Husband always defects his behavior onto me insisting I am the problem in our relationship. While he admits how he frequently acts is not appropriate, his only response is an apology and insistence that I am justifying my behavior towards him. How different it would be if he just took responsibility for his behavior and came up with solutions to actually CHANGE rather than just tell me he will immediately fix it (since that does not happen). I am so overdone with this attitude. I attempted to explain it to him the other day, and was amazed that he had never even considered it, and acted as if he had NO IDEA he had been doing it. Of course the next day, he immediately did things not consistent with consideration of me, and then acted as if he simply had to apologize again and move on. Moving on is wonderful if some change is forthcoming. When no change appears, it is simply a very depressing situation that is a bottomless pit.
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Unaware of impact
Truly, doesn’t it seem like a lot of ADHD behavior is not conscious and the ADHD person blind to its effects? They may have no idea they’re bending reality or messing somebody else’s life up.
I’ve concluded my ex is unaware he’s damaged my nervous system by his choices, then lied, taken advantage and been abusive. He’s conveniently forgotten. He has no idea why I can’t bear to see him nowadays.
I’m honestly curious about how things are in that ADHD universe, it has little resemblance to mine.
"I’m honestly curious ...
.... about how things are in that ADHD universe, it has little resemblance to mine."
Yout query struck a cord Swedish, and this is something I'm still activitly trying to figure out....both for myself and my X as I process our time together. This is one of those, "I think I might know" based solely on myself and my observations. I wish I did had the answer but "I think I might know" is about as close as I can get.
My first question is however, "how can two people ( both with ADHD ) be so different of far apart ?". For me, that tells me what is ADHD and what might be something else? Or better, what's the core or source ADHD tendency as an associated effect on the person who has it.
My current hypothesis is defense mechanisms: how they manifest, what they're protecting ( self or public imagine etc ) , why certain ones get used more strongly than others and how often they get triggered on a daily basis ( including trigger sensitivity ).
And the memory thing. Is it "self erasure"...or is it ...the "thing" you may be struggling against, simply doesnt make it into working memory in the first place ( which also happens with me...but less common ) IDK? I wish I did?
But theres a lot of variables within this model. And since ADHD more specifically a "exexutive function " issue, then where of how does this idea of defense mechanisms and memory come into play? IDK that either ?
What I do know is this. Currently, when I talk with X on occasion, she acts and behaves towards me as if nothing ever happened. As if ( her part ) didn't exist and she appears to not even realize shes done any damage at all? As long as I never mention ( anything ) her behavior towards me, really does feel like a case of relationship amnesia. As if nothing happened, like its gone from her memory.
Im of course, the opposite of this so from my pount of view, it still leaves me scratching my head.
The one who hurt less forgets
I think in any human connection, degree of hurt is probably tied to clarity of recollection.
When I broke up with my high school sweetheart decades ago, because he acted selfishly and took me for granted, it was obviously very painful for him. I had been in some pain during the relationship and felt liberated, moved away and didn’t think too much about the breakup.
But he hurt for years. It was obvious.
When we reconnected socially recently, I was mainly happy to find a piece of my past whom I associate to youth and good times. He on the other hand quickly went from being appreciating to dark moods.
I think J, with your ex it this might also play out. If she was in control, she might not have felt your degree of pain. And then for her, stakes are so much lower.
Just a thought.
Accountability Malfunction
Swedish, what you mentioned is quite likely a big part of it, and I suppose it's just part of human nature for the person who gets left to have some remaining unresolved feelings even under the best of circumstances.
I should have also included personal "account-ability", literally....a persons ability or capacity to do just that.
What you mentioned is somewhat stereotypical or universal but it's also in the aftermath, not neccesarily during or where X just fell off a cliff or seemed to forget all that was said, as if plans suddenly changed without myself being told....as I reflect back, in how sure, or seemingly solid X appeared to be on par with my own feelings about what we were doing ( why, future plans and goals ) and we both seemed to moving in that same direction.....the apruptness and dramatic shift happened not at the end, but in the middle of our timeline. It's the "all that before" with the connection and being open juat vanished. That's the part ( and ecerything said during that time ) that there's no accountability for.
Just one example..."we" went in halves on a big screen TV and refridgerator....because we were talking about future, marriage, etc. This arrangement was spelled out clearly and agreed upon openly, there was nothing ambiguous ( or any other debts offsetting it ) spoken up front. Handshake deal.
At the end, when I asked about "this time period" when the deal occured and when the decisions were made based our mutual feelings ( about our future together ) specifically, how she was going to deal with her end of our deal....first I got crying, then I got nothing. It was never answered of discussed. Like it never happened. Yet, she keeps these rather large items now, as her own?
I just wonder, if she actually remembers the deal ( the handshake ) or...she remembers it, but these items just ....become mine?
I literally said that to her...."so, they just become yours ?" Crickets. Not one word? And I never brought it up again. For me, it's far less about the money ( long since resolved internally ) and more about this abrupt dropping off the cliff kind of feeling, accimpanied by no accountability or explaination about this dramatic shift. The TV and refridgerator are just a clear example of this malfunction in her ability to simply speak about it in adult terms? I mean, if she truly can't remember, that would be one reason to explain her behavior?
And you know me, I still just want to know why?
Taking things because it’s convenient
I too have seen this depressing amnesia about resources moving in a way not agreed on… and there was never any explanation or resolution after.
Having a sense of fairness, I feel this quality in my ex completely intolerable. And it makes me think considerably less of him nowadays.
Accountability Malfunction
Swedish, what you mentioned is quite likely a big part of it, and I suppose it's just part of human nature for the person who gets left to have some remaining unresolved feelings even under the best of circumstances.
I should have also included personal "account-ability", literally....a persons ability or capacity to do just that.
What you mentioned is somewhat stereotypical or universal but it's also in the aftermath, not neccesarily during or where X just fell off a cliff or seemed to forget all that was said, as if plans suddenly changed without myself being told....as I reflect back, in how sure, or seemingly solid X appeared to be on par with my own feelings about what we were doing ( why, future plans and goals ) and we both seemed to moving in that same direction.....the apruptness and dramatic shift happened not at the end, but in the middle of our timeline. It's the "all that before" with the connection and being open juat vanished. That's the part ( and ecerything said during that time ) that there's no accountability for.
Just one example..."we" went in halves on a big screen TV and refridgerator....because we were talking about future, marriage, etc. This arrangement was spelled out clearly and agreed upon openly, there was nothing ambiguous ( or any other debts offsetting it ) spoken up front. Handshake deal.
At the end, when I asked about "this time period" when the deal occured and when the decisions were made based our mutual feelings ( about our future together ) specifically, how she was going to deal with her end of our deal....first I got crying, then I got nothing. It was never answered of discussed. Like it never happened. Yet, she keeps these rather large items now, as her own?
I just wonder, if she actually remembers the deal ( the handshake ) or...she remembers it, but these items just ....become mine?
I literally said that to her...."so, they just become yours ?" Crickets. Not one word? And I never brought it up again. For me, it's far less about the money ( long since resolved internally ) and more about this abrupt dropping off the cliff kind of feeling, accimpanied by no accountability or explaination about this dramatic shift. The TV and refridgerator are just a clear example of this malfunction in her ability to simply speak about it in adult terms? I mean, if she truly can't remember, that would be one reason to explain her behavior?
And you know me, I still just want to know why?
The End
Husband has now told me since I resent him all the time through my behavior and actions, he no longer wishes to live like this but is unable to offer any other options/solutions. I have failed miserably. I have been making an effort to try to do things differently since February of this year, but it all has only gotten worse. Everytime I take responsibility, he considers it a back handed slap on HIM. I cannot combat this thinking and feel defeated.
Completely unfair to you
I’m positive you as non-ADHD partner can’t unilaterally solve the problems in the marriage. You have tried hard for months to modify your actions, he doesn’t change anything. Of course you are resentful, it’s because he’s not providing prerequisites for the marriage to work.
Sadly, it seems often the non-ADHD partner also must take the initiative to end a dying relationship. ADHD inertia meaning no suggestions, no solutions means the non-ADHD partner is forced to take all responsibility for change.
Please don’t shoulder this responsibility emotionally. It may be that you will have to arrange everything for whatever change needs to happen, but that doesn’t make you morally responsible for it. He’s failed to take responsibility. He’s making everything impossible for you. It’s all completely unfair to you. I only hope you don’t blame yourself. Instead I hope you can protect and nurture yourself during this difficult time.
Appreciate the kind words
I really appreciate your comments. I have really tried over the past few months, but also own that early on in our 40+ year relationship that rather than work with him for solutions, I just took over too many tasks in order to get them done - that was not a good option.
In addition to our relationship disintegrating, I am dealing with the slow diminishment of my 96 year old mother who at least is in assisted living. Also, over the last 5 days, our 12 year old dog is now exhibiting signs of cognitive decline and is not sleeping (got medication at vet yesterday but uncertain it is helping).
It really is just too much right now.
How to explain lack of trust
I told my husband yesterday I was no longer going to ask him for anything (at least for the short term) as I simply cannot stand the amount of stress that follow up causes (due to his inconsistent handling of most tasks). He considers it an “insult” that I do not trust him. How to explain to him that the “lack of trust” is directly related to what he has shown me over a number of years? It appears he does not connect his behavior with my feelings, as if I just created the lack of trust out of thin air! He has used household funds to support his business without any word to me (after indicating he would speak to me first), and now insists that a specific retirement account (in both our names) is “his” and that he will use the funds for his business as he sees fit and will not allow me to veto its use.
I am now in a bad place. From what he has said, I feel there is NO compromise on his part, and I fear a lack of retirement funds for “our” future. Since we are 67 (me) and 68, this is a real concern for me. He has agreed to return to the therapist, but it seems to me this may be what ends our relationship. It sounds petty to end a 40+ plus relationship over money, but how to reconcile a partner that has NO concept that his financial decisions affect both of us and our future?
After the talk yesterday, I had to leave the house in order to not be screaming out of frustration and despair. His response was “is this the game we are now playing?” I told him I needed some space and was just going to nearby mall or other stores to walk. He then insisted the cell phone could fail and then he would have no way to reach me. It seems as if I am dealing with a petulant child.
Can't see another's perspective
Not about finances. but I had the same struggles in my marriage trying to get my then-husband to see the impact of his actions on others. I don't know that there is a way unless your therapist can break through, and even then, the story he tells himself in his mind is what likely wins.
With me, I was working, doing all the parenting, cooking, cleaning, etc. When I was frustrated and exhausted, he saw that as my problem... I do too much. Not that I HAD to do too much because he did nothing. When I pleaded for support, he didn't step up. And when we'd talk about it, he'd dismiss the weight of those tasks... they weren't that big of a deal. I MADE them a big job. I CHOSE to be burnt out.
With your husband it could easily be the same with finances. In his mind that's HIS account, despite former agreements. Despite years of pouring money in, this will be the time the business works and you just can't see that. You're overreacting. Etc., etc. All that matters is the story they tell themselves and it's always much more palatable than taking accountability.
I really also believe there's a true blindness when it comes to how they see themselves. My husband was a great guy, but just couldn't see himself or our situation accurately.
Please seek financial advice
I think you need to A) protect yourself financially ASAP and B) protect yourself emotionally.
A would require a meeting with a financial advisor. B perhaps a temporary place to stay just to breathe, perhaps find therapy, make decisions about how to proceed.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Appreciate comments
I have already done all I can do to protect myself financially without filing for divorce. Husband has agreed to return to therapy, but I will try to see therapist on my own first as well to determine next best steps. I too am sorry I am going through ALL of this. I realize my husband may be dealing with more than I can see, but he has had decades to make it better but little effort has been made. I am just extremely sad.
It’s sad
Thinking of you and wishing you well!
How can husband be blind to his behavior?
I tried to talk with husband yesterday before Family Mediation scheduled for Monday. When I stated his chronic inaction on important issues (adequate sleep, time off from work, etc.) are corrosive to our relationship, his only response was to criticize my behavior. I realize deflection is his go to response, but find it interesting how he can be so blind to how his unresponsiveness affects me and our relationship.
I have told him multiple times since February 2026 (when we started therapy yet again) that I am hanging off a cliff edge by my fingernails regarding our relationship. Yesterday, he acted as if this was the first time he had been told. I am exhausted by his lack of follow through and inability to recall any details of prior conversations. He lives in his own bubble, and acts as if since “he is trying” all should be improving. He overestimates how much “he is trying” to the point that he feels I am just hypercritical.
I am just feeling it is all too much. Despite the fact that divorce is the last thing I ever wanted to do, I feel as if he is pushing me into a corner by not taking an active role in resolving our issues together.
Familiar
Neuchatel, this is both so familiar and equally incomprehensible.
Blindness to how their own actions influence things, and also blindness to what they would need to do to improve things have been the hallmark of my ex too.
Even objective facts aren’t solid in the quagmire of living with some ADHD minds. Neither are goals, or joint decisions. Everything is fleeting, unstable. Even the things they’ve confirmed a hundred times turn out to be untrue.
Somebody on the forum put it so well once: Everything they do is to avoid fear and shame. If their capacity is insufficient for something, instead of facing the discomfort of admitting it, they will deny the whole issue. When they forget something, they will act like it’s unimportant. When they don’t honor an agreement, they’ll say there never was an agreement. Anything to preserve their perceived world intact, and themselves as reliable and moral people in it.
And then your world might fall apart instead. My ex would rather sacrifice me than admit his dysfunction.
It is still difficult
Swedish Coast - Your post was spot on with what I am experiencing with my husband. When we previously had made agreements on joint issues, he would insist he was “bullied” into the agreement or never made such an agreement (even when it was in writing)! It is now to the point that I no longer even try to get him to agree since I have no idea what his interpretation of the situation will be in future (he frequently tells me he does not recall we even spoke).
Mediation is tomorrow (Monday) and I am not looking forward to it. I hope the mediator is able to point out things to him that he believes I over react to or just make up (i.e., how much money he has actually spent to support his business over the past 6 years). I will just have to put my best face on, and act like the professional I am. I have done administrative work for my entire work life, and have dealt with many difficult people; I know I can handle this too.
Wishing you luck
I think the mediator is the best chance to reach an arrangement that can protect you even if the relationship breaks down.
For us, it’s been necessary to only meet with a couples counselor present. Legally or emotionally, it’s too hard to confront a fact avoidant person on one’s own.
Keeping all fingers crossed for you today.
Too Late to the Show
Last night, husband told me he wanted to talk to me (very rare occasion). He wanted to clarify what I wanted as far as him taking time off from work. He has worked 7 days a week / 24/7 for decades. I have been asking for 1 day off a week for some time, with promises from him to put it into place; this has not happened. Our last vacation was in 2005 since his clients have always taken priority — nothing normal about this!
I got much angrier about him talking to me than I thought I would. I feel as if he is waiting to the last minute to even show any caring, not that it would result in actual change on his part. The other day, I told him that his chronic inaction is very corrosive as I never know what to expect: do I get husband that follows through or do I get husband that tells me he will do it, but then immediately forgets.
I realize I already have a foot out the door as I no longer have the patience to wait for him to become a responsible adult and get “his” life in order. We too will probably only be able to review/discuss items with someone present since he considers most conversations with me to be an argument when I disagree with him, or question him. Such is life!
Hard decisions to come
Mediation went as well as could be expected yesterday; mediator told us we were very civil and polite. I tried to be “professional” as I knew getting emotionally upset would not help anything.
Husband refused to acknowledge vast amount of funds used to support his business over past 6 years (“that is not possible”); even mediator said she had never heard of a law firm that could survive that type of debt over that period of time. Husband has a “high risk” practice, and is subsequently exposing me to the financial risk as well by his decisions and behavior. Even mediator asked him if he really wanted to proceed doing all this at age 68. After 2 1/2 hours, we had no agreement so ended the mediation; I do not believe husband will ever agree to anything since he feels certain investment funds are “his” only for his business. Husband claims he cannot name a “hard stop” to funds he will need for business as he has no idea what future will bring - isn’t that what budgeting and planning is for?!?!?
I now have some very hard decisions to make. Am I willing to allow husband to use 30% of our investment funds (specifically for retirement for both of us) to support his business? I am confident he will use all these funds and then come to me to ask for funds that are in my name only.
On top of the financial issues, husband’s chronic inaction for his health (and adequate sleep) is causing problems. All has only gotten worse since February 2026 despite his “intention” to make it better.
I already felt I had one foot out the door, and now feel as if he is shoving me and closing the door. Of course it will be easier for him if I file for divorce as he will tell himself I am doing it for me and it has nothing to do with him (he has done no wrong). Very sad to think the person I once trusted with my life and future has turned into a very selfish and unaware partner who values his business above all. I must find a way to accept his decision for his future.
Sorry, Neuchatel
His attitude looks more or less unforgivable to me. So he isn’t aware of how he’s pumping his and your resources (financial, time, life quality) into his failing business. And when confronted, he denies it. And he shows no sign of changing course.
I’ve spent the better part of three years grieving the bad choices of my ex (and also a former ex who showed up post divorce, behaved disappointingly and was gently distanced by me). It’s a bitter pill to swallow, also shameful. I feel stupid for having been manipulated and deceived.
The road to acknowledging my intentions and my heart were brave is still stretching in front of me.
At least I can say with complete conviction I empathize with you, and would never criticize you for staying in the relationship. So that tells me it’s time to forgive myself as well.
Please take care.
Really sorry, Neuchatel
It doesn't sound like anything about his stance or story changed at all during mediation. I guess there's a chance he could reflect, but it does seem like he can only see things one way since you've been having this conversation for years. You're likely right that if you leave he will continue to believe he's blameless. It's just another one of the hard things we have to accept. I wish you clarity as you make hard decisions. You always have friends here no matter what you decide.