Content Warning: Contains references to suicide.
"Insidious..... describes something harmful .....often appearing harmless at first. It implies a subtle, long-term, and cumulative negative effect." Meriman / Webster
I'm making this post to share my real experiences with something that's very difficult to explain or describe in a way that others might gain some understanding of "what" this truly is. This had been going on in my family of origin for my entire life, so it's definitely a contunation from past generations starting with my mom's mom ( my grandmother ), then to my mom ( my mother ), and now to my two sister's ( the only family I have left )ie: my siblings.
The key components are:
It never changes. After 68 years of life...it's still going on with little to no change.
It's repetitive ( ad nausium ) The wording my vary, but the words always say the same thing. The "message " is clear, regardless of how it's presented.
The message itself, is repeated from person to person....they may say it differently but the message never changes. Same message, different person, different words.
In context...what the message is really saying in the fewest words possible: "I reject your reality...and substitute my own." Will...or being "strong willed" is also a secondary key component in relation to my own family system. I'm also strong willed so that fits right into my family itself.
Unfortunately, my will is different, than my sister's ( the one in question ), who's more aligned with my mother's ( deseaced ) and my others sisters....which makes me odd man out. Herin lies the problem.
So here's the current iteration, of this life long problem. My experience that is.
I've had numerous talks with my sister about my current situation. In every instance the talks end up exactly the same. I tell her "what I'm doing" ....she tells me what ..."I should be doing instead." Not only does this feel invalidating...I feel like it's a waste of tike an effort to even have the conversation in the first place. This echoes strongly with my experience my mother....but of course.
With my mom, it got to a point in the conversation where'd I'd go; "well, okay mom, this is what I'm doing right now this very minute, so, I'm leaving, to go do this thing, just like I said..." and I'd just put my eyes forward and my virtual fingers in my ears, and literally ignore her ( with intention ) and walk out the door...usually, to friends waiting in the driveway, come to pick me up.
My friends later told me, after my mom died, said " yeah, you should have seen the look on your moms face, it was like the last time she was ever going to see you. And you...you were totally oblivious...completely tuned out."
Fact is, I was far from "tuned out". I was trying to escape ( I was the escape artist of the family ) and I'd learned every avenue available to me at the time. My head down, eyes forward, virtually fingers in my ears ( lalalalalalala ) was sometimes my only way to pass thru the gauntlet. It was necessary in order to just get out of the door becaus of the relentless nature of "the loop" in the conversation.
This had nothing to do with being " lost in my head "...and everything to do with escape ! With intention....it was a strategy of sorts.
So now, fast forward about 60 years...and my adult self, experiencing this again with my adult sister. I cannot express, just how exhausting and tiring this has become after that many years with it. Different person, different wording....but the pattern remains intact....as it's always been.
So what's the pattern ?
Here's how it's playing out now, in my own experience with it. This happened just the other day in a phone conversation... just for context.
I must have told my sister, at least, twenty times ( minimum )...exactly what I'm doing, why I'm doing it, the details in how I'm doing it, down to the last detail. There's not one stone I've left unturned, so she has ALL the information she needs to understand the cause and effect of my entire situation....
The "why" has clearly been answered in great detail...to be sure.
Towards the end of our talk she pauses ...( and I'm going...here it comes ) and sure enough...like clockwork....it arrives as predicted. After 60 years...I know this like the back of my hand....
"Don't you want to get an apartment? "
When you've told someone "no"...every way you possibly can to the same question, you have to resort to stronger language to try get the "no" across even more firmly.
Many iterations ago, I started saying " The last thing I ever want to do, is get an apartment in some shit hole part of town that I can afford. I'd rather put a gun to my head and pull the trigger."
Knowing my sister's strong Christian belief system, I employed "suicide" and "shit hole" into my language to wake up her circuitry. If anything...suggesting suicide, I knew, would get her attention. With intention...on my part. I selected these words carefully.
So when you tell someone...I'd rather take a bullet to my head than get an apartment....and after 20+ conversations of saying the exactly same "no"...with added reinforced verbiage...and they do this ( the pattern ) every time ....
"Don't you want to be around people?"
"Maybe you could volunteer and get free room and board sonewhere?
"Don't you want to get an apartment? "
This is that same moment with my mom....re- happening again!
"THIS IS what I'm doing...I'm doing it right now this very minute. And I will continue to do it it...untill I'm not doing it anymore.
But, I'd rather put a bullet in my head, than get an apartment in some shit hope part of town."
It's just unbelievably predictable and exasperating at the same time. I can only say no, so many times...before my head goes down ...my eyes go forward, and my virtual fingers go in my ears ( lalalalalala )....and I just keep on moving ...forward.....not backwards...and not stuck.
And yes....it's Insidious. I've been saying that word for decades now.
J
Comments
Oh...and one thing to be very clear...
I would never commit suicide. I've never considered it...not ever, not even once. I've never pictured myself doing it....it's just not who I am.
To be absolutely clear on that. When I said what I said to my sister...I'm being totally facticious. It'll never happen in other words.
Green Light
To be fair to my sister, the story or events that took place before I called her, without a doubt, could have, yes, precipitated ( of triggered ) her comment. What I said, doesn't change. It could be anything, even mundane. This time however , was not mundane.
But after the fact, when I had rapidly changed my situation, I realized once again, what told me what to do. This ability boils down to two words I've used to describe it when it happens ....."green light". When green light turns on, you stop what you're doing and move, right now, run don't walk." It was the same green light that happened as early as gradeschool...when a bully was picking on me......( green light ) punched him in the face. It just happens, there's no thinking....green light now means ...run. Before the threat has a chance to come back.
Without the backstory. I had spoken with a local and a Sheriff about the area. Each made reference to "some" in the area were problematic in different ways. I wasn't getting the whole story but given tips on how to identity them. On the first nice day of the season....a early 20's kid comes rolling up to say hello. I did what I always do and speak respectfully as a guest in their neighborhood. The neighborhood is on the edge of wilderness and extremely remote back country so there's very few poeple who live in the area and I found I had just met one of them. Not only that, but he had brothers. After a few story's, I figured out, these were the guys the Sheriff and farmer were hinting about. That in itself didn't green light me however.
He left at our first meeting which I remained neutral until he returned the next time. What I saw was a rolling violation of laws and ordinances that would fill a full page...but when he showed me some disturbing videos of them doing disturbing things, hunting with packs of dogs, it wasn't even that, that caused the light to go green. I was looking at his face, I was watching his eyes, and I could see and feel the pleasure and joy he got from those videos he shared. He wasn't trying to threaten me as much as see what I'd do. The more I didn't do, the more things he told me...as if....I'm like one of the crew.
So when he left the second time, the green light came on when he said, I'll be back with some beer. Ten minutes later, I was gone. I had no where to go, no plan of not staying there, but in the moment, what I saw and felt, I knew what that was. Green light means go, right now." And thats what I did, and everything was fine. If I didn't process that ability, I'm not sure I could do this?
But I do, so I can, and now I'm doing a different plan, and I'm still enjoying the peace and solitude so everything is fine.
Adding this in context to my sister, it might explain her "apartment" comment this one time. It does not explain the other 22 iterations of the same pattern.
Also saying. This ultra clarity in emergency situations thing, I claiming as a gift. If I have confidence in one thing, the green light has rarely failed me.
Explaining reality
J, I’m concerned about you.
I also relate strongly to being different from family members. Constantly trying to explain myself, to no avail, because their reality doesn’t include the things most prominent in mine.
I’ve given up trying to be understood by family.
Your sister would have a point, if your goal were to avoid violence and neglect should you become ill or injured. Almost 100% of people would agree a home and a support system would be your best life insurance.
But then I sense you don’t really care about this. And it’s your life.
Oh I Care Very Much
Before I left my ex SO....one of the many labels she put on me was "loner". I stopped her right then and said "If you believe I'm a loner then you simply do not know me very well"..which is absolutely true. I enjoy being around people and being social. I've got a strong extroverted side to me that gets energized by being social instead of it draining me. My exSO was far more introverted than I am but according to the Briggs Meyers tests ( numerous times ) I come up ENFP / INFP split down the middle or Ambivert as they call it. I have both an extroverted side and and introverted side in equal doses which is actually not a good place to sometimes. I really need both sides of my profile to be nurtured and that's almost impossible, as one side, always seems to be in deficit no matter what?
My sister is a full on extrovert, social butterfly and engages with everyone in her very large circle of friends and family, church, groups, you name it. Her book are always full 24/7....she never has enough time in the day to see everyone on her list in fact, she chronically late everywhere she goes because she over books herself.
If she says she'll be there at 3pm...I plan about 4pm and that usually is about right. lol She was a college career counselor who talked to students all day ( now retired )....so now she dives head on into booking, and over booking herself ...so she's always with people 7 days a week. She wins at the extrovert Olympics no doubt !
She also lives near one of the moat affluent areas in the LA area so she's got a little bit of that ....let them eat cake, out of touch with the cause and effect reality going on which I have to keep reminding her that the less money you have, the fewer your options become. She forgets that part when she's on a roll and making simplified suggestions without considering my situation is entirely different than hers.
I very much appreciate your concern, I truly do. I have a number of concerns about myself to be honest...that have nothing to do with sketchy locals or finding myself in harms way by circumstance being "exposed" logistically speaking. That IS the place I shine and have a great deal confidence in my ability to navigate these or any challenges I may come up against. And I have a safe place in respect to a large storage unit that I operate from. I'm can't sleep there, but it's available to me from 6am to 10pm at night. Behind a locked gate you need a code for. I have my shop tools set up for vehicle repairs and maintenance. I've got my welders, wood working equipment, and ability to make and fabricate things as needed. I'm currently building out an Overland style trailer using an old utility traile I bought from my neighbor before I left which will serve as a means to being essentials with me at all times. So I've created a hub...that houses all my tools and stuff...just not me! Lol It's minutes from where I lived...and the area I know very well now. Supplies, Amazon, food , services are all within minutes.
So none of this concerns me, the more time I spend getting things dialed in...the better I become at doing it. This includes, my doctor, who' clinic is only 10 minutes away.
What you said..."I’ve given up trying to be understood by family." This is the part that hits the deepest. I know what this is for me....and it has to do with being "right". Not exactly "right or wrong"....but living "right"...as in ....the "right way to be".
That's contained within the message itself. There's a right way...and a wrong way....to live. In my sisters ( both ) eyes...they followed the program using the prescribed format:
They have led charmed lives, but also, have dedicated themselves and comitted to this path or...."the right way to live" from a very young age. They grew up in the shadow of my parents...and in sone respects....are still answering to them subconsciously ( mostky my mom ).
So this notion of "living right" or "living correctly" definitely comes into play here, and it worked for them, which brings me joy to see.
I, on the other hand, went other directions which didn't always work so smoothly, while still attempting to live my life according to this same template as my sisters. I became miserable trying to follow this same template ( and there shoes ) as prescribed and kept failing for one reason or another: Divorced ( twice ), no kids, lower paying Artistic work, less affluent, older home that I was constantly upgrading and becoming a slave to so my ex wives woukd be happy to live there ( which they weren't )....
To the point, I've spent my entire life trying to please my family or ex wives and partners ....to find myself alone...after all that effort and trying to just "fit it"....which in the biggest picture possible stepping back.... I never did?
And contained in the message ( gotta live right ) is this notion or stubborn refusal?? ...I don't know which that says
"He'll come around" ...he just needs our encouragement or sublte persuasion to get him back "on track". Getting right with Jesus.... living the right way.
This is an impossible wall to navigate. There is no...."he'll come around"....so that way, he can fit in with us.
In other words....there's a place at the table for me...if I change for them. If not ....then, sorry, we can't accommodate you if you don't "come around" to our style of living.
So it goes much deeper than just 100% of the poeple woukd agree that your own dwelling is a good idea. I AGREE with my that idea as well !
That's not my personal problem. My personal problem is that place at the family table. Since I haven't "come around yet"....that place is not available and at this point...it never will be. That's just the harsh reality of a system that too rigid to accommodate anything different. That is...anything outside the box, or anything deemed as....not right living.
Right now, in this window of time, I have am opportunity given to me, by my exact circumstances as is, to create something entirely different that's my own...without anyone there to disapprove of me. I have no idea what I'll find...and I'm honestly don't know how king it will last but...
I'm tired of being hurt, and trying to live by others standards that clearly at this pint in the game....trying again seems more like the definition of insanity for me:
"Doing the same action repeatedly, and expecting a different result."
What may sound like, what I'm doing is a little crazy....but from where I'm sitting....crazy would be what my sister keeps pushing for.
Been there, done that.....I give up !
Volunteering / Free Room and Board.
This is a perfect example of the "let them eat cake" type solution. Zero cause and effect thinking......but...."Volenteering" is a virtue signal, ( and image projection )....and the free room and board part....came mostly from her posterior end as a "wishful thinking" to support the virtuousness of volunteering.
This is coming from a woman who spent the past 45 years counseling college students on career paths....as a job !! Lol
This is where it gets so out in left field I don't have many words to describe this. Her comment was in reference to getting hired by the Forest Service as a volunteer.
First off, I looked into this year's ago. There's a waiting list for Forest Service jobs and as a weeding put process...a bachelor's degree in some related area is mandatory. ( I having to explain this to a veteran college career counselor !! )
Second, yes, they do provide work vehicles and many times, lodging, dependent on location. The jobs are not continuous in one spot so they move you around where they need you. You have to hike with heavy equipment into remote areas: chain saws, shovels, implements etc. It's a young persons job....20's, and it's very physically demanding work. But the notion they just give you a place to live is not based on reality.
Third. Volunteer work, does not constitute "free stuff from the government". If you volunteer....it's on your dime, you're not an employee, your giving your time away free of cost. That's the point. The "room and board part" is again....is coming from a place of not knowing. ( ignorance ). I love my sister but sometimes!!
The point to be made here ( besides the seemingly gigantic gap between a veteran college career counselor....and her suggestion.....
It's respectable. Volunteer work is what seniors do when they have time on their hands to ....do good for the community. ( living right ).That's the anchor for my sister in her ...doing the right thing frame of mind. Grabbing onto ..."free room and board" came directly from her imagination with no grounded framework to go with it....completely bypassing her years of experience to stop and think: volunteer, employee, college degree, old person ( not in my 20's ), room and board, how long, what type of work etc....
For my sister....in terms of me "coming around"...."volunteering" is socially acceptable, and therefore, right living.
And the "free room and board" part is simply coming from outer space. When was last time you ever heard of the government giving people a free place to permanently stay for doing volunteer work?
Miss college counselor?
My ability to temper myself in these moments is truly tested at times.
And yes!! I did end of having to explain all of this to my sister...except for my personal feelings and utter dismay at times !
Anyway. I know this like the back of my hand. I've been dealing with it for most of my life.
J
I’m sorry
I’m sorry J, this all seems so hard.
But with your description I understand a bit better I think.
How about living with other people? In my country there is a lot of interest now in shared living spaces. It often means more affordable and nicer homes. For artists and bohemians, it can make a creative community happen.
I do have a home but often long for company. Have been researching this a little.
Swedish ...living with other people ...
is not exactly the problem. Finding the "right people" ....as you mentioned, really is the crux of the matter.
"For artists and bohemians, it can make a creative community happen."
Let's look at this idea of "artists" and "bohemians" as two separate things that seem to go together. I'm not arguing they don't, but for me, it's more like this....
My artistic "talent" is just something I have or own. I didn't ask for it, it's just there, it is, it exists...or...something "I do" at times.
It's not something I try to have, or need to project an image of myself, as an outward expression...that's says: "look, Artist"...I recognize you are by the way you look.
I'm an "Artist" by default...only because I can...not necessarily because "who I am".
Now let's look at "Bohemian types". I picture the famous painting by Pierre-August Renouir: "Luncheon of the Boating Party"...where Renouir was drinkin with friends and decided to take a snap shot...by painting the scene for eternity. There's all kinds of info about who was at the table, but from what I've learned...."these guys" : Dega, Monet, Van Goeh, Picasso, ....all knew of, or knew each other from the circles they kept. The luncheon scene was a real world view of what this type of group might compose demographically.
Now for fun, let's pretend Leonardo Da Vinci walks in and sits down with this group....and how well he might fit in?
He was gay, and wore flamboyant clothing ( bright colors ) which made him odd looking or stand out for his time. He also had wealthy supporters, who employed him for various projects so he wasnt poor for the tije. He was very eccentric to say the least but now...he's sitting at the table with the "wine sippers" and trying to have a discussion about engineering? About making flying machines , weapons, or aqueducts, and bridges ...on top on his artistic talents in painting ?
Now, for even more fun...let's pretend Michaelanglo joins the party. Ambiguously gay....( as reported ) he was also a Poet...as well as a Painter and Sculptor and led a more moderate existence as far as vices as reported.
And now, for good measure, let's invite Benjamin Franklin to this luncheon as well. Very much not gay, Franklin had a penchant for chasing women, ( more than one at a time ) being a statesmans, a prolific author, an inventor/ scientists, and was said to have an insatiable talent for practical jokes. So much so, he was purposely not invited to a few more serious events, due to his unpredictable nature as a "loose cannon" when it came to his sense of humor.
So now, let's predict what might happen here. I'd say, Franklin would go straight to the ladies and join them in the "wine sipping". Leonardo would probably feel extremely out of place as this was primarily a Heterosexual gathering except for possibly Michaelangelo. They'd probably have the most in common but, there's always that "fashionably gay" aspect, where anyone different is scene as "acceptable" to the group...just because, it's different. Andy Worehal capitalized on that trend. In fact, let's invite Andy Warhol to this party and watch things get really interesting.
So you've got a bunch of raging egos all trying very hard to be a odd as they can so people identity them as "Artist type" and "Bohemians". As it was described about Lenoardo...he was "flamboyant".
"Flamboyant describes people, actions, or things that are highly showy, and extravagant, designed to attract attention and impress others. It implies a bold, colorful, or excessively ornate style that stands out, often described as "flame-like" in behavior or appearance."
Right. Leonardo was a "Flamer" or "Queen" in modern day vernacular.
So now, I walk in and join this group. Who am I going to start a conversation with ?
Am I going to go straight to Leonardo the Queen? I have no issues with being gay or gay poeple what so ever, especially Flaming Queens. I find they're some of the funniest people I've ever encountered and they make me laugh histerically. Even more so than "run of the mill" garden variety gay men I've encountered. The problem is, I have nothing in common with them...to make my point. I'm the opposite of "flamboyant" to be sure.
So now, I'm likely to have less in common with Michaelanglo, except how his mind works and projects he liked to do. I could talk about that for a while...then now what? Not much else there in terms of compatibility?
And the same goes for Andy Warhol, or Michaelanglo. Ambiguiously gay, is also not my thing. Neither is wearing Berets or clothing that show my "good taste in fashion ". I wear Levi's and T shirts, Pendleton shirts ( made where I'm from ) because that's what was there at the store. And they're made from wool ( and you stay warm even when they're wet ). Picture the "Grunge Look" and that would be me. Not because it was fashionable....but because that's what was in the store when my mom went clothes shopping. And everyone kid had approximately...the same thing on at the time. It suited me then, so it functions the same now....as "outer wear" to keep you warm even if it gets wet. There's no fashion about it....function over form ...not the other way around.
So now, here's me in my "Grunge" appearing outfit...sitting at the luncheon table again. Who am I likely going to strike up a conversation with? I'd probably go straight to Ben Franklin if I could tear him away from the ladies. I think I'd have the most in common with him, more than anyone at that virtual luncheon table....
But....he's not even a "classically defined " artist per se. More of a scientistic mind like Leonardo....except without the "flamboyant" part. So technically....he's not exactly an Artist either in the abstract form.
So to be honest....I might spend an enjoyable afternoon with this group, sipping wine...even though...beer is my go to alchohalic beverage....but, I'm likely not going to really connect with the Flaming Queen, the Ambiguously Gay moderate, or the raging Ego ( Andy Warhol ) at all. After some time with them, I'd probably have little or nothing to say on a personal level. Not because I have anything against them being that way...I just don't have much in m common to share in ongoing relationship with.
And even though I might be more in live with Ben Franklin...I seriously doubt he and I would have much in common either aside for those few "things" we do share in common. I'm thinking a true "Long Hair" and a "Grunge" looking dude....would be an odd fit indeed. And the fact that women were attracted to him means...I'd be just a wing man, and he'd get all the phone numbers!Lol That would also get old after a while.
So now, here I am...going to where my "peeps" are at your local...Grateful Dead type ...jam band, type, music festival where everyone is dressed like me. After about an hour with the ...."dead heads"....I'm already getting that feeling, like, I don't belong here either.
One of my best friends growing up said it precisely about the "dead heads" and I quote: "After about an hour, they really start getting on my nerves."
And that's my problem too. After an afternoon at that luncheon table....that entire group would probably start to get on my nerves and my patience would start wearing thin.
I'm an Artist...but not the "Artist Archetype". Those are two entirely different things. And that "Flamboyant" thing. I'm the opposite of flamboyant....I'd rather just blend in with the crowd...and no be signaled out. That seems to be a striking difference between myself and other "Artist Types" in a real definable way that are very much not compatible, except for the fact that I can.....it just doesn't define who I am.
J
Glad you shared
Hey J, for some reason your original post really resonated with me. I think it was your wording around escaping and your story of your mom...and how its repeating itself with your sister.
I was a massive escaper growing up, because I felt so trapped and probably a load of other feelings that I've since pushed down. But reading your story gave me a bit of a light bulb moment for myself and really for those who have adhd around me....
I think the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over again, and expect different results.
And if you've explained all you've needed to explain to someone and they do exactly what you're bracing yourself for them to do (but deep down inside you're hoping that THIS time would be different), then isn't that insane to keep doing??
It sounds like you've carved a bit of a lovely slice of life for yourself after going through a lot of hardship. I don't see the point in polling for other people's opinions or allowing them to have a say on what you're doing, and while I think you're going to do what you say/planned out, it's still upsetting you that someone, like ur sister as the example, hasn't really listened to you. So for that, I'm wondering: why even repeat yourself?
I think once these dynamics are in play - and there are oh so many bc I am dealing with my spouses and he's bringing into the mix all the lovely messiness of his childhood upbringing and his coping strategies that no longer work for him but he keeps applying them and doing them and expecting different results when he's doing the same thing over and over.
Is that worth exploring for you? It sounds like you're doing the same thing and expecting different t results when the people in your life are behaving in the same way they have always with their same coping strategies and all that. And they might be expecting something different from you.
But there's nothing wrong with you explaining something/yourself once and then going snd doing the thing. And thrn not entertaining or exploring a discussion or invite a discussion on it. Now, this is so super effing hard to do, of course and takes some work, but it sounds like you'd just like someone you love/care about to let you be and not add any more suggestions or whatever, but that's just not how we all work. And it sucks tho, believe me! I wish we all did work this way, but it's a lesson for me as well.
Thank you for sharing this story bc its helped me see a bit more insight into my own situation.
Off the Roller
You've touched on the very heart of the matter for me, (and maybe for you ?? ) and if I'm to be completely honest with myself, I must admit the deeper core fear that's been driving me for so long.
You said this: "I am dealing with my spouses and he's bringing into the mix all the lovely messiness of his childhood upbringing and his coping strategies that no longer work for him but he keeps applying them and doing them and expecting different results when he's doing the same thing over and over."
I found for myself, this can be a double edged sword. No longer assuming I'm the same as anyone with ADHD, I can only speak for what I did....possibly different, and possibly the same in some ways if I were to conpare to your hubby.
Also, bringing in my ex-SO, who also has ADHD which again, I'm quite different than her in numerous ways. I'm not even discounting the fact, that my sister in question, strongly points to undiagnosed ADHD herself which adds yet another layer onto my story. And finally, adding in my mom who is highly suspect ( for undiagnosed ADHD ) as well.
So let's break this down from just what you said. IMHO....my ex and my sister, have adopted the same strategies as in "maladaptive" ones in some respects. Just doing what ever worked to keep the peace or not rock the family boat.
To do as "mother says" even when it's wrong ( for them ). In respect to my mom, the potential undiagnosed female with ADHD giving directions on the way you should be, is like the blind leading the blind, so to speak. In other words...both my sisters "bought in" whole heartedly....I on the other hand did not, which is where the conflict arise. It's why I'm the scapegoat or identified patient of my particula dysfunctional family system...I spoke up and said the emperor has no clothes.
Speaking for myself alone, I developed adaptive strategies, but many were not maladaptive....this is key for me. Joining the swim team and staying with it for 12 years ( until I graduated high school, got me out of the house into a positive, character building activity, that has had lifelong positive ramifications. I was almost never home or spent time with my family, and if I wasn't swimming, I was gone, out of the house away from my parents: skiing on weekends, spending time with my friends, not coming home until dinner time to eat, go watch TV and sleep....was my pattern.
All said and done, I escaped the dynanic, I didn't "buy in", and for the most part...successfully found others means to fill my time in productive ways that only had positive results. I'd say...the positive strategies outweighed the negative ones...but the pattern resulted in being disconnected to my family itself. That's the key ingredient....but at the time, it saved my life. I saved my own life...in other words, but not without a cost. It's the double edged sword I'm referring to.
So to put this all into context now. I was never truly integrated into my families system for self preservation. Never truly "buying in"...means it's always been this way. I still only talk to my sister on occasion. I'll go months without speaking with her which is not unusual. My mom, and both sisters were "tight" you might say. I was the opposite of tight! Lol
But that means I was never close to anyone in my family...dad included, which is a whole different can of worms. So when my exSO tells me "you're a loner"....she's speaking from her own enmeshment, within a dysfunctional dynamics that's she bought into...hook line and sinker. The same as my sisters. None of them can see where there's anything wrong, and that's the biggest issue IMHO. I don't even think this even constitutes as denial...when you're so deep inside the system itself, you lack the perspective from an outside view to see what's maladaptive or not? When the norm is maladaptive...it makes it difficult ( if not impossible) to talk about it, let alone, discuss what the problem is.
When you're the only one who see's it ( that the emperor has no clothes ) you're put into the positive of either saying something, or keeping your mouth shut for self preservation.
I chose the latter. It was also the path of least resistance which kept me safe enough to manage and deal with just living together in the same household.
One sound bite that's stayed with me, that my old therapist said to me once " at some point in time, you decided you were worth it" I don't remember a time, I only knew that he was right. That feedback stayed with me.
You said, "Is that worth exploring for you? It sounds like you're doing the same thing and expecting different t results when the people in your life are behaving in the same way they have always with their same coping strategies and all that. And they might be expecting something different from you."
You're right and wrong, in the part that includes "expecting adifferent result."
I expect my sister will continue to do what ever she does. I don't expect differently ever. Not for decades (multiple ones) This for me is just Parr for the course, goes with the territory type stuff. It's really annoying at times yes, but this is my family member, who's always been there for support anytime I needed it. The good far outweighs any bad I might complain about with her personally. There's literally nothing you could find that not good about Mt sister. So you have to choose. I choose my sister over the dynanic once you see it. The biggest problem is getting someone else to see it. In my experiences it appears more of a perspective problem than almost anything else.
But the admission on my part, where a part of me aways said I was going to end up alone ( not by choice ) if I don't play ball. Being adaptable, is remaining flexible yet there aways a compromise, and a choice to be made.
And currently, my sister is my "go to" person case of emergency or if I need outside help. I never use that avenue unless it's dire. But mostly, it's just to touch base and let her know where I am. One of those Cardinal rules you do, when your out and about without contact.
So yes, I do have to brace before calling ( be in a good frame of mind ) and not try to change it. I could try putting my foot down and creating a boundary, but she won't understand it, and that would create a bigger problem. I don't try to change it, I just do my best to live with it. Bottom line.
Being unremarkable ...
....as an art form.
Ending at my last comment about acceptance didn't answer what's really beneath everything else. It's what I can't say, or the "thing" that goes unresolved...hence, the reason why you just have to accept it...."it" being the dynanic to be sure.
In respect to my ex-So. I'm convinced that culture had a lot to do with our mismatches. What she deemed acceptable, I did not. That was a source of friction from the start and I'm able to see that more clearly than before.
There's a story I'm compelled to share here. If not for anything else, it's involves a lesson I've learned to pass along. Real world, light bulb, kinda stuff. This has to do directly with what I've just experienced in the past week. I think it's also connected to the the things I was hitting up against with my own sister.
The quick version. I was back packing with a friend in a remote area. Our first stop was at a fire lookout tower for the 1rst night. Weather went bad, cold and rain/sleet, and we've got 4 days to be out and we're scrambling for a place to camp. Inside the tower, there was a ranger stationed there. We decided to ask him if we could pitch our tent under the tower which was the only dry spot anywhere. He agreed, and that ended up as far as going anywhere else for 3 nights.
We found this ranger, was really just a grad student spending his entire summer living alone in this tower. He already be there 60 days so he welcomed our company. We ended up taking to him the entire time which was when I learned this profound knowledge. He was a brilliant kid to say the least.
So my friend and I both noticed how he was dressed. His upper body was covered for heavy weather: storm jacket, layered for warmth....nothing unusual. At the same time, he was wearing shorts ( with cargo pockets ) and base layer ( long undies ) underneath. With his Nordic hat, with ear extensions...it was an odd look. And on his feet...he had strap down sandals ....when it's 33° outside and raining none stop.
In the mean time, my friend and I had layers of stuff on our legs, gators on top, heavy socks etc. After joking about the "look" with him....he explained exactly why he wore those exact clothes in his situation. He said : " All shoes do is get wet. Even the best eventually get wet when you live in these conditions. Then you socks get wet, and then the lower part of your long pants. Eventually, everything below your knee's are soaked. And you have no way to dry them, and you only have one spare. And its pouring rain outside and and just walking gets everything soaked. And I have to walk outside so.....I wear shorts. Shorts stay under my Storm coat and stay dry. And my leggings are thin quick dry material that stop at above l my ankle ( jogging type runners leggings ) that are like a second skin. And my Teva's are river sandles that I can hike in. At the end of the day....I just dry my feet. Takes just a minute." Everything stays dry.
It never occurred to me, to put less on...instead of adding more, just to get wet? Then, having to carry around with you the entire time making you miserable and cursing the rain. We spent three days in pouring rain and watched our new friend deal with it as if it was nothing. He taught me more, in 3 days, than the culmination of everything I had know thus far in how to survive on your own in remote locations for extended periods of time.
Fast forward to this week. It's been raining more than usual and I ....from learning from my friend, ended up dressing just like him for the exact same reasons. I've been doing it ever since that time ( in my 30's ). It's an odd look for sure, but, in cultures where it's dry ( where I am ) I've noticed in particular the glances at the leggings. Their black...under camo shorts. Camo...because it hides the dirt ! Lol.
I've noticed something, in relationship to my family, and sister, pulling this all back together........
Since I left my ex-So's...I've managed to survive being discarded in the most agregious way I could ever imagine. That alone takes a hit on your self esteem. And then, running up against this "thing" I've been describing with my own family ( my sisters ) which is just another reminder of how expendable I am ( in my particular family to be sure ).
But at the end of the day.....right now where I am. I'm really happy. I took advantage of what I had, and made it into something else. It's a creative process, and it keeps expanding as tine goes on.
Caroline Mysse, the archetype gal, said something once, that registered. Something like: The definition of an Artist ( archetype ) is they can't stop. They do what they do everywhere they go." More or less. The point being made....it's not how well you do it ..it's just that you do it, and you can't stop doing it. That would be be me....by definition.
It's no good to do all the right things just to be miserable for all the wrong reasons. To keep adding more layers of clothing on, just to become more soaking wet than you were before. Soaking wet, cold and uncomfortable and not happy.
And then you meet someone who shows you how you're doing it wrong and it changes everything you ever thought of before. Less instead of more? What a concept?
That kid was quite unremarkable, living alone in a tower where no one could see him. When in reality, he was quite remarkable indeed. With him, everything had a reason and his reasoning and judgement was spot on. It's an art form....form follows function....not the other way around. That was a pivotal moment in my thinking as well. I've been reminded of him constantly in recent times especially this week with the leggings and Ufos sandals. Lol.
The interesting thing about this.....
With the leggings and Ufos I get stares. It impossible not to notice. Change to...no leggings and hiking boots.....
No one notices. The art of being unremarkable is not to be remarkable. I wish I could say this to my sister. But that would change nothing. Thanks for listening tho, I do appreciate it.
J
Off the Roller - Roadrunner
"It sounds like you've carved a bit of a lovely slice of life for yourself after going through a lot of hardship. I don't see the point in polling for other people's opinions or allowing them to have a say on what you're doing, and while I think you're going to do what you say/planned out, it's still upsetting you that someone, like ur sister as the example, hasn't really listened to you. So for that, I'm wondering: why even repeat yourself?"
Coming back to something you said now, after addressing the heart of the problem with my sister to better answer you ( I didn't forget )
Let's assume my sister has undiagnosed ADHD. It's not a wild guess on my part and the fit is a good one at the very least.
Both my sisters ie: my entire family to date, Is the reason to repeat myself, only as a constant reminder ( it seems ) that I'm not doing what they're doing. My life is not structured so rigidly, where schedules are made way in advance, the calender is full, and it seems....
at no time, do they have time, that's not occupied or prescheduled down to the hour every day. That in itself is not unusual for most people who have busy lives. Nothing to see there.....until you look at my sister today...as a retired person, kids out of the house, no real place or thing she has to do...so a good 80% of her time is her own to do as she pleases.
In our very last conversation on the phone, I'm relating what I'm doing and she related to what she was doing ...just that day. The reason she was in a hurry. It read sonething like: well you know Linda? Well her daughter is having a bridal shower, so I'm headed to ROSS ( discount clothing chain ) then I'm headed to ( my nephews ) to see the kid ( new babies ) then I've got to wait for the 210 to clear so I can get home on the 110 in time for my senior aerobics class at 7pm. So, I really can't stay on too long or I'll miss my wndow."
First, this isn't different than when she was in high school....she's 74 now. Just change the criteria list, and she's doing what she's always done in a very structured, planned out way except...she over books. She's never learned not how to over book in 74 years. So of course she's always late or just barely making it. And of course, she hasn't got any extracurricular time for unplanned phone talks or anything that's not right in front of her face. This is nothing new. Same old, same old.
The point is, the same one I made earlier on this thread. She's my sister. I do what I need to up to a point, to keep that connection intact...with at least some continuity. That answers the why of what you were asking.
The part II....that had crossed my mind was what I haven't said yet. That's the happiness part. In direct contrast to my sisters busy life in Los Angeles.
I'm currently living on top of a bluff overlooking the Snake River not far from Nevada, but still in Idaho. I've got the entire top of this bluff to myself. Surrounded by cliffs...I can't get the Roadrunner song out of my head because that's exactly what it looks like..cliffs and and all ! There's actually a very cool geological story here, but I'm am enjoying that aspect too. I'm a geology geek too. While the entire time, building and working on my trailer, using my generator and power tools, it's coming along nicely. I've also just noticed my reflection in the glass with my shirt off. I'm returning to what I remember myself to look like...that is, when I was training and working out. I'm doing neither, I just don't stop moving much since there's always something to be doing. And I'm already getting tanned and it's only April. It feels good...which is my point.
And to further my point....I'm just doing a different version or my sister ( the stay busy part ) but for an entirely different reason. I'm not doing it to look good in the reflection....I'm doing it because it feels good. My body likes it, my brain likes and I like it. That makes me happy. And there's literally no one around to bug me, except the real bugs.
I'm technically in what's called "Open Range" country which means cows. My biggest concerns at the the moment are: rattle snakes, cows, cow pies, and falling off a cliff...in that order.
A) I've never seen a rattlesnake even once. Yes, they're here...but common sense and wearing boots solves that problem. The cow pies are old and far between. No big deal. And I'm not doing any rock climbing on these Rim Rock basalt bluffs so.....falling off a cliff is also not a concern. So basically....I have very few concerns today. Today is a win. Cognitive load low....happiness high.
My two biggest nuisances are: these flying beetle bugs that seem to hone in on you. Harmless, but highly annoying. And getting that song out of my head..."Roadrunner, the Coyotes after you...." I can't make it stop. Also mildly annoying and amusing at the sane time.
So, basically, and I'm hoping this for my sister. That's she's doing what she loves to do and it makes her happy. I know that world ( the one I came from ) and I know this one now. All I know is, I like this one alot. I'm going to try it on for a while and see what it brings me. That alone makes me happy. Having the means to do it is what makes it possible.