Well, I don't really know where to start, but here goes:
My wife of 20 years was diagnosed some months ago as being ADHD. My 18 year-old daughter followed suit with her diagnosis a couple of months later.
I've known for some time that communication is not easy with my wife. She doesn't do conversation, and nything that I say along the lines of even light general chit-chat is dismissed by her quite rudely with a "not interested" wave of the hand. Today saw it taken up a noth at our family dinner. I was speaking to her when she suddenly turned away and struck up a new conversation with our daughter, leaving me feeling completely tossed aside. The new wrinkle is that my daughter then turned on me. he could see that I wasn't happy and started "defending" her mother by attacking me.
They've sort of weaponised their diagnoses. It has certainly been the case with my wife that if I ever look askance, she defends herself by immediately going on the attack. This makes life very difficult, because I know that whatever is going on in her thinking she fears me speaking, so is always tensed and ready to reply with anger. I, in turn, have become sad that I unwittingly provoke this fear in her, and I am now afraid to talk.
It hurts me that she would feel any such fear. I'm honestly not confrontational, or ever angry in expression. I just need to try open channels. She occasionally admits to me that she has a problem, but then retreats to her shell. All promises of engagement are deferred to the future and never eventuate.
Despite her problems with me, she is a business owner and seems able to speak to clients at length and without zoning out the way she does with me all the time.
Has anyone else here had such experience?
Comments
This looks like Rejection
This looks like Rejection Sensitivity Disorder (RSD) which tends to mean you can’t have a normal conversation without being cast as a villain. I’m in recovery after years of this from my ex - anything other than radical acceptance of behaviour and contant praise was a problem. But that doesn’t mean you should take it - an ADHD diagnosis is not a license to behave badly - it seems in fact it’s actually just a description of certain behaviours (the brain structure theory and the dopamine theory have never apparently been conclusively proved), and behaviours are the individual’s responsibility and can be changed. I’d strongly recommend reading Searching for Normal by Dr Sami Tamimi.
It hurts
We've been there. A lot of us know exactly how you feel and how hard it is. Please remember that your part is only 50% and that's it. You'll send yourself to an early grave with the "I need to do..." or anything else that require more than a usual amount of effort for yourself. Because its never enough and it won't matter. I'd suggest starting with some radical acceptance content to help you come to terms eith what you're dealing with and seeing it for what it is. Dr ramini content is chefs kiss
Thank you so much for the
Thank you so much for the replies. I will do some reading as suggested.