Husband always defects his behavior onto me insisting I am the problem in our relationship. While he admits how he frequently acts is not appropriate, his only response is an apology and insistence that I am justifying my behavior towards him. How different it would be if he just took responsibility for his behavior and came up with solutions to actually CHANGE rather than just tell me he will immediately fix it (since that does not happen). I am so overdone with this attitude. I attempted to explain it to him the other day, and was amazed that he had never even considered it, and acted as if he had NO IDEA he had been doing it. Of course the next day, he immediately did things not consistent with consideration of me, and then acted as if he simply had to apologize again and move on. Moving on is wonderful if some change is forthcoming. When no change appears, it is simply a very depressing situation that is a bottomless pit.
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Unaware of impact
Truly, doesn’t it seem like a lot of ADHD behavior is not conscious and the ADHD person blind to its effects? They may have no idea they’re bending reality or messing somebody else’s life up.
I’ve concluded my ex is unaware he’s damaged my nervous system by his choices, then lied, taken advantage and been abusive. He’s conveniently forgotten. He has no idea why I can’t bear to see him nowadays.
I’m honestly curious about how things are in that ADHD universe, it has little resemblance to mine.
"I’m honestly curious ...
.... about how things are in that ADHD universe, it has little resemblance to mine."
Yout query struck a cord Swedish, and this is something I'm still activitly trying to figure out....both for myself and my X as I process our time together. This is one of those, "I think I might know" based solely on myself and my observations. I wish I did had the answer but "I think I might know" is about as close as I can get.
My first question is however, "how can two people ( both with ADHD ) be so different of far apart ?". For me, that tells me what is ADHD and what might be something else? Or better, what's the core or source ADHD tendency as an associated effect on the person who has it.
My current hypothesis is defense mechanisms: how they manifest, what they're protecting ( self or public imagine etc ) , why certain ones get used more strongly than others and how often they get triggered on a daily basis ( including trigger sensitivity ).
And the memory thing. Is it "self erasure"...or is it ...the "thing" you may be struggling against, simply doesnt make it into working memory in the first place ( which also happens with me...but less common ) IDK? I wish I did?
But theres a lot of variables within this model. And since ADHD more specifically a "exexutive function " issue, then where of how does this idea of defense mechanisms and memory come into play? IDK that either ?
What I do know is this. Currently, when I talk with X on occasion, she acts and behaves towards me as if nothing ever happened. As if ( her part ) didn't exist and she appears to not even realize shes done any damage at all? As long as I never mention ( anything ) her behavior towards me, really does feel like a case of relationship amnesia. As if nothing happened, like its gone from her memory.
Im of course, the opposite of this so from my pount of view, it still leaves me scratching my head.
The one who hurt less forgets
I think in any human connection, degree of hurt is probably tied to clarity of recollection.
When I broke up with my high school sweetheart decades ago, because he acted selfishly and took me for granted, it was obviously very painful for him. I had been in some pain during the relationship and felt liberated, moved away and didn’t think too much about the breakup.
But he hurt for years. It was obvious.
When we reconnected socially recently, I was mainly happy to find a piece of my past whom I associate to youth and good times. He on the other hand quickly went from being appreciating to dark moods.
I think J, with your ex it this might also play out. If she was in control, she might not have felt your degree of pain. And then for her, stakes are so much lower.
Just a thought.
Accountability Malfunction
Swedish, what you mentioned is quite likely a big part of it, and I suppose it's just part of human nature for the person who gets left to have some remaining unresolved feelings even under the best of circumstances.
I should have also included personal "account-ability", literally....a persons ability or capacity to do just that.
What you mentioned is somewhat stereotypical or universal but it's also in the aftermath, not neccesarily during or where X just fell off a cliff or seemed to forget all that was said, as if plans suddenly changed without myself being told....as I reflect back, in how sure, or seemingly solid X appeared to be on par with my own feelings about what we were doing ( why, future plans and goals ) and we both seemed to moving in that same direction.....the apruptness and dramatic shift happened not at the end, but in the middle of our timeline. It's the "all that before" with the connection and being open juat vanished. That's the part ( and ecerything said during that time ) that there's no accountability for.
Just one example..."we" went in halves on a big screen TV and refridgerator....because we were talking about future, marriage, etc. This arrangement was spelled out clearly and agreed upon openly, there was nothing ambiguous ( or any other debts offsetting it ) spoken up front. Handshake deal.
At the end, when I asked about "this time period" when the deal occured and when the decisions were made based our mutual feelings ( about our future together ) specifically, how she was going to deal with her end of our deal....first I got crying, then I got nothing. It was never answered of discussed. Like it never happened. Yet, she keeps these rather large items now, as her own?
I just wonder, if she actually remembers the deal ( the handshake ) or...she remembers it, but these items just ....become mine?
I literally said that to her...."so, they just become yours ?" Crickets. Not one word? And I never brought it up again. For me, it's far less about the money ( long since resolved internally ) and more about this abrupt dropping off the cliff kind of feeling, accimpanied by no accountability or explaination about this dramatic shift. The TV and refridgerator are just a clear example of this malfunction in her ability to simply speak about it in adult terms? I mean, if she truly can't remember, that would be one reason to explain her behavior?
And you know me, I still just want to know why?
Taking things because it’s convenient
I too have seen this depressing amnesia about resources moving in a way not agreed on… and there was never any explanation or resolution after.
Having a sense of fairness, I feel this quality in my ex completely intolerable. And it makes me think considerably less of him nowadays.
Accountability Malfunction
Swedish, what you mentioned is quite likely a big part of it, and I suppose it's just part of human nature for the person who gets left to have some remaining unresolved feelings even under the best of circumstances.
I should have also included personal "account-ability", literally....a persons ability or capacity to do just that.
What you mentioned is somewhat stereotypical or universal but it's also in the aftermath, not neccesarily during or where X just fell off a cliff or seemed to forget all that was said, as if plans suddenly changed without myself being told....as I reflect back, in how sure, or seemingly solid X appeared to be on par with my own feelings about what we were doing ( why, future plans and goals ) and we both seemed to moving in that same direction.....the apruptness and dramatic shift happened not at the end, but in the middle of our timeline. It's the "all that before" with the connection and being open juat vanished. That's the part ( and ecerything said during that time ) that there's no accountability for.
Just one example..."we" went in halves on a big screen TV and refridgerator....because we were talking about future, marriage, etc. This arrangement was spelled out clearly and agreed upon openly, there was nothing ambiguous ( or any other debts offsetting it ) spoken up front. Handshake deal.
At the end, when I asked about "this time period" when the deal occured and when the decisions were made based our mutual feelings ( about our future together ) specifically, how she was going to deal with her end of our deal....first I got crying, then I got nothing. It was never answered of discussed. Like it never happened. Yet, she keeps these rather large items now, as her own?
I just wonder, if she actually remembers the deal ( the handshake ) or...she remembers it, but these items just ....become mine?
I literally said that to her...."so, they just become yours ?" Crickets. Not one word? And I never brought it up again. For me, it's far less about the money ( long since resolved internally ) and more about this abrupt dropping off the cliff kind of feeling, accimpanied by no accountability or explaination about this dramatic shift. The TV and refridgerator are just a clear example of this malfunction in her ability to simply speak about it in adult terms? I mean, if she truly can't remember, that would be one reason to explain her behavior?
And you know me, I still just want to know why?
The End
Husband has now told me since I resent him all the time through my behavior and actions, he no longer wishes to live like this but is unable to offer any other options/solutions. I have failed miserably. I have been making an effort to try to do things differently since February of this year, but it all has only gotten worse. Everytime I take responsibility, he considers it a back handed slap on HIM. I cannot combat this thinking and feel defeated.
Completely unfair to you
I’m positive you as non-ADHD partner can’t unilaterally solve the problems in the marriage. You have tried hard for months to modify your actions, he doesn’t change anything. Of course you are resentful, it’s because he’s not providing prerequisites for the marriage to work.
Sadly, it seems often the non-ADHD partner also must take the initiative to end a dying relationship. ADHD inertia meaning no suggestions, no solutions means the non-ADHD partner is forced to take all responsibility for change.
Please don’t shoulder this responsibility emotionally. It may be that you will have to arrange everything for whatever change needs to happen, but that doesn’t make you morally responsible for it. He’s failed to take responsibility. He’s making everything impossible for you. It’s all completely unfair to you. I only hope you don’t blame yourself. Instead I hope you can protect and nurture yourself during this difficult time.
Appreciate the kind words
I really appreciate your comments. I have really tried over the past few months, but also own that early on in our 40+ year relationship that rather than work with him for solutions, I just took over too many tasks in order to get them done - that was not a good option.
In addition to our relationship disintegrating, I am dealing with the slow diminishment of my 96 year old mother who at least is in assisted living. Also, over the last 5 days, our 12 year old dog is now exhibiting signs of cognitive decline and is not sleeping (got medication at vet yesterday but uncertain it is helping).
It really is just too much right now.
How to explain lack of trust
I told my husband yesterday I was no longer going to ask him for anything (at least for the short term) as I simply cannot stand the amount of stress that follow up causes (due to his inconsistent handling of most tasks). He considers it an “insult” that I do not trust him. How to explain to him that the “lack of trust” is directly related to what he has shown me over a number of years? It appears he does not connect his behavior with my feelings, as if I just created the lack of trust out of thin air! He has used household funds to support his business without any word to me (after indicating he would speak to me first), and now insists that a specific retirement account (in both our names) is “his” and that he will use the funds for his business as he sees fit and will not allow me to veto its use.
I am now in a bad place. From what he has said, I feel there is NO compromise on his part, and I fear a lack of retirement funds for “our” future. Since we are 67 (me) and 68, this is a real concern for me. He has agreed to return to the therapist, but it seems to me this may be what ends our relationship. It sounds petty to end a 40+ plus relationship over money, but how to reconcile a partner that has NO concept that his financial decisions affect both of us and our future?
After the talk yesterday, I had to leave the house in order to not be screaming out of frustration and despair. His response was “is this the game we are now playing?” I told him I needed some space and was just going to nearby mall or other stores to walk. He then insisted the cell phone could fail and then he would have no way to reach me. It seems as if I am dealing with a petulant child.
Can't see another's perspective
Not about finances. but I had the same struggles in my marriage trying to get my then-husband to see the impact of his actions on others. I don't know that there is a way unless your therapist can break through, and even then, the story he tells himself in his mind is what likely wins.
With me, I was working, doing all the parenting, cooking, cleaning, etc. When I was frustrated and exhausted, he saw that as my problem... I do too much. Not that I HAD to do too much because he did nothing. When I pleaded for support, he didn't step up. And when we'd talk about it, he'd dismiss the weight of those tasks... they weren't that big of a deal. I MADE them a big job. I CHOSE to be burnt out.
With your husband it could easily be the same with finances. In his mind that's HIS account, despite former agreements. Despite years of pouring money in, this will be the time the business works and you just can't see that. You're overreacting. Etc., etc. All that matters is the story they tell themselves and it's always much more palatable than taking accountability.
I really also believe there's a true blindness when it comes to how they see themselves. My husband was a great guy, but just couldn't see himself or our situation accurately.
Please seek financial advice
I think you need to A) protect yourself financially ASAP and B) protect yourself emotionally.
A would require a meeting with a financial advisor. B perhaps a temporary place to stay just to breathe, perhaps find therapy, make decisions about how to proceed.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Appreciate comments
I have already done all I can do to protect myself financially without filing for divorce. Husband has agreed to return to therapy, but I will try to see therapist on my own first as well to determine next best steps. I too am sorry I am going through ALL of this. I realize my husband may be dealing with more than I can see, but he has had decades to make it better but little effort has been made. I am just extremely sad.
It’s sad
Thinking of you and wishing you well!