Hi, its my first time here and I wish I knew about this community sooner as I might have been able to get support and not feel so alone about my 16 year marriage issues. I'm a 41year old male with ADHD diagnosed twice now.
I read the ADHD and Marriage Six Steps book 6 months ago and it opened my eyes to a lot of the effects of ADHD and my life. Almost every story/anecdote felt like I could have been the one to write it from my experience. There is several things that Im still struggling with that just isn't talked about.
TL;DR: When is it time to move on? At what point is it clear that maybe the relationship, no matter how much effort is put in to working on ADHD effects, just isn't meant to be?
To be honest we have always been so vastly different from each other, no shared hobbies, polar opposite personalities, different views and different friends. We have 3 kids together and while I have been living with ADHD since childhood, my kids are always my priority regardless of the symptoms and struggles I deal with every day. I'm a loving and father and do so much with them but as a husband I'm not so great. Much like the book suggests, I find myself in a very strong parent/child relationship with my wife. I've never felt adequate enough and no matter how much she says she "reads up on ADHD" it's like her attitude and expectations never change. I know part of it is me still feeling attacked or talked down to (nothing I do is good enough, or she's blaming me for everything, or her tone is too harsh). This is something I want to change in myself. It's so hard not to feel attacked. I don't feel this way with most people, work or personal, just her.
I love my wife but im not romantically interested in her anymore. Not sexually attracted. I care about her deeply but kissing her feels weird and strange. Does this come back? To be honest, even though we are talking about working on our relationship because of the ADHD effects (I own my part of the problem, for sure) I just don't know if she's the one I want to be with. I know there is a lot of resentment I carry towards verbal abuse (pretty clearly relate to some situations in the book) but I thought after being separated for nearly a year and half, those things would fade. To be honest, living separately has actually made our co-parenting better and my fear of being around her less. She wants me to move back and gave me an ultimatum. Failure, as divorce is to me, is paralyzing... so of course I can't just get a divorce like some people do right away but im scared to move back in with her too.
Even with ADHD, surely there's some advice for when it's just not the right thing to stay with right? Or am I being too negative and should try anyway? Curious if anyone else has gone through the same thinking. Thank you in advance for any support or replies.
oh... umm asking for a friend btw ;)
