Hi, its my first time here and I wish I knew about this community sooner as I might have been able to get support and not feel so alone about my 16 year marriage issues. I'm a 41year old male with ADHD diagnosed twice now.
I read the ADHD and Marriage Six Steps book 6 months ago and it opened my eyes to a lot of the effects of ADHD and my life. Almost every story/anecdote felt like I could have been the one to write it from my experience. There is several things that Im still struggling with that just isn't talked about.
TL;DR: When is it time to move on? At what point is it clear that maybe the relationship, no matter how much effort is put in to working on ADHD effects, just isn't meant to be?
To be honest we have always been so vastly different from each other, no shared hobbies, polar opposite personalities, different views and different friends. We have 3 kids together and while I have been living with ADHD since childhood, my kids are always my priority regardless of the symptoms and struggles I deal with every day. I'm a loving and father and do so much with them but as a husband I'm not so great. Much like the book suggests, I find myself in a very strong parent/child relationship with my wife. I've never felt adequate enough and no matter how much she says she "reads up on ADHD" it's like her attitude and expectations never change. I know part of it is me still feeling attacked or talked down to (nothing I do is good enough, or she's blaming me for everything, or her tone is too harsh). This is something I want to change in myself. It's so hard not to feel attacked. I don't feel this way with most people, work or personal, just her.
I love my wife but im not romantically interested in her anymore. Not sexually attracted. I care about her deeply but kissing her feels weird and strange. Does this come back? To be honest, even though we are talking about working on our relationship because of the ADHD effects (I own my part of the problem, for sure) I just don't know if she's the one I want to be with. I know there is a lot of resentment I carry towards verbal abuse (pretty clearly relate to some situations in the book) but I thought after being separated for nearly a year and half, those things would fade. To be honest, living separately has actually made our co-parenting better and my fear of being around her less. She wants me to move back and gave me an ultimatum. Failure, as divorce is to me, is paralyzing... so of course I can't just get a divorce like some people do right away but im scared to move back in with her too.
Even with ADHD, surely there's some advice for when it's just not the right thing to stay with right? Or am I being too negative and should try anyway? Curious if anyone else has gone through the same thinking. Thank you in advance for any support or replies.
oh... umm asking for a friend btw ;)
Comments
Brave
I will come back on to write more but I wanted to commend you for your bravery and let you know how much it helps someone like me, non-Adhd (or at least possession of the higher amount of executive functioning skills) to read your entry. It's so hard to be vulnerable and I really do appreciate you posting this.
I'm digesting what you're saying and will write more later but something stuck me from reading your post - it sounds like you already know the answer.
thank you. I look forward to
thank you. I look forward to your thoughts
So sorry
My heart cries reading this.
What you describe - your wife’s expectations never changing, you feeling constantly inadequate with only her - is so sad.
I’m the non-ADHD ex partner of a long relationship with three children. Although we had no diagnosis of severe inattentive ADHD in my ex for 20 years, and I therefore couldn’t have known how to deal with it properly, I still suspect I wouldn’t have been able to change my expectations even I I’d known.
From my side, it’s been all about feeling abandoned - straddled with all responsibility and all decisions, him oblivious to family needs, no orientation, no sense of time, no self-awareness. No social life. No planning skills, poor executive skills, emotional reactivity and defensiveness. I definitely needed other things from my fellow parent and lover than he was able to provide.
And on his side, probably a feeling of being constantly trapped and dismissed for being inadequate. He couldn’t speak up for himself, couldn’t offer alternatives to my suggestions, so led a life overshadowed by my unmet expectations.
I think she’s the only one evoking these feelings in you because she is uniquely let down by you. And chances are she still loves you like I loved my partner, and does all she can to preserve what’s good between you.
If you don’t reciprocate that love, or if you feel repressed and silenced, I urge you to let her out of her misery. Don’t let her believe there’s still something to fight for. I did, and it’s cost me my health that my husband didn’t speak up for himself, until his passivity has forced me to initiate divorce.
From my side, it’s been all
This is hard to hear but also painful because I know there's a lot of that in me. I'm much more involved with my kids than she is mostly because I feel loved and safe with them and also that I'm the parent in the relationship.
I feel like I contribute so much but it's in ways that are never noticed or acknowledged. I'm aware our realities are quite different though. When I DO surprise her with things I've done it's usually met with "thanks but you missed this" or "you only did this part" or worse and im usually stressed out to make mistakes knowing the white-glove is coming.
Yeah, I can imagine. I didn't realize how hard it must be for her too until just this last year of removing myself from the situation.
This was very impactful to me. It's embarrassing to admit but I never thought of it that way. This gives me more to think about and makes the decision even that much harder.
I love her and I'm not intentionally staying to give her false hope or anything. I'm really having a tough time internally with myself. I flip back and forth every day on what the right thing to do is. It's paralyzing.
Thank you so much for your reply. It was helpful in many ways.
It’s so hard
I wish you well. You are obviously an empathetic and reflecting person, and I hope for the very best outcome for both you and your wife. The difference in wiring between ADHD people and those who love them is nothing but a tragedy.
communication.
I do feel for you; it does sound very difficult.
It's obviously impossible to know from outside, but I wonder if you might have RSD? It is a common feature of ADHD and other neurodiversities.
My ex realising that he had RSD was the first step towards diagnosis for ADHD, and a major, major cause of trouble in our marriage. He received even the most calm, respectful and innocuous communication from me as personal attacks.
If your wife has been trying to communicate with you respectfully but you are consistently hurt by what she says, then this RSD could well be affecting your relationship.
This obviously doesn't answer the question as to whether you should call it quits, but it might help you understand her better. I believe in listening to your instincts around this. If your body is telling you you don't want something, then listen to your body.
Living together
Hey memoryshell! I'm sorry for what you're going through. I think perception on the ADHD and non-ADHD sides can be very different and it can be pretty hard to bridge.
I just wanted to say that maybe the fact that living separately has been helpful is an indicator that divorce wouldn't be such a failure. I was exactly like you... the idea of divorce was devastating to me. I put off the inevitable for a long time. Too long. And actually in the end, divorce ended up being better for me, my ex-husband (with ADHD) and our child together. We all enjoyed smoother relationships with each other when so many of the daily friction points were removed from the equation. Going through it was the lowest point of my life, but the other side offered so many positives for all three of us. I know this isn't the case for everyone, especially when it gets ugly, but it was for us. There's a reddit forum for ADHD partners and there's a lot of talk about living separately for greater harmony even as a married couple. There's something to it.
I can't say whether or not you should move back in, but regardless of what you decide, you deserve to be in love with your partner and she deserves a partner who's in love with her.
Wishing you the best!
oh, this is really
oh, this is really interesting to hear. Can you share a few links to examples? im kind of new to Reddit so a link to the subreddit would be helpful
For memoryshell
Here is the main subreddit: https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD_partners/
Keep in mind this is very much for people who are struggling partners of those with ADHD so there will be a lot frustration on there.
Here's an example of a conversation about living apart. There have been several over the years: https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD_partners/comments/1f791bk/living_separately_from_your_partner/
Here's a short discussion on this site about it too: https://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/living-separately