me immeasurably. One thing that connects many of us here is love for people with ADHD…
Hi...Agree 100%
Most here aren't suffering from being married to a husband or wife w/ add/adhd...Most are being subjected to things other than ADHD....Things like lies, unconcern, denial, blame, no ownership of behaviors, cheating, laziness, hoarding, and justification and refusal to communicate about the reality of their lived out lives...People like you who own and can communicate about their reality are dreams to love and co-exist with... It's not ADHD....<3
c