I went to the Dr. yesterday ( after 8 months ) for my medication check in. I've been currently off all medications ( for the past 3 months ) due to no availability living in a remote area.
Before giving any results, I wanted to mention that my current lifestyle choice was not aimed or motivated by improving my physical health, so I'm kind of shocked at the results which also makes me remember my past before I was diagnosed with anything. In other words, this was NOT by design or intention, it's just the end result of me doing what I'm doing.
I've lost 30lbs since my last visit, returning to that when I was a teenager. My resting heart rate is 56 which again, has returned to that when I was in my best physical condition. This was surprising, as I'm not doing cardiovasculat training. My bloodpressure is also very good to excellant and my blood oxygen is 98% ! Woo hoo! Not bad for an old guy who's technically homeless.
The Dr report stated: "Recurrent major depressive disorder in full remission" ...adding in again, without medication. And the only negative said was "abnormal weight loss" yet, my BMI is 22.22 which is still within the healthy rangw for my highth and age.
The interesting conclusion I have is this: I feel as good as my report states. This isn't my imagination and backed by quantifiable evidence.
What saddens me is this. I've only felt this good ( with this kind of results ) when I wasn't working full time and trying to be in a relationship.
It seems like, if I want my physical health report to be this good across the board, the answer is ( historically ) is to be single which does nothing for my feekings of loniness. Loneliness is an ongoing battle and feeling displaced or out of synch with everyone else.
I suppose, what I have to be thankful for is this good health report. If I have to trade "good physical health" with not be alone or not feeling lonely, it makes the choice an easy one.....I'd have to choose "good health" over just about anything else including money.
It's just frustrating, that I have to choose between the two. I know not everyone has to....which is why it's so frustrating.
On the positive side, I haven't had stats like this since I was 25 years old or less. When I started working full time and got married, was the last time I had numbers like these over 40 years ago.
This AuDhd is just one big contradiction after another I guess?
Comments
In your element
I can’t help thinking your excellent health is because you’re in your element, J.
My ADHD sibling who has never been able to conform to general societal expectations has made some choices like yours. In their case: to not get married or have a family. To not accept supervision or a traditional line of work. To not be weighed down by possessions.
There’s an honesty about it that I really respect. I’m sorry my sibling has felt troubled by their undiagnosed condition all their life. But it’s brave of them to live in a way that makes sense to them.
Having lived so long with severe ADD in my ex, it seems I can finally understand my sibling better. To recognize their mind and mine are not similar, to not expect reciprocity or (in their case) basic courtesy, is the only way to have a relationship with them.
I told them the other day I was sad it seemed they don’t care about me or like me anymore, since they never reach out or answer my texts. They were actually very nice about it and briefly showed concern. They’d probably never thought that I might need them, or what their actions have meant to me.
We must love our dear ones for who they are. We must hope for them to thrive in their own element.
You Hit the Bullseye Swedish
I have so much to say here, I'm trying to condence so as, not to write an entire book. Just from what I've heard you say about you're siblings including what you just mentioned:
"who has never been able to conform to general societal expectations has made some choices like yours. In their case: to not get married or have a family. To not accept supervision or a traditional line of work. To not be weighed down by possessions."
I think this a good place to take a closer look. I'm going to use my own family as a reference and how it all played out.
First, I don't think I'm special in any way in terms of this AuDhd thing meaning; I've experienced just about everything you could use to describe this particular challange. If I go back far enough, I can find times when I ran into the same issues ( most ) everyone like myself encounters. Especually as a young child, I had certain sensitivites that became problematic for me at times. I use to scream and carry on when I got hurt I guess. That was a very very long tine ago however.
My point being, I started with the same challenges, but how it played put was entirely different than you're siblings esecially me being the youngest. I had follow two older siblings who were already getting honors and recognition in school and accademics, and as far as the "not toeing the line" is concerned, your comment: "who has never been able to conform to general societal expectations"
I was not given that option. I was a normal ( nuerotypical ) kid who was expected to "just do it" without a lot of help or advise eslecially since the advise I was getting at home was suspect at best. Bottom line, I had to adapt, not the other way around. It's a creative process: figuring put how to fit and be normal when confonted with how I was not. Eventually, you learn how, you find a way or work around, or invent something new in order to meet those expectations. A friend told me once " I can't remember a fraction of what I was taught in college but it taught me how to learn". It's that. The end result becomes you: learning how to become flexiable and creative and that in itself becomes a skill set to use to adapt when necessary and tolerate a certain level of disconfort along the way.
So in it's very essence, this is the first time in my entire life doing this at age 69: "To not accept supervision or a traditional line of work. To not be weighed down by possessions."
Before I got divorced ( nunber 2 ), I was not struggling with societal norms and expectations. I owned a home, steady job for 28 years with one employer, bills paid, no credit, perfect credit score, paid cash for things....bought toys but never on credit etc. Before I was diagnosed, I was leading the life as prescribed and predicted by my parents except the amount of money I made. I had found my niche, but it wasn't in line with my families but there was pressure to make more. I was using my gifts but in my case, used in that way just didn't pay as well and I was willing to accept that to do something I enjoyed.
As I'm becoming even more aware now than ever before, there's a status thing happeming in my own family which I'm already very aware of and know where it comes from.
These topics were discussed at great lengths with my original therapist who started as my ex-wife and my marriage councellor. He first introduced me to the concept of childeren becoming extentions of their parents and specifically, to me because of those issues being relevant to me specifically. This pressure to conform comes not neccesarily for your best interest but as more a means as bragging rights for the parent(s). On a much deeper level, the need to be "normal" is more for them than you. I feel this creates infexibility in the parents and less accepting of anything that doesn't reflect on them favorably or within a certain level or status if that's whats most important. And ironically, under those terms, I not only learned how to adapt, I learned hpw to be flexible including all the skill sets one must learn in order to do so.
If you are not given any other options but one, and you don't have the skills or ability to do it, and the advise or answers you're getting aren't helping, you find a different way around the challenge and use your strengths in creating things as your means to do. More than anything else, being able to find your own answers and apply them is a skill you learn or you don't I guess?
The gifts don't do it for you, you still have to apply them and make them work. What was it Dr Russel Barley said about the brain? Doing part up front...thinking part in the back. There's nothing wrong with my thinking part, I feel pretty confident in saying that. I learned how to adapt and become flexible and using my creativity to do it. None of it was easy back then and everything seemed hard! And thats when my swim coach steps in and tells us those stop signals in your brain are lying to you. You can go WAY past the point that your body is saying stop. And then, I discovered that was true, and I knew I could trust this giy to steer me in the right direction as far as tge "doing" part was concerned with plenty of practice and perfecting that craft. And so it goes in that same type of linear progression. That's not knowledge out of a book based learning like a formal education, it's applied knowldge - set into action and learning by doing from experience. The more you do it, tge better you become at the "doing part".
This entire concept of "my element" is very intriquing. I thought I was in my element before, since I use to using those skills. It is second nature and I adpat quickly and easily to new situations using those same learned skills. If I had to, I could go back and conform, adjust and get a job, secure a place to live and fit right in becuase I learned how long ago before I knew I was nuerodivergent or even what that was.
Swedish, you said your sibling never learned how to conform to societal norms and I wonder why? I'm posing the question based on what I said about me, not being given a choice except within a very small range of options or choices being strongly imposed on me to fit into a box I wasn't fitting in yet, I still did it, and performed resonably well?
The thing is, I wanted to get married and I figured a family would be part of it? It wasn't a matter of not wanting to, it was more a matter of the "doing it" part getting in way and many of the issues discussed Mellisa's book.
If I could take from my exlerience living in the remote desert through the entire summer it's this: Not just my body has responded in kind, but I discovered just how well I adpated and conformed to just about any situation I'm called on to do. I have this ability to adapt and conform whether it's living in the desert or living here in town and "fitting in" where I'm not drawing attention to myself. That includes living at 108° which was the only thing that worried me until I did it and found it wasn't all that bad. I'm actually amazed to be quite honest that I've adapted so well to what many would think would not be tolerable.
And that's when I have to remind myself that I learned how to do that long long ago. So long ago, it's all just second nature. It seems so easy now, when it was so difficult back then.
It It just seems so ironic that those very skills have become one of my biggest strengths now. It also puts a spot light on what probably the majoroty of women I've chosen to be with saw and liked about me as well. Very high tolerances and my ability to adapt can work against me as well.
The difference now is....I'm using my strengths for myself instead of someone else. In that respect, I am in my element, but I'm doing it by choice and with intention...not becuae I can't conform or adapt, just optisite is true. I'm choosing to this now....and taking the path where I'm at my best instead at my worst. I suppose, that's another way to say in my element.
I forgot to mention....
In the last comunication I had with middle sister who hadn't returned my message from 12 days earlier....
I realize this is a commonly used expression, and there's usually nothing to it. But when you've heard you're mother say this possibly hundreds of times, it becomes something different when you hear it coming from ypur sister long after your mother has passed:
"I can't believe you're on this adventure."
For nothing else, it might be a freudian slip or she just picked it up from somewhere else including my mom. In my mom's case however, it was like complete dismay that I taught myself how to do things or better, did things she couldn't do and was shocked that I'd do something outside her wheel house and she genuinely was astonished when she'd say "I can't believe it."
So when I hear my mom talking through my sister and this trigger phrase pops up...I hsve another one of those momemts that I just have to let go of. This is one of those moments where I go " you can't believe it because you can't do it ! " lol
Which again, how many times do you have to do something before you've proven you can? Or better...just because had created something new or different doesn't mean its wrong or even a bad idea. Something is only unorthodoxed because not a lot a lot of people do a particular thing that way...different than what you've seen perhaps?
I have to share a Dear Abby I read long ago that fits here perfectly. This is a fampus one but also my favorite. Supposedly true.
A husband asks his wife why she cuts the end off hams when she bakes them in the oven. His wife says it's the way her mom always did it. Later, when he asked his mother in law why, she said it's the way her mom did it. In this case, the grandmother was still alive so he got the opportunity to ask why she cut the end off her baked hams? She said " oh, it's to make it fit in my baking pan, but I only had the one and it was just a bit too short for the ham."
I will end up talking to my sister eventually, but when I get triggered by the ghost of my moms voice saying "I can't believe it.." that's exactly what I think of ( and need time to get over ).
Granny fit the ham to the pan, that makes perfect sense, no explaination needed ! Two more generations copying her makes no sense whats so ever ! Lol
Not conforming
You asked why my sibling didn’t conform to societal expectations.
I think they were under the same parental pressure that I was (excel academically, make us proud, make money and keep our lifestyle, have children!) but it never made sense to them. They weren’t interested enough to get the skills, and they didn’t like the pretense.
They’re also unable to sit at a dinner table for an entire meal, or listen to more than a couple syllables of the answer of a question. They change subjects and end conversations abruptly. They need to do projects on their own timeline only, often impulsively and right away. So there’s not much accommodation for other people’s needs or preferences.
For them, ADHD has largely meant they don’t care enough about anything to work hard for it. And they never believed they’d want to stick with any partner long term because they get bored with everything eventually.
Or at least that’s what I’ve gathered.
I think they’ve had less luck in life than you, perhaps. You seem to have many options and to have used them in a variety of ways!
Impulsivity
Probably my biggest issue growing up. It's still something I have to watch ( it doesn't go away ) and be aware of. It sounds to me, this is one that has not been addressed or dealt with with your siblings from my point of view.
I think, whether I want to admit it or not, I was more concerned with getting into trouble ( the punishment ) of screwing up. Learning from mistakes ( or making mistakes ) was less about me being effected by failure as I had success at the end of learning that way. I was more concerned about being punished as that negative reinforcement was the means my father used to keep me in line. I was afraid of getting into trouble / the consequences more than the mistake itself. Combined with that "high achiever" attitude you mentioned being imposed on me, the bar was set higher than I could attain at times even when I knew I had tried my best. I think this is the seeds for perfectionism right there including a host of other nurotic behaviors ! Lol One sure fire way to avoid being punished is to be perfect all the time !
I suppose, having that "we'll jist punish it out of him" approach, created an environment where either you sink or swim. Getting thrown into the deep end and hearing "now swim!" is one way to teach a kid I suppose? Lol
I also suppose, that's a learning opportunity as well? Probabay not the kind of opportunity you were thinking but, there were some positive benefits when it comes to performance ( the doing part ) and learning quickly and adapting under duress.
Under those circumstances, not getting yelled at, not getting in trouble ( avoiding the punishment and negative reinforcement ) by fitting in ( and not standing out ) becomes your mission statement in life !
And impusivity features prominently in there!! Without even know what an impulsive action is, you become highly aware of the end results every time you follow it ( the punishnent ). And because ypu're constantly being told to "try harder"..."you're not trying hard enough" ...ypu alsp believe this is the answer. Try harder...just do it!
Which might work for a nuerotypical person but as we now know, that's not an answer in itself. A little more help and coaching is needed than being thrown in the deep end and being told to "swim!". Lol
I still have to remind myself that this operating system might work fine for some, but not very well for a person with ADHD. If you keep trying harder and contuniually fails with luttle success...eventually, you just say "f#@k it". I'm done trying, and you just stop entirely. I can easily see that happening back ( that attitude ) which still exists in me to this day to a lesser degree.
I don't tend to give up after repeated failure. My tendencies are to try different approachs and see if they work, fine tuning them along the way.
It's what I'm doing right now in fact. Failure isn't my issue, not trying hard enough isn't my issue either. Being punished for both trying and failure was always my main motivation to avoid at all costs ( my mission statement ! )
It's precisely why I'm doing what I'm doing right now, solo. I don't beat myself up for failure, it's part of the learning curve. As long as I'm alone, there's no one around to punish me!? Right? Lol
I also have to remind myself that no one knew I was AuDhd including me. They didn't know what they were doing and niether did I. I thought I was "normal" and so did they. I can forgive everone for that much, ignorance is not a crime.
One last thought about your sibling, after witnessing the family dynanic at X's inlaws, where the daughter in law and mother had tight control over "what was allowed " or not. It appears to me, compared to my own family, not only are their symptoms not being addressed, but there appears to be no motivation to do anything about them. They're actually condoned instead of being seen as a problem. They're just allowed to be, just as they are ...wrapped up in pretty wrapping paper with a bow on it and calling it "good".
They clearly don't seem to motivated to change in any way. I suspect, having twins with Austism may change that some. I suppose, that's might be their, "getting thrown in the deep end and told to swim" right there.
I suppose, having that early wasn't entirely a bad thing albiet ...not the best way no doubt.
Intrigued by the singleness
hi J - I was curious about your linking being single and resigning yourself to loneliness.
Not to be gendered-bias but I'm assuming you're a male (now that I think of it, you have said it in previous posts) because this is a very male-centric way of thinking and I'd like to challenge it (in the spirit of community here that we have!).
Maybe being single and not in a committed, long term romantic relationship is the path forward for you and what will happen in your future. But that doesn't mean you have to be lonely. Or resign yourself to a lifetime of loneliness.
Another way of looking at it is this: I'm an only child. Raised by a single mother. In a loud, dysfunctional but full of love family. I was the first child in the family and had everyone to myself for 13 years before the next kid came along. It was glorious and I have many fond memories. (i also have many hardships in being raised by a neglectful mother but that's a post for another time).
I married a man from outside the US and we currently live in his home country and I have built a nice life here. He has 3 other siblings and up to last year, had 2 living parents who were very involved and hands on with helping us raise our son and if I'm truthful, were a big part of why we live in this country and not the US and helped me find my way here as well and be comfortable in this life I chose.
I tell you this because: as an only child, I have learned (Im' 46 years old) that I have a much bigger family than other people - like my husband - tend to see. He feels like his biological family is his family and that's it. No one else. Whereby I have learned and live within the value that I have 'chosen family' and this is my family that I have crafted and built connections with over the last 46 years. I put in what I get and never expect to get what i don't put in.
Whereby my husband doesn't grow his community or call his friend's our child's 'Uncles/Aunties' etc.. and I do.
I say that to make the correlation that it's ok to want a romantic relationship, or not be single for a long time, but that doesn't mean you have to be lonely. (that also means perhaps don't chase loneliness with substances, etc - you have worked hard to get your health back! you deserve good health!).
The two don't have to be related. They can both be true at the same time - which is frustrating, I know. And they can also live and operate on their own at separate times.