1 year of marriage is miserable enough..

I am new to this site and this is my first posting. This site is like an oasis in the desert to me right now. I am about to gush out all of my frustration here..    

I have been married for one year to an ADD husband with no kids. He was diagnosed 7 years ago, but I didn't know about it until a few days ago. All of his family knew about it, but no one told me. I would not have guessed on my own that he had an ADD, just because I was not familiar with it. It was coincidental how I found it out. As you can imagine, I have been going through rough time due to stress and anger coming from our marriage from day 1, actually even before. I recently developed some health problems (nausea/dizziness/migraine) that my physician could not figure out the cause for. After hopping around different medical departments, the answer came out -- it was coming from stress. When I described my husband's behaviors and our problems to my counselor, she hinted that it could be due to an ADHD. I came home and searched for ADHD symptoms and I could see so many things that I could relate to his behaviors, although they are mild. When I told my husband to go see a doctor, he was upset, accusing me and the counselor for boxing him into a labeled category for no reason, but a few days later he confessed that he was already diagnosed with ADD a long time ago. In a way, I felt relieved that now I understand why he has been the way he was. After all, maybe it was not him, but his condition. However, I already have so much anger and resentment toward him that I have emotionally shut down myself from him. If I knew about it earlier, from the beginning, I could have tried to accept him more easily, but I am afraid that I have already lost my respect and affection for him. 

We fell for each other very quickly. I mean, everything happened so quickly. We dated only 3 months before engagement, and another 3 months before wedding. Now that I think back, I feel he rushed things to get married. He was the warmest person I have ever met. Almost too good to be true. He sounded blunt (speaking almost carelessly) at times, but I could feel the warmth in his heart, and I could clearly see his adoring eyes whenever he looked at me. He looked exactly like an extremely happy kid with a big delicious candy in his hands when he was with me. (Now I see that it must have been the hyperfocus phase) There was no doubt that he was in love with me and he would keep the warm heart and adoring passion for me through the marriage.  While we were dating he told me that he has some issues with his parents. His dad had an anger control problem and they had lots of conflicts in his childhood, with some physical punishment. He had a lot of resentment against his dad and because of that, even though he loves and cares about his family so much, he cannot express his love in a sweet attitude. He even warned me that he would behave differently in front of his parents before I met them for the first time. He was blunt to to his family, almost like a bitter business relationship. There was no smiling and laughing with when he was with them. I should have paid more attention to that, but how would I have known? He himself said that he is different from his dad, and he will never get violent, or angry at me. During dating he sometimes showed some frustration then he was blaming himself more than I would normally expect. And when he is driving on the road, if other drivers annoy him somehow, then he would get upset and chase after them or try to scare them in revenge. Back then, whenever he showed such erratic behaviors, he at least immediately realized and apologized to me, but now, he always says he has a legitimate reasons to be upset thus no need for apology.    

I started noticing changes in him shortly after engagement. Since we had such a short engagement, wedding preparation was quite stressful. But if there was any stress, it was actually mostly on me, being a bride who was planning for the wedding with no one around to get help from. He literally did not do much. He got frustrated with money, because he did not have enough savings for the wedding, and rings, etc. (We took care of the expense 50:50) He would complain there and there, and was not helpful at all. So finally, fed up with his endless complaints, I told him to stay away from the preparation and I would all take care of it, even though he was the one who wanted to get married as soon as possible. This is why I think he rushed things. If you are not financially ready to get married, you should not even think about doing it so quickly. In his mind, since he decided to marry me, the sooner the better, regardless of the financial situation. But then, the reality was not as easy as he thought. So he started to feel frustrated, and he started to change. He became indifferent and careless to me. We had lots of fights over money and wedding planning. I got worried, but since I was told that many couples get stressed during wedding preparation and it will be gone after the wedding, I simply thought we were going through a normal temporary roadblock. 

After the wedding, his tendency to get easily irritaed continued, or became worse. During our honeymoon, he kept complaining about things and got upset at me, as if he forgot that we were on our HONEYmoon. I even slept crying alone one night after a big fight, wondering what on earth got in his mind and what I have done wrong. He does not know how to comfort me. I felt emotional distance and isolation from him. He was not the same person I fell in love with. In the early days of our marriage, I continued to feel the same emptiness all the time. He has a demanding job and he was always under pressure, and his commute to work became hard and long after he moved in with me. I tried to accommodate his needs since I knew that he was physically tired. But he was just so cold, and blunt, and there was no affection in him. Even when he was not so cranky, his attitude was not affectionate enough to assure me that he still loves me. He started to show random anger outburst. He would curse out loud, throw things to the floor, slam the door, etc. He never hit me or physically violent. But even those verbal outbursts were shocking and threatening enough to me, knowing how gentle and tender he was before. I fell in love with Dr. Jekyll, but was living with Mr. Hyde. And even when he returns to Jekyll from time to time, it was not the same Jekyll but more like some hybrid half way. All those emotional disconnection shut me down. He was so stubborn and headstrong that when he gets irritated and upset, there was no other way around. After a couple of hours of alone time, he might come back to normal. This repeated over and over, and we could not even spend a few days without his outburst or fight. I became angry and resentful not knowing why he changed so much, and started firing back at him. I felt victimized by this uncontrolled immaturity.

In addition to the anger outburst and low threshold of irritation, he keeps doing things that drive me nuts -- lose things, forget where things are, book flights on wrong dates, leave kitchen cupboards and drawers open, leave the jars or snack bags open, rarely organize things, randomly gives irrelevant comments when I talk about something, and ZERO tolerance with hunger, fatigue, and pain. He always says he wants to have a physically active and healthy life style, and when things don't go the way he wants due to his lack of drive and consistency, the blame is on me. He abandoned me on the road one time when we were out biking along the lake on a trip because he was upset that the leisurely biking was not active enough for him and he was mad that I could not try mountain biking. I am not a good biker, and even riding a bike on a street is scary enough for me, and he demands me mountain bike! He just does not realize that I don't have the same level of physique as him! Being active is so important to him that he had to ruin our romantic bike ride, just like the way he ruined our honeymoon. He tends to get pinpointed in one thing that he totally forgets the whole purpose of why even he does things. If I don't do one thing that he wants at the moment, he forgets all the good things I did for him a minute ago. He has extremely low threshold for frustration. He has all the legitimate reasons to get upset. For him, there is nothing wrong about showing his anger - because there are so many things to upset him in the environment and he is just responding to them. And of course he does not understand the impact of his anger on me.

Not knowing that his behaviors were coming from ADHD, I could not help losing my respect on him when he could not take care of himself and household as a responsible husband. I felt like he wanted me to become his mom, secretary, maid and a trash can. He claims that I have condemned him and belittled him. I must have behaved that way out of anger and hatred since I shut down myself from him. I had to protect myself from getting emotionally destroyed by him. I do not know how to restore my feelings for him. Honestly I don't know if I want to.
We don't have kids yet. I would love to have kids, but now I am afraid of having kids with him. Even before I knew about his ADHD, I was worried that our children might inherit his anger outburst. Now knowing that ADHD is highly heritable, I am really scared. Last one year was miserable enough, and I don't know if I will have enough patience and strength to support a husband with ADHD and kids with ADHD. I am really scared.. What shall I do.

What should I do?

Oh, honey! I'm sorry to say it, but you may want to consider cutting your losses and leaving while you are still emotionally intact. My ex hurried our marriage, never displayed any temper during dating, then turned into a psycho almost immediately, similar to the way you describe. We (I) stuck it out 4 years (we have both been married before); our kids are grown and gone, we have no money problems. He has a lot of education, we both have good jobs, not much pressure in his life. No bad finances. Life should have been rosey. My ex would actually read books with me on marriage, ADHD, domestic violence, anger, but he would hone in mostly on little tidbits that he might use to be critical of me. We did constant counseling; several washed their hands of us -- one said his rages were so upsetting during sessions that he was taking the emotions home and couldn't see him anymore. With each counselor, DH learned to talk the talk and present himself as logical and rational. Lots and lots of image control, but very little change in himself. But even when it looked like there might have been progress, the surprises and "backsliding" were constant. For every seeming bit of progress, he would suddenly come up with a new way of creating chaos -- drinking, violence, passive aggressive behavior, etc. I would never have dreamed a person would seeming choose chaos over getting along, but that is how it has turned out.

As to the warm, wonderful way you were treated during the pre-marriage phase? Well, in my case, I believe my DH had a picture in his mind of what kind of woman he wanted, and I must have fit some of the criteria. He put me on the pedestal in his mind and almost worshipped me, as I was going to be the final woman of his dreams. When we married and he began to realize I had a personality that differed sometimes from his "wonder woman", he became angry and tried to manipulate me back into line with his dream. I never felt he wanted to know the real me -- he didn't want to listen to my experiences, my childhood, my dreams. He only wanted me to fall in line. And when I did, he was happy. When I didn't, he was angry.

Be sure you stay on birth control. I do have an ADHD child (not his), and it is very painful to watch their struggles as they grow up. You love them dearly , but your heart will break many, many times raising them.

As I've said before in posts here, think long and hard before you reach the point of no return in this relationship. A couple of my therapists told me they had seen women married to men like him for 25 years or more, going to counseling, reading, trying everything possible, but they rarely changed. And one flat out told me it was unlikely he would change, that if I stayed the only way to keep my sanity would be to disconnect emotionally from him.

 

Are anger and short fuse directly due to ADHD?

lynnie60, thank you for sharing your experience and comments. It is strikingly surprising how each ADHD-er shows similar patterns in their behaviors. 

I have to say that the most frustrating part in my marriage is my ADHD husband's anger outburst and short temper. Frankly speaking, his conditions in terms of the "typical" ADHD symptoms are not so severe, although from my non-ADHD standard, I cannot easily understand them anyway. For example, he does house chores even if not asked - doing dishes, vacuuming the carpet, taking garbages out, cleaning bathrooms, and ironing his own shirts. What he comes short mostly is organizing and following instructions. Even he himself admits that the concept of CLEANING is quite well installed in him but the concept of ORGANIZING and PLANNING is missing.

So, since he does not feel that he has all of the typical ADHD symptoms, despite his diagnosis, he believes that his "super mild" ADHD is only limited to his short comings in organizing and planning. Therefore, he does not admit that his ADHD is affecting our marriage. He strongly believes that his anger  and zero patience are because of the external factors in the environment. Since he has this strong desire to be a certain way, when things don't go that route, he just loses himself. I am trying to tell him what I read from my research, that ADHD is likely to coexist with other disorders so his anger must be somehow associated with ADHD. But he never accepts that and always argue how his "mild" ADHD symptoms should not be used to label him as one of the typical ADHD. Does this make any sense? Hearing his consistent nonsense over and over, I am almost questioning myself whether his anger is part of his ADHD or not. Maybe he just has anger management issue? Or is this another typical denial of ADHD spouses? 

As for the concerns about children -- if he has only a mild ADHD, are our kids going to inherit his mild symptoms only or can they have worse kind? lynnie60, you said you have a child with ADHD, not from your ex husband. Then, did the father of your child have ADHD too? Does that mean that there are so many men with ADHD out there? Even if I leave my husband, I might end up with another man with ADHD? From what I read in this blog, it feels like more than half of the men in the world have ADHD of some sort... 

I think so

I have ADHD.  After 10 years of denying it from my first diagnosis, I decided to get re-evaluated when my out-of-control anger was targeted at my three year old.  I don't think I've ever heard of "mild symptoms" as if he had a touch of the flu.   I know now that it is a physical disorder since the brain does not produce enough dopamine and norepinefrin (I'm sure I got those spellings wrong) to help organize and shut off thoughts.  He either has ADHD or he doesn't.  It does present itself differently in different situations but it is what it is.  I am a little disappointed (but understand) that he would feel labeled as a "typical ADHDer".  First, after all these years, I still don't know what "typical" is.   Secondly, once you accept you have ADHD, it's not that horrible if you are treated.  It is not like I walk around with a big sticker on my head saying" look at me, I have ADHD".  In fact, I was "labeled" more by my piers before I was treated.  (The labels weren't always that nice either). My husband and I have tried to learn to find humor in it...like when I couldn't find enough room in the refrigerator for the toaster or when I would give him the baby bottle and the baby the coffee cup!!!!  He has got to learn to laugh at himself.  

Take it from me, you are NOT experiencing "typical denial of an ADHD spouse".  You are just stating the facts.  And yes, he has anger management issues...he needs to manage his ADHD.  Trust me, my husband is far from being "out of the woods" with me and my anger.  From fight to fight, I still fear that in the morning he is going to walk out.  But he knows I try and the only thing I can ask of him is to give me more chances. 

If your kids end up having ADHD, don't worry.  They can still be very successful contributing members of society.  After all, they have a mother who will be educated about it, will instill in them that it is not a horrible disease, will help build their self-esteem in different ways and will ABSOLUTELY get them treated so that they don't feel that their mother labels them or thinks any different about them.  

Anger and short fuse

From what I have seen, anger and short fuse are typical ADHD symptoms, usually. Let me tell you my credentials before I tell you my experiences. My father, sister, 2 of her 3 kids, my daughter, possibly her father, my son, his father, two of my exes, their kids, and possibly some of my past boyfriends all have/had ADHD, and most will admit to it. Most have/had anger issues; my mother didn't have ADHD, but she was an angry, angry person before she died (probably from going insane around so many ADHDs)!

One therapist said I needed to work on WHY I choose such dangerous men -- and now I think I know. To me, ADHD people were what I perceived as normal. As a child and young person, I probably thought I was at fault for every negative reaction anyone threw my way, and now I actually PICK ADHD people so I can have someone I am comfortable with but can work out past low-self esteem issues. But it doesn't work. ADHD people are not the way the are because of me (even though they may tell me they are). One counselor asked my ex why he was so angry, and when he started the tirade, they counselor interrupted and said, "No, she hasn't caused this much anger in you. This comes from WAY back."

So it may be that you WILL end up with another one, not because there are so many but because you may be a magnet for them! (as I was) My current ex spent almost a year working on anger management with a psychiatrist who did not pick up on the ADHD.) He learned to quit hitting me and tearing things up, and could sometimes gather himself together and begin to talk rationally IF I became a little aggressive back and tell him when I was imitating what he just started doing! There was rarely normal conversation, however. He saw insults in most every normal conversation we had, if it was deeper than talking about the weather. Then out came the defenses, denying, distorting, lying, etc.

The difference I see in whether it is debilitating or not is probably whether they take meds successfully or how fragile their ego is. And I would suspect most ADHDers think theirs is mild. My ex first said he fit every single criteria in the ADHD test! However, he thought of it as, "Gee I forget my car keys sometimes, and that is because I have ADHD." When he was confronted with how damaging his behavior was to those around him (that he was blind to), suddenly he became convinced that HIS ADHD was mild -- and decided he could probably control his "mild" symptoms with exercise only. You see, he didn't see much of anything from anyone's point of view but his own. And anything else that a normal person would attribute to his ADHD, he would attribute to someone else.

Also realize that a person who has ADHD, even if they are controlling it well, will have a different perspective about ADHD than those around them. My children are both fairly happy as adults. However, they didn't see how painful it was for me to watch and help  them struggle through their childhood years. And neither will take medication. It does cause some problems in their relationships I think.

 

 

My husband cleans and

My husband cleans and does house work as well mainly because he can not stand to have a mess. Also like your husband he is not a good organizer unless it comes to something he is really really interested in. Then no one is as good at it as he is. He doesn't think he has ADHD either. Well sometimes he does. He was the one who told me he had it. He is a teacher and one of his student teachers, seeing his behaviour and how disorganized he was at work told him he has ADHD. Once I started to read about it I was shocked at how much he really does have it. Now he says he is just hyper and sometimes has a bad temper. At first he believed too he just had mild mild ADHD. I left him last summer and he wanted me back so then he had ADHD for sure and started to read books. Even went to a Dr. with me which was a complete disaster. The Dr. was angry at me for self diagnosing him with ADHD. The Dr. asked him... "do you get into car accidents, Can you keep a job"? Of course he answered no to both so the Dr. told him he didn't have it. I started to think the same way you are. Maybe its just an anger issues. But I can't excuse the other behaviours and quite frankly that Dr. does not live with him and knows nothing of Adult ADHD. 

He is impulsive, blurts out things that are mean and sometimes shocking to others, he yells even when he is just having a normal conversation, he spends money like crazy on things he does not need but won't spend money on the things he needs, he can ask you a question and before you get out the answer he has moved on the two other subjects. That is not and exaggeration. Once within less than one full minute he changed the subject three times. I was amazed. I was still working on finishing the answer the first question. He appears self-fish about somethings... like money. But sometimes can be very generous. This is up and down also. He is a very very inconsistant parent. What might be ok one is not ok the next day. Jealous.. phew I can't even tell you. I put on purfume to go to work and I am trying to pick up my boss. He has even questioned how close I am to my female friends.. hahahahaha... That's jealously at it's worst. Insure also. Double standards.. this is the worst I think. If he does something it's ok he laughs its funny or just ok. If me or his daughters do the same thing he is yelling and swearing ??? that confuses all of us. I am constantly saying "you do it to".

As you can tell I am at a point where I can't even give advise on how to handle this. I can only offer my story and let everyone know who lives with this they are not alone. I am still learing mysefl how to deal with this or if I even want too continue to try. I find I am losing my affection for him and becoming where I don't like him. I love him but I don't like him .. or at least when the symptoms of ADHD are really high. 

As for Children I can tell you that both of his daughters have it also. One daughter was diagnosed. She is a little more of the laid back can't focus, clean her room, following instructions, talks to much and so on. The other one is like him bad temper and has a personality like she doesn't care about you but later wants to cuddle with you (up and down). The ex-wife is aware that both have it too. He refused medication for his daughter so his ex could not procede with that type of treatment and just sits with her every night doing homework to keep her focused. In moments of his denial he says they got it from his ex-wife. But I strongly disagree.

It is from what I read more common in men. I am starting to think the same thing. I am in my early 40's and I am starting to think that this is all I will find in a man. 

degreen, thanks for sharing your story

Same here -- I think I love my husband but I don't like him. Or I just don't love him. Or I am so hurt that I don't even know the feeling of "love" any more. I feel like I am losing my sense and logic. I am so confused that I feel like I am showing some of his ADHD symptoms too, like inconsistency. I am scared too to think this is all I can find in a man. big sigh... 

I try really hard to remember

I try really hard to remember that he can't help it and most times he doesn't really mean what he says. There have been times he has said things only later to realize they were totally unacceptable and then he was very embarrassed. Not with me of course but around friends or in social gatherings. He will insecurely go on and on about it. I feel for him in that sense. I always support him. I also wonder or think I deserve better. He acts in such strange ways sometimes like he doesn't like me but then there's the other kind, loving side of him. So right now I am trying to forget the little ADHD things .... like the lecture about how many lights are on.. when 5 minutes later he is leaving one on and walking out of the room.... however, I also don't " lay down like a dog either".. I find some humour in it. I say mmmmmm I think you also left a light on. I think that I will either learn to live very well with this disorder or I will leave. One day my heart and mind will tell me the right thing to do. Right now I love him to peices and am tolerable but then again things in my personal side of life are great so and busy. So I don't really have the time to think about his behaviour. Maybe that's part of the key? Focus on yourself more not so much on the ADHD? But I love the support I get from this site.

Lynnie70,  I truly am sorry

Lynnie70,  I truly am sorry for the struggles that you faced in life related to ADHD.  But can you honestly say that your kids would have been better off not having been born?  Was their ADHD that bad?  I'm just confused I guess.  I have ADHD and two beautiful children who may or may not have it.  As a mom, I dread seeing them struggle in life.  To me, seeing their struggles will be worse to me than facing my own.  But, my goodness, I am so happy I had them.  And I am happy that my mom had me. 

If whoever is reading this is struggling with whether or not they should have children because their spouse has ADHD, just know that no matter what DNA gets together, all children are going to struggle.  I know what it is like to struggle with ADHD as a child.  I would be mortified to find out that my mother tells other people not to have children because of the potential for them to have ADHD and that the struggle to see me grow was too much for HER.  

I most certainly do have a different perspective because I'm the one with ADHD and I don't have to live with someone with ADHD.  I also know that my ADHD makes me extra sensitive to everything.  lynnie70 has had so terrible experiences with people who have ADHD and her perspective is different.  I just can not relate at all. 

Having ADHD kids

No you are right -- I love my kids and their experiences also helped me grow. If we let Him, God always has his hand in things. However, one child was spit on for months by kids in Jr. High. When he passed them in the halls. At the water fountain. Even by girls. He was hit in the face (bloody nose) and HE was suspended (he was poking at the other kid and irritated him. ADHD kids sometimes have a hard time keeping their hands to themselves, but I always taught HIM that HE was never allowed to hit someone.... ). I had to pull him from school and homeschool him for two years. Other kids were so mean to him. He would go to activities I had worked so hard to get him involved in, and eventually, one of the kids who knew him from school would show up, and he would be terrified, they would see it and bully him more,  and he would have to leave. I saw kids being just brutal to him. When he was 7, he came to me and asked quietly, "Now why is it, mom, that we can't kill ourselves?" However, as a single mom, I became very involved in his life and we had a lot of fun camping and finding fun activities that I (as a female) would probably never tried alone. And now we have a fantastic relationship. He is a very bright, handsome young adult that makes eye contact with you and has a good firm handshake -- lots of integrity and compassion in that kid. He's pulled himself up by his bootstraps and got excellent job training. He's a benefit to the world, no doubt.

The other was also exceptionally bright and loved to be with people -- and talked nonstop as a small child. The teachers at daycare always punished her for talking too much. She got left in a closet one time and they forgot about her for hours. She never got a "sticker" like all the other kids for being a "good citizen" because she talked too much, but she was always happy for the kids who DID get one and would chat happily about THEIR experiences. Once she found one on the floor -- she stuck it on her shirt and was so proud that she had a sticker now -- but at naptime, she was talking and one of the teachers came over and ripped in off her shirt. She never cried about these stories -- but I felt so helpless at the unfairness of it. She tried so hard. But she is a bright kid too. She learned --  she overcame most of the tendencies that got her in trouble. She has lots of friends, a good family, great grandkids for me, active in church. For sure, she is also a credit to herself and the world around her.

My point is just that I love my kids -- I do not wish they weren't here. I just wish I hadn't given them such a handicap. I wish they could have been the happy children they deserved to be, like the other kids. They overcame great odds, so I'm sure it was worth it to them -- but poor babies. They had such a hard time. And they deserved loving fathers who would help out, not irritable grownup children who wanted to be the centers of attention themselves.

Everyone needs to know your story

Lynnie70.  I have to say that I was a little worried about reading your reply since I thought I sounded so harsh in my posting last night.  I know that you love your children and are better because they are here.  One of my "issues" is "getting so defensive"...as you know from experience.  I was picked on in elementary school but by no means, in comparison to your children's experiences.  I really don't know why these types of things have to happen to children.  God certainly had a hand in helping them through life by giving them you as a mom.  If or when they have children, please be there to also guide them in helping their children...As an ADHDer, I really need help from those around me who do not have it so that I can check my reality and give my kids the best life they can have.  

I have to make sense of my ADHD because I know that no one else can.  Perhaps one of the ways I can do this is to help educate others in the community.  I'm not sure how yet.  I can't even help my own siblings who, I believe, are raising children with ADHD.  I see how they approach discipline and the way they talk about their children's actions and behaviors.  This really frustrates me.  It seems as though no one, but my husband and you guys on this blog, really believe ADHD exists.  Although no one in my family will admit it to my face, I know that they think that I've made poor decisions in my life and that I have not accomplished much because I don't have the will.  When something occurs in our family, everyone puts my ideas and opinions to the side (I'm not just saying this because I'm too sensitive to it, others outside the family agree with my observations).  Anyway, I can't seem to find a way to approach them on how to help their children.  Can you please give me any advice.  My one sister has a little boy who struggles so much with everything that she is afraid to send him to school so she home schools him but refuses to treat him for ADHD.  She just punishes him by taking away everything he enjoys and everything that he is good at.  She is very much into the importance of academics and book knowledge and, I think, fails to see that some can contribute more by taking a different path.  My other sister called her son "lazy" to me the other day and told him that he would be a plumber when he grows up.  I wanted to tell her..."who do you think you are.  First, plumbers probably make more money than you and your husband combined.  Second, give the kid a break, he tries so hard even if he isn't achieving the grades you want him to."  

I'm telling you these things because you have seen what your children had to go through because people did not or were not willing to understand ADHD.  Can you give me any advice as to how to approach it with them in a way that is not offensive.

I will keep you and your children in my prayers always!  Thank you for the insight.

Raising ADHD kids

Wow. How to help ADHD kids? I really agree that too many people don't believe in ADHD, or at least they are not aware of all of the ramifications. Not even the professionals. (not even me at the time). By the time I felt I really understood how to know how to help them effectively, they were grown. But I guess I just intuitively did a lot right. My advice? First, realize they march to a different drummer. And as long as you support them and believe in them and don't let them lose their self respect as a child, I think they will be great adults. I tried to reassure my kids that things would get better as they grew older, and they did. My son almost didn't graduate. Smart, above average IQ, but hated school. Of course, as a parent, we believe that our child's success depends on their education. So we cram the kid into society's mold. However, after getting into some minor trouble with the law, he finally decided he wanted more out of life (all on his own -- no pressure from me), and he suddenly got interested in raising his status and basically tested out of 5 tests, and became certified in all areas of one of the crafts. Hurray for him!

I was younger with my daughter, and she took care of herself all lot more, but she did thank me for the way she was raised when she grew up. After the daycare incident and others, I figured out a way so I could work from home. She didn't have all of my attention during the day, but at least I was there for emergencies and she could have her good friends to play with, not the mob at day care. We got a horse. She got a lot of attention from her friends and had something fun and challenging. I got her into a good church group and encouraged her to do things with them.

I 100% support home schooling for these kids. Even if they just complete online classes and do a minimum. With a bit of effort on your part, they will learn MUCH MUCH more than they learn in school. Ask teachers. They have to cater to the lowest trouble maker in the class, leaving little time for creative teaching for bright or different kids. Expose these kids to everything you can think of to "turn them on" to life. Find something exciting for them to be involved in that they can be good at! Tools (even dangerous ones if you watch them very closely -- not Fisher Price). Start preparing them to be adults from the time they are small. They are better at being adults than being children. Expose them to older kids and adults, who frequently are more compassionate. Take them to classes with you. Be their best friend and advocate, especially when they feel no one else will. (Most son still came out of childhood feeling like I didn't stand up for him enough, so stand up for them no matter what! ) Observe what they enjoy, then let them choose the direction they want to take, and them help them. Plumbers are in short supply right now and they make excellent wages!

We didn't do meds. My feeling is was that the best time for a child to learn how to adapt was when their little brains were developing as children, and I didn't want to hinder that. I saw some of their friends that took meds and didn't seem any better for it. However, as adults, I would encourage them to try whatever they feel is helpful. I'm still undecided about taking meds as kids, though. Looking back, if they would have come through school with more self esteem because they could pause and think things through, I might have opted for them. I did give fish oil though, and saw many benefits (including getting rid of dermatitis).

Thanks for posting. It is encouraging to see that you believe life is so worthwhile, even with the struggles, and that you want to use your experience to help others. You can be there for your nephew. Tell him how smart he is when he does something unique. Laugh with him. Expose him to something he might like. Tell him your stories that may be similar to things he is experiencing and let him know they came out OK. Tell him things you did to make it turn out OK.

Enough rambling for now.

 

 

You are an extraordinary woman

lynnie70, you are an extraordinary woman.  I am so glad I asked you because I think I would have approached my nephews' problems in the wrong way.  I am so pro meds because they have helped me so much.  But I started on them as an adult.  Having read your post, I'm not sure I would advocate for meds for the little ones.  Your right, their brains are growing and need to be wired naturally...not by adding chemicals.  I wish I lived closer to them and could be a part of their lives more.  I'm kind of the awkward aunt who does silly stuff at holiday parties but never really sits and talks (I struggle with parties because of my ADHD...even with family).  Maybe next visit, I'll take them out by themselves just to get to know them better.  

I could go on and on but I know this really isn't the forum to be talking about my nephews possible ADHD.   Maybe all post a new forum in the future!

Thank you again!

 

The silly aunt

How funny. My ADHD sister was the silly aunt who always came to my son's birthday parties. When he was around 9 or so, she dressed up in a long raincoat and came sneaking out as the boogey man, and all the kids got to throw water balloons at her as she hid in the trees. He loved her -- she was so much fun with the kids.

I dress up like a turkey

I dress up like a turkey every Thanksgiving. Two years ago I dressed up like a turkey, danced to a rap song and passed out acorns...only to prove that my husband really loves me!!!  

thank you so much for sharing your experience with kids

lynnie70, you are truly an amazing loving mom. Your story of raising ADHD kids is really touching and encouraging, but honestly speaking, I feel quite overwhelmed. As you said that it was heartbreaking to watch them suffer growing up.. even a concept of child-bearing is overwhelming to me at this point (whether they have ADHD or not), I cannot even imagine if I can go through the hardships you have experienced. Even if I end up staying in my marriage, I'd better not consider having children, if I had a choice?  Knowing that they are likely to inherit ADHD, and knowing that their lives will be much harder than other kids, and knowing that raising them will require a lot more tearful efforts than now... I might feel guilty for letting them out to the world, despite the joy they will bring to my life in return.   

you are smart to think about it ahead of time

I am saddened by a choice you would make to not have children based only on the possibility that they may or may not have ADHD.  I was indifferent about having children in the first 10 years of my marriage.  In fact, my husband and I really didn't get along all that well (surprise!) and it was a good thing we didn't have children in the early years.  But then it happened out of the blue and there are no words that even come close to describing this miracle.   After learning from this website, I believe you are so smart in considering everything it means to have children because they will become your whole life.  Consider the possibilities that they my have ADHD or some other inheritable disorder or disease.  Consider that your spouse (as I did) will have a very difficult time adjusting to the change of life.  Know that not only will you have to take care of him in his moments of "losing it" but that you now have children that will be affected by it and there is no turning back.  You won't be able to take them away from their father and you will not want to leave because you will want to protect them when they are with their father for the fear that he might "lose it" around them.  Consider all these things, but not just that your child may or may not have ADHD.  God makes everyone beautiful and everyone has a purpose, even if they have to struggle.  And if God gives you a baby despite your efforts, don't fret.  We all get through it.

Having children and ADHD

I think the post above does a good job summing things up. Just be sure you wait to have children until you have a good handle on how things may turn out. Some ADHDers mature much slower, but do mellow out some. Some will get treatment. Some need someone so badly that they will work with you if they aren't threatened and will really love you deeply. There is no way to know how life will turn out with anyone! But the key is to go into anything with your eyes open.

Read everything you can about ADHD. About what some ADHDers do when they are divorced. Try to engage your DH and PUSH him to interact with you. Figure out what you want from life and see if he will work with you or become biligerant. I would't pussy-foot around too much because you are setting the course for your marriage right now, but try to be kind. If you are asking for a relationship like any other woman would want, he should consider your feelings too. If he is a kind man, work with a therapist and READ, READ, READ. Read to each other in the car, at night, etc. and talk about both of your fears. Read about regular marriage issues too, not just ADHD issues. (Anger, communication, boundaries-there is a lot of free stuff online). But I wouldn't give up prematurely.

Expect the best, but be prepared for the worst. Prepare yourself financially. Stay in touch with family. Make sure you build up friendships with other women. Spend some time away from each other so you are used to it and not afraid. Get involved in a good church and take marriage classes -- all kinds.

Wait to have kids until you have a better feel for your relationship together. As long as there is no immediate stress of children, you can take your time and get to know each other. If you know what to expect, you can plan much better for whatever you do. ADHD kids with plenty of support will be fun and fine. (I raised both of mine without their fathers, which made life much harder.) But ADHD fathers can be a blast. And remember, life doesn't have to be perfect to be rewarding and knowledge is power!

Thanks for your post I feel like I am not alone...

I logged in to this site after a huge fight with my ADD boyfriend. I burst into tears after reading these posts.
Quoting  lynnie70 “Well, in my case, I believe my DH had a picture in his mind of what kind of woman he wanted, and I must have fit some of the criteria. He put me on the pedestal in his mind and almost worshipped me, as I was going to be the final woman of his dreams. When we married and he began to realize I had a personality that differed sometimes from his "wonder woman", he became angry and tried to manipulate me back into line with his dream. I never felt he wanted to know the real me -- he didn't want to listen to my experiences, my childhood, my dreams. He only wanted me to fall in line. And when I did, he was happy. When I didn't, he was angry.” That is EXACTLY what I am feeling but none of my girlfriends understand. By the time we met, I got “checked” in every box on his checklist for his partner – long hair, skinny, same hobbies, my job nature, even my ethnicity. He wants me to be what he wants. We do things together meaning I need to follow to do what he wants. I feel like going to military camp to fulfill his missions. Things he needs my help meaning I need to accomplish. I know he chose me because I am kind. He knows he is abusing my kindness but he can’t help. He never wants a strong woman because he wants a kind hearted (ie weak) woman to be instructed by him.


Yet, I love him. I do love him very very much. I don’t think I can fall in love again with someone else. He surprises me occasionally (when he is in good mood), he is always be honest with me (perhaps because he is blunt) His intelligence attracts me a lot, he shows me interesting stuff and give me advice in my career. He is passionate about me in front of my friends. His parents know his ADD and keep supporting me to distinguish his ADD behavior from his real him. I know he suffered from his condition and deserve someone who loves him and understand him. He thinks ADD is like a "disabled like a weaker leg" I can expect him to run as fast as everyone else and he can't fix it but cope with it. 

I love him, I understand him (we do pricey/professional counseling together), however as the previous post – I got emotionally destroyed by his anger sometimes. I am the one who apologise to him from time to time because I think our relationship worth more than who is right or wrong. Yet my needs for attention cause his angry and he believes I drag his energy. He needs times alone means complete shutdown to recover stress. He told me he wants to see me less but it doesn’t mean he will love me less he has my trust however there is time I need him to be there for me and he is gone missing. I know I am a bit emotional sometimes (I cried a lot) so he avoid seeing me than upsetting me. He rather sees me when he is “happy and energetic”.


Maybe it sounds stupid but I always tell myself, the only solution is love. I try to show my love and understanding all the time hoping he will improve. Also I am working on being emotionally strong enough to handle his behavior. In the meantime, I do suffer a lot… Of course I can find a normal/stable partner, but no one can give me the happiness he would ever give me because of his intelligence and ADD nature of doing things spontaneously. But I am fearful that I might marry a wrong person in the end, having ADHD kids which I might end up in depression and guilty for my decision. I am struggling every day.

MagicSandwich's picture

"He knows he is abusing my

"He knows he is abusing my kindness but he can’t help."  Yes he CAN help it. And so can you.  Please stop with this drama about your weak female roll in his life. Get a backbone.  

 

Absolutely

First, I love the name Magic Sandwich.  Second, I completely agree.  I have, and probably will in the future take advantage of my husbands kindness.  But I can help it by staying on my meds, learning tools to cope with life, and admitting when I'm wrong.  Every woman has a backbone...she just has to use its.  And love is the answer,  she has to love herself and appreciate what God has given HER.  That is not being selfish.

MagicSandwich's picture

Maybe I went a little overboard

Hello! 
Maybe I went a little overboard with the backbone comment.  More and more I am facing the reality that we get one shot at this thing called life. Just one. I'm starting to feel bewildered reading more and more descriptions of people suffering from chronic verbal/emotional abuse and ruin from neglectful, sexually duplicitous and financially dishonest spouses. The whole “ADHD or not ADHD” question becomes lost in wave after wave after described misery.  These sufferers crowdsource the blog asking for help to increase their fortitude rather than assistance in ending the abuse. 

It makes no sense. When I got hit in the thigh with a softball last summer I didn’t search the web looking for ways to endure the pain when my team-mates punched me on my bruise in the weeks afterward. Why? Because they would NEVER do that to me.  The whack from the softball was a mistake and my team helped me focus on recovery.  The coach would have benched anybody who dared punch me on that bruise, even if it were done in jest.

Anyway, thanks for your reply and the many insightful comments here NDBA. 

Cheers, 

Magic

Would love to help

Hi Magic.  It is nice to get a guys input.  Sometimes us woman get stronger by venting to each other and realizing we are not alone.  Just curious though, why are you on the blog?  Or maybe I should ask what type of information are you looking for?  Love to help.  --not defined

Softball analogy

Hi Magic -- I too enjoy your honesty. Maybe we can carry this analogy a little further to see why people stay. OK, you got hit by the softball. You already knew you could get hit and decided it was worth the risk because the fun of the game outweighed the chance of injury. But what if you were playing Nerfball and got hit and bruised? The Nerfball just suddenly turned hard and fast? Or, what if, after playing 6 months and having a blast, you got hit every other time; how many times would it take before you decided that the game wasn't fun any more? How long would you say that it was just a fluke -- that surely the NEXT time you would enjoy the game and not get kee-bonkered! I think that's why some people stay. The game was a lot of fun when it started, and sometimes it's still fun. Surely this odd behavior must be a fluke! Or maybe if I get a helmet!

Desperatesoul,

"DONT" have kids with him,do as lynnie stated and go on birth control pills.I am married to an ADHD man who has exact symptoms as your husband has,He has two kids of whom he abandoned,the women he had these two kids for left him because of the ADHD outburst and tantrums,mood swings,they never knew what he had/ has ADHD to date because they never investigated the matter. I too am married to him a year now and it was also a hurried marriage,we got married after one month of dating and during this month of caught ship symptoms accrued,but I was to distracted with " LOVE" that I did not realized the trouble I was getting my self in to .He admitted to me that when his first kid was born,he felt "left" out, that "SHE"was only studying the kid,and only paying attention to the "BABY" and not him,he is "crazy"anyone that thinks like that is "crazy" ADHD" is" a mental problem it has to do alot with the off balance in the brain's function,and only medications, and" alot "of therapy could bring back the funtion,but they must want to make that "CHANGE"else it would not work,.I am writing this to you and I am shivering,my hands are cold and my knees are weak."PLEASE" don't have kids with this man, you would regret it judging from what you stated, he is no different from my husband.He left his children,,,,,,,,,,,,
"abandoned them" because he felt neglected,and also he ran from child support."NEGLECTED"That's like mind blowing to hear him say that,because "KIDS" need more attention than us adults,for some reason he thinks ""HE"is the kid and the kid needs no caring for."NONSENSE"He is very selfish because he brought that same nasty behavior around my kids,but!!I never allowed it and up to this day!he wants me for himself "ONLY" be careful think about what you are doing..."PLEASE"

your nickname tells me a lot.

lovehurtsalotwithanger, your nickname tells me a lot about what you are going through. I feel the pain for you.

I just cannot help but wonder, why do AHDH men tend to rush to marriage? Is that because they are hiding their true color until they get into a safe commitment? I know my husband has some softness in his heart, so he will try to be responsible for his kids. However, I am afraid that all the practical responsibility (changing diapers, feeding them, taking them to school and activities, checking their homework, etc) will be coming in my hands because, as he always says, my work is more flexible and less demanding than his. Unless he quits his job and stays home, this excuse will be used for every responsibility that he passes on to me. 

I know that he relies on me a lot, but I feel burdened. I need a shoulder to rely on too. I need a husband that I can trust when I am in need. Unless I can confidently say I trust him and I can rely on him for everything, my doubt about our marriage will always continue..

Rush (Pun intended)

Rushing into marriage, and I can only speak for myself, seemed like my only strategy because it took so much focus the get my DW to go out with me in the first place. I've always felt that I was never as good as what I got people to believe, the fear of being discovered as not that smart, not that nice, not that good of a friend. I've always felt like I had to sort of fake the display of my emotions because they were misread so often and now I had the woman of my dreams interested in me and if I did not close the deal quickly I would mess things up and lose her. 

As for responsibility with the kids, I had NO idea how I would be. I knew that I wanted kids, but I admit I was scared because I knew Nothing about them. The second DD#1 was here, I just jumped in feet first and have never avoided any of the parental duties. I did the late night feedings, diapers, baths, school field trips, doctors appointments and Live to help with Homework, especially science, math, music and history. My DW and I both have demanding jobs and have split duties according to who could was the least affected at the time. 

Things are not always 50/50 for us, but it is usually pretty fair. My ADD was not diagnosed until I was 43 and we had been married for 13 years. I used to be pretty oblivious to things around me, but I always tried to help. Things have improved since my diagnosis, but it has taken a while for the roller coaster to level off. The ADDer has to do the work, plain and simple to help correct the issues the ADD has caused. 

Thank you, YYZ

Thank you for your reply explaining the "rush into marriage". It is so great to see that you are clearly aware of your thoughts and behaviors. I wish my husband could also admit how his ADD is impacting our life and do the work on his part instead of blaming me for not being a forgiving and supportive wife..

Thanks

I've learned a lot in the last three years and it has probably saved my marriage. I hope your husband comes around for you. It's not an easy thing to learn of so many destructive behaviors, but a relief to know there is an explanation for the way my brain worked. My DW's anger seems to be improving, so I believe the trust is coming back and I'm pretty optimistic for the first time in a while.

Anger - again and again

How you do guys handle ADDer's anger and inconsistent mood? Yesterday he said he loves me but today he is angry, so angry that he doesn't want to hear from me for a week. I know he is stressful, struggling with work and family issue but I want to be there for him. He just want to kick me out and blame me for giving him more stress. He has no energy to see me or no patience for me. He even said I take advantage of him.

First, he got angry of his stuff and take his anger on me (throw things, scream..) and I got angry so he can say my anger takes up his patient, energy, attention. So he just wants me to be out of his way. It hurts a lot as I love him a lot.... I apologized everytime because I really want him to be happy... He is absolutely a good person, caring (only when he is in good mood). I am a troublesome person sometimes, like emotionally instable when PMS... he just want to avoid me instead helping me. Despite this, I am the one who is being lable as selfish who incurred more stress for him... 

I really want to make us work and I've done everything I can... 

 

 

It is over now.

My ADHD husband tells me today that our marriage won't work and we should end it now. He says, we have such DIFFERENT perspectives, and he does not want to be with someone who doesn't feel satisfied about him. Just like that!?!!?!?! Where does he think this "dissatisfaction" come from? Did he try to address that issue before? Even though he knew about his ADHD, he didn't start taking meds until a few months ago (which did not seem to help his anger outburst anyway) despite all of my agony and pain from our marriage..

And where is his apology about what he has done to me and to our marriage? He is pointing a figure at me and making me feel guilty that I should have been more generous and forgiving. If he EVER sincerely acknowledged the pain and disconnection he has created in our marriage, I would have tried to restore my feelings for him. But he NEVER admitted that, and he NEVER tried to understand what I must have gone through. It always all comes down to me -- I should have forgiven his (consistent) mistakes. I should have been an embracing wife.

His family (who all knew about his illness) are all on his side. He has described me as a "emotionless robot, or a b*tch" to them. Of course he omits the explanation why I have became that way. His sister tells me that I should have been more patient and forgiving to him. Did she ever live with a husband with ADHD?!?! -- in fact her husband is quite the opposite. How dare she comments like that when she has no idea how her brother is treating me? Does she know that ADHD husband is not the same as ADHD brother? 

I am so DONE. In a way he is making my decision easier. It is very clear that even if I put in my next 40 years taking care him and saving our marriage, he would never appreciate my pain and efforts. Simple as that.

Please tell me that it is NOT me who failed this marriage. Please tell me it is NOT my high expectation and nagging that failed us. Please tell me the outcome would have been the same even if I was a saint. 

No matter what, I am very SAD and depressed that my marriage has failed. 

 

Is it over now?

I read your posting earlier today on my phone but I've been unable to reply until now.  I hope you are okay.  I don't know anything about you or your husband so I can't tell you why your marriage has "failed".  I can only offer to you that you are not alone with these questions.  My husband of almost 15 years now continues to struggle with MY ADHD.  I have walked out on him and have threatened to leave so many times I can't even count them.  Who knows why, I guess that is not important.  The important thing for YOU to know is that my leaving and threatening never really has anything to do with him.  On the surface it does but not deep within me.  See, I have a difficult time accepting that, at times, I am not in control of myself.  It is very scary and the only way I know how to handle it is to leave.  Sometimes the thought of leaving takes weeks to build up.  Sometimes only moments.  We are heavily invested in our marriage after 15 years, two children, and a mortgage.  I'm sure if you could confidentially ask my husband if he would marry me again, he would say no.  After this much time, I have learned more about myself and know that the right thing to do is apologize to him and let him know how gracious I am that he continues to be with me in this struggle.  But, I was not like that when we first got married.   In fact, we waited 10 years to have children, partly because of school but partly because we didn't connect on so many levels.  Sometimes our arguments would be over who was meaner.  

My family only knows my husband in the light in which I paint him.  He doesn't have a chance with my family if we were to split.  They are MY family and MY safe haven and they see me in my most emotionally charged moments when everything in my head is 20 times worse that what it actually is.  In between fights, I spend most of my time trying to convince my family how wonderful my husband is.  So, don't sweat his family.  They will always be HIS family.

You've been through most of your day now.  Maybe out having a few drinks thinking that it might help make sense of your situation.  I'm wondering if he has made a 180 degree turn yet and asking that you take him back.  (We ADHDers have a hard time deciding what we want).  Whatever has occurred, it will probably never make sense to you. 

Remember, you should not feel guilty about wanting a normal, happy, healthy relationship.  But, I am sad for you because I see how much my husband hurts.  The one thing that keeps him going, I think, is that he tries to stay true to himself. 

God Bless You Both.

DesperateSoul,

I am sorry to hear that things did not work out for you and your husband,and"NO"!!! you did not fail in your marriage, because without him and you it won't be a marriage,it takes two people to make a marriage.My husband and I separated for a week and got back together,and believe me if I tell you how confuse he have me right now,he was the most sweetest man ever before this weekend,and that have me scared because I know that any minute now he would go back to the usual,complaining and stupidness as usual, and just this morning when we got up, he  did not even brush his teeth as yet but already started on complaining for me to pack his clothes in the dresser.I did it! without even talking back to him, because I know it's that mental problem and that is the only reason why I would do it,he is always fighting me down for attention and I am sick of it,but,I love him and he did said to me over the weekend that he is willing to go and get help for his problem,and just the fact that he evens acknowledges the fact that he has a problem, is a big plus for not only him but for" us" and it gives my marriage lots of hope..Don't worry give him some time he will come around..

 

 

I'm so glad you made some progress

lovehurts...I've been reading your posts for the last week or two and I'm so glad to hear that you stood your ground.  Continue to be a strong woman.  He loves you for that and he married you for that.  Hold him to his promises and know that if he can't be in control you will be.  

God will carry you through it and when you just don't know what to say to him anymore, let the holy spirit speak it for you.  I know that sounds like a lot of religious bunk but I truly believe it.

It is NOT you who failed.

"Please tell me that it is NOT me who failed this marriage. Please tell me it is NOT my high expectation and nagging that failed us. Please tell me the outcome would have been the same even if I was a saint."

I have not been on the site for a very, very long time and this is the first post I saw.  I have been married for almost 15 years. I went to counseling for over 13 years to bring my best to the marriage. I tried to put the fault on me and thought I wasn't trying hard enough. I thought I wasn't forgiving enough. I knew I had my issues before we got married and I didn't want them to mess up my relationship.  I worked on me, I tried to look up to him, I tried to trust in him, I tried to be there and build him up. I had two children with him. I struggled with how everything was my fault.   After a while, his family saw me unhappy and would reach out to me when they saw I was broken.  Their advice was for me to try harder and to just "hug him". (I appreciate the "hostile" you get from is family - I could write a book about that too - they are HARD people to be around)  I tried as hard as I could to "pick my battles".  

Before my wedding day... all I heard from everyone that knew him was "you are a saint!"  Our getting married was very quick too.  I moved from the west coast to the east coast... so I have NO support here... I have no outlet...  Even My FAMILY doesn't get it either.  NO ONE understands the total frustration.  No one understands how I am still arguing about the same things we argued about when we were first married.  NO ONE.  I mean, it seems like he doesn't learn from his mistakes - most people make a mistake, learn from it and move forward.  It doesn't seem to work that way.  It's the same, same, same stuff all the time.  I totally understand where you feel alone.  I can't talk to my friends.. I sound like a raving "bit*&".  Everyone loves him and see's me as the problem.  When I try to talk about a problem, I sound ridiculous.

I have listened to him tell me how horrible his life is with me (I have said the same).  I have listened to him pop off at how I can't meet his needs and how I am supposed to somehow be better than I am.  I have been ignored.  I was second to his female bff for 10 years.  10 years!!  I finally said the kids and I have to come first or we are done.  That was finally taken care of, but she is still in the picture because she is married to his brother.  I had to say "we are done if you don't fix this" about everything... EVERYTHING... (he was incapable of deciding whether or not to go to a football game or go to the hospital for our child!) Everything is a knock down drag out battle to get what I need and to get what my children need.  Everything is a constant battle. 

Last summer I was exhausted and done.  I was finished with having the same argument over and over and over.  I was finished with his drinking - which brought EXPLOSIVE arguments.  I was finished with him expecting me to "fix" him.  I was finished with "forgiving" every little thing.  I was tired of him just basically breathing.  I ranted and ranted on this website and was so angry. 

I see your frustration after 1 year... I really, really would think about what you can handle... and what you think he is willing to accept about himself and his part that he plays in your relationship.  There is NO way this will work unless HE accepts that he has work to do.   My DH knew he was ADHD for 10 years!! He acknowledged it and considered taking the pills "his part" of the solution.

After this past summer and my complete breakdown from all of the frustration...I clearly had no energy to go forward.  I had no energy to work on anything anymore.  All the teeny tiny little things along with the huge, monstrous frustrations finally brought it all to a point where it was hard to get out of bed everyday.  It was hard to take care of me let alone, take care of my children.  I couldn't bear to be in the same room with him.  I couldn't bear to look at him.  the last thing I wanted was to be married to him anymore.

This past January, his work had a week long Tony Robbins Seminar and somewhere deep inside him, he figured out that he had some serious work to do.  He is now going to counseling again - monthly or bi-weekly (I really dont 'know).. (he started last summer in July - but quickly gave up after a few months).  He stopped drinking.  he is trying everything to keep this family together, but still doesn't realize that he has made life really hard on me for the last 15 years.  He 'expects' that since he is doing all of this that I should just forget it all and tear down all my walls and start fresh... 

The one thing I have learned is that his world is clearly "NOW & NOT NOW".   If he is happy and working on things NOW - then he in incapable of remembering or acknowledging yesterday, let alone, a year ago.  It is in this NOW thinking that I feel invalidated... and you will feel this way - a lot.  He is handicapped in a way that makes it almost impossible for him to ever understand the "hard" I have endured.  He will never, ever truly get it or appreciate it.  He is incapable of understanding because "things are great NOW" that things were ever bad. It's like there is no yesterday.  If there isn't any friction "NOW" then, his natural response is "what's your problem?"

If you can deal with a similar experience, then fight for your marriage.  But, also be aware, your child or children have a 50% chance of a struggle with adhd too.  I absolutely see it in my children... 

You are NOT solely to blame.  You are NOT the failure of your marriage.  YOU are NOT a bad person.  It's hard and it will NEVER be easy... especially if he so reluctant to see what is happening now.. and most especially if he has the support of his family...  

my heart goes out to you.

pj

Saint

PJ, So many people (mutual friends but also his family) have called me a saint. They say, "I don't know how you do it, you're a saint." I'm so tired of it. I want people to look at me and tell me how lucky I am; I want to feel like the luckiest person in the world. Isn't that how people who are happily married feel? Like the coolest person in the world has someone chosen you--that's what I want. Not perfection (that would be boring), but a sense that my partner understands me, truly gets me, that I have a partner in every sense of the word.

I don't talk to my friends about our issues anymore--there was one big incident last summer that involved our friends, and after that, I think people were kind of shocked that I stayed with DH (some felt like it should have been the final straw), so I just feel like I don't have a sympathetic ear anymore with my friends. I know they care about me, it's not that--it's just that I don't want to complain b/c they'll just say "you don't have to put up with this, you CAN leave." And my family loves him b/c I let them see only what I want them to see of him.

"No one understands how I am still arguing about the same things we argued about when we were first married.  NO ONE.  I mean, it seems like he doesn't learn from his mistakes - most people make a mistake, learn from it and move forward.  It doesn't seem to work that way.  It's the same, same, same stuff all the time." OMG, same here! My counselor actually brought this to my attention--that the things I need from him now are the very things I asked for in our first session of marriage counseling more than 2 years ago (DH stopped coming, so she's my counselor now). And the worst part is that, if you asked my DH, he would say that he's done everything I've asked him to do, that's he's really made an effort...but doing something once doesn't count. Going through the motions when I'm around, but completely disregarding everything I say when I'm not around...these things don't equal making an effort.

And the NOW, NOT NOW thing--we're in the same spot. He doesn't even remember most of what he's put me through, so he can't see how I'm still trying to work through the hurt and pain he's caused me. Not long ago, we talked about his drinking (a major source of our recent trouble and the incident last summer), and I explained that when he drinks, it immediately brings back everything I felt through all of the previous incidents. He asked, "what incidents?" and I listed them. When I was finished, he sat back and said "I actually forgot about all of that." So in that moment, it felt like he understood...but of course, as soon as that moment passed, it became "not now" so the understanding vanished. And the thing is that I don't want a medal--I don't want him to remember the bad from our past so that he feels bad or like he needs to make it up to me--I want him to remember the bad so that he never repeats it.

It's difficult b/c I can't bring up any of our issues when things are already bad b/c it will only make it worse, but i can't try to discuss our issues when things are going well either b/c he accuses me of trying to bring us down, trying to ruin a good time with negative talk. It's a catch 22.

We've been married a little over 4 years, together 7. If he continues in this way, not willing to do anything more b/c he's already done it all, I just can't see us making it, especially not to 15. Not sure how you've done it :)

Of course it is not your

Of course it is not your fault. Interesting enough, it appears that most ADHDers find relief in blaming ANYONE but themselves. It must be someone else's fault for their failure. And who is the closest to them? The spouse. It is the spouse who is there when the failure happens, so if it is not the ADHDer himself, it must be the spouse! 

It is so easy to see it as an outsider, it is so easy to understand what you are going through, yet I deal with the same doubt: I am doubting myself, my decisions, every step that I am taking, every word that I say. "Was I too hard on him?" or "Should I have done things differently?"

I was recently talking to my father on the phone and he was complaining that he could not find some paperwork and he was blaming himself for not remembering where he put it. And my response to it was "Don't worry, you'll find it, it's not your fault, it happens". So see? I have the patience, I can be nice, I can be a saint, and I am sure so can you.

The difference is that my dad can take the blame, when it is his. My husband on the other side, when he misplaces something (which only happens 20 times a day) would come to me and ask me "where did you put the papers?" Of course I am running out of patience, of niceness. And so do you. So would anyone.

I think you are lucky. You are at the beginning of the end of your pain. I am not saying it will be easy, you will miss him, you will suffer, but in the end, you will be fine.

And all I wish him is a woman that is better than me, than you, better than a saint, cos that's what those men need. But I have a feeling that he won't find that. Because we all have our problems, we all make mistakes, and by all means, we are no saints. And that is OK. 

I do not blame them for what they are, I feel sorry for them. But that doesn't mean that we should let them mentally ruin us.  

Do not blame his family for being on his side - that's what families are there for. i would expect my parents to be on my side no matter what. That's what parents should do. He needs them now, and they are there for him. And you are the bed guy, you are to blame, it is easier for them to blame you than blame their own son. You do not need them. You have us here - we know what you are going through, we know you are not to blame. You have to learn to know that as well. And learn to forgive yourself. For all the bed words that you said (trust me, we all do), for flipping out (it is only human), for being selfish at times (that is necessary in order to protect yourself).

I hope you get through it quickly, and in the end, i truly believe you will be a happier person.

 

A woman better than me....?

JulieGreen - you said "And all I wish him is a woman that is better than me, than you, better than a saint, cos that's what those men need. But I have a feeling that he won't find that. Because we all have our problems, we all make mistakes, and by all means, we are no saints. And that is OK.  I do not blame them for what they are, I feel sorry for them. But that doesn't mean that we should let them mentally ruin us." -

Wow i get that - i feel pathetic sometimes that i feel sorry for him - like i'm having a codependent moment.  I really feel sorry - because they do not know what they have lost - and when they realize it, it will be too late.  They will not find a woman better than us - they will not.  Why?  Because we are here looking for answers willing to put in the work and the effort FOR THEM AND US.  They have their patterns and they will repeat them until they do something about their ADHD.  They can't see beyond their blame for the ADHD hand they were dealt.  How dare my ex say "there's too much to be able to get over"??  Pardon me, but give me a break.  Let him be stuck in the victimization role that he "can't forgive".   He can live like that, but i can't.     Relationships have gone through much, much worse than ADHD-but it takes two.  Let's take solace that we were the ones to try to work it out, to try to help, to try to love.   I know in my heart that I did everything I could do - that helps me.  But yes, I feel sorry for them.  It's very sad.

consolation

Dear DS,

Of course you are sad--it is your marriage. Allow yourself to mourn. But don't blame yourself, of course this is not your fault. I find it a common coping mechanism my DH has, to blame shift and deflect. He doesn't take criticism very well, even constructive suggestions or questions most of the time. I mention that he is very loud in the middle of the night, and waking me up, and the response is, "it's your hormones," or "I didn't KNOW that slamming the front door repeatedly at 3 a.m. would wake you up!" And with our marital issues, it is, "ADHD just means that my brain works differently, but the problem is you--you are so angry all the time. You are an angry person. You are not a happy person." 

Try not to take his parents or family to heart. They are the last ones who will want to see your point of view--he is their family, right? 

You get the drift. Please just take good care of yourself. I bet you anything that after you mourn, and move on, and take care of yourself (possibly find a good counselor?) you will feel relieved. I hope so. You deserve a good life. 

Thank you all..

All of your kind and warm supportive comments brought me into tears.. who would have imagined that I would get these most sincere supports from complete strangers online? (well, I guess we are not really strangers in the sense that we are going through the same difficulties..). Thank you, thank you, and thank you. 

I am having another emotional turmoil tonight after a lengthy conversation with my husband. I can't believe even with your strong advices that "they will never change no matter what you do", I was falling back into the trap of his "I will change" appeal. Tonight, for the first time in our marriage, he seemed to understand and acknowledge my painful trauma from my point of view. He said that he cannot really think of ending our marriage and he just cannot do it...

Seeing him genuinely opening up to me, I momentarily wanted to reset our past memories and try it again. However, remembering numerous mistakes that I made in believing what he said as what he would actually do, I held myself back firmly and did not give him the answer he wanted. Instead, I told him that I cannot simply trust him because he is so easily forgetful of his promises and that he would forget his understanding at the moment in 2 weeks, or even in 2 hours. 

and..

Of course, in less than 1 hour, he forgets everything and says -- he thinks that his dissatisfaction in our marriage (due to conflict with me) is the CAUSE of his anger. Hello?!?! Excuse me?!!?! No no no, your dissatisfaction in our marriage is the RESULT of your anger!!! and when I try to correct him he became super defensive (as usual) and said that he feels upset that I act like a scientist observing and analyzing him as a subject. Again and again, it is so true that he will not learn his lessons from mistakes and move forward. I will need to hear his illogical theory over and over for life.

He has problems at work where he tends to focus on minute detail so much or cannot move on to next task -- and he believes he has OCD. I told him what I read about frequent comorbid disorders like depression or OCD to ADHD. His response is that his work problem is ONLY from OCD, since he has NO processing or executing issues as seen in ADHD. Here, another denial.. when every symptoms I observe indicates that he has ADHD. (and he IS diagnosed with ADHD) Then, why is he even taking meds for ADHD? I am just trying to help him with what I know, in case he tries to find the cure for his work issue only in OCD! He does not like that I am studying more of ADHD and finding more reasons to believe that he has an ADHD. Can't he think that my knowledge can help him cope with this better?

Enough is enough. I really hoped that I could trust his words. but I thank him for reassuring my belief (that he will not change) in such a short time. 

  

 

Have you purchased the book yet?

Melissa Orlov's book helped to open my dh's eyes to see that the "blame" wasn't on either of us.. that it IS the adhd... and it speaks so very eloquently from EACH person's point of view.    This could help him.  Even though he is in true defensive mode, this will break down THAT wall...  he may see...  If you already have the book or if he has already read it, then sorry to bring it up. 

MagicSandwich's picture

Emotional manipulators are

Emotional manipulators are excellent guilt mongers, ADHD or not.  By putting the "failure" of the marriage all on you, he is creating superiority over you. He is refusing to accept responsibility for his own actions. He is robbing you of the truth. 
Don't give him the satisfaction. Kick him to the curb!

Your posting, and all the other cries for help!

Hello Desperate, and everyone else who is reaching out in pain and confusion,

That includes me.  This is going to be a long one, bear with me please.  You will see other posts in other forums on this site by me, actually just one I think, a huge one.  I have dedicated all of my spare time and part of my not so spare time to trying to find a solution.....please read carefully....

I have been together with him for 4 1/2 years.  I had no clue to as to anything.  I knew his father beat all the boys daily, I knew his father had anger issues and poured a pot of boiling water on his brother who has cerebral palsy, I knew his father cheated with hookers on his beautiful wife and mother of his 7 children, I knew his father decided at age 40 that he was "too tired to work anymore" so he stopped and his wife began cleaning houses to pay the mortgage and feed and clothe her family, she was too trapped to leave with 7 children according to her, you stayed together and made it work.

Two months ago, while talking to his Mom, she made a statement about her deceased husband AND I QUOTE " I THAN THE LORD MY HUSBAND DIED YOUNG ENOUGH TO LEAVE ME WITH SOME LIFE TO LIVE."

THAT SPOKE VOLUMES TO ME, FOR HE SUFFERED FROM THE SAME DISORDER.

Now, here is the nitty gritty, I am NOT married to this 48 year old man.  I diagnosed him with thyroid disease four years ago, took him to the doctor, the surgeon for his sono, got him on meds, diagnosed him with ulcerative colitis and GERD, made appointment with gastro and took him for his colonoscopy/endoscopy, got him meds, helped him heal, altered his eating, altered his drinking habits of soda, beer, anything carbonated, got him to stop bleeding from both ends, BUT I COULD NOT ALTER HIS MIND.

He is brilliant and a truly talented and creative man in his field.  He works for himself (I now understand why, direction cannot be taken from ANYONE except himself.)  I kept wondering why for someone so intelligent in so many ways, excuse this please, HOW COULD HE HAVE NO COMMON SENSE, HOW COULD HE DO SUCH STUPID THINGS, HOW COULD HE SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS AT THE WRONG TIMES IN THE WRONG PLACES?  It started to get so bad that I would have an anxiety attack when I had to have a family dinner with my grown sons or my sister.  Easter Sunday he and I went for dinner in a very crowded restaurant.  I saw a friend of a friend there with her family who I have not seen in years so I excused myself,  got up and waded through the masses of people to say a quick hello.  Next thing I knew, there he was extending his hand and out loud states "hello, I'm ******, I'm her FLAVOR OF THE MONTH!"  DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS DID TO ME, I WANTED TO CRAWL UNDER THE TABLE, BUT NOT BEFORE BEATING THE LIVING SENSE INTO HIM.  Ah, but it would be to no avail....they do not process the way a normal brain processes........

Where do I begin, constant lateness, constant excuses, constant lies, constant promises to stop telling lies, internet porn addiction that led to more lies and swearing on his sons life that he had stopped while I had in the trunk of my car a folder of printouts from 365 websites showing quite the contrary.  Sooooo, if he swore on his precious son's life, WHAT WOULD HE DO TO ME?

Now, his son is 10 years old, and guess what, has been on meds for three years for ADD and ODD, they go hand in hand, oppositional defiance disorder.  When his children come to visit at my house, panic sets into my entire body the moment the arrive.  His son is EXACTLY LIKE HIM IN A SMALLER VERSION, anything I ask, he defiantly questions "WHY."  Take your shoes off please before coming in onto the wood floors, "WHY?"  Going to breakfast and seeing a 10 year old open  salt shaker onto a diner table and lick three fingers and then press them onto the pile of salt and lick his fingers, when asked nicely not to do that as it is not proper behavior "WHY?"  A father that says, "HE LIES SALT."  A child who has stolen form his own mother while walking up the path to pay the babysitter and pockets $20 of the $60, took $100 out of his uncle's wallet while on vacation and ran to the gameroom and cashed it in for quarters, a child who two years ago while on that same vacation killed two baby birds with sticks.....and a father who thinks nothing of any of it, "IN THE PERFECT IMAGE OF HIS FATHER."  To state that there is a problem, would be admitting he has one as well.........and oh, any correction I make towards either of them is not a correction, but "WHY ARE YOU CONSTANTLY CRITICIZING ME?"  ADHD sufferers cannot tolerate any correction.

When my partner is here, nothing of mine is my own, not a razor, not a shampoo, not a bar of soap, NOTHING.  He will use, eat, drink, touch, consume, ruin, break, never replace, never apologize, EVERYTHING THAT MEANS SOMETHING TO ME MEANS NOTHING TO HIM.  I
 take care of everything I own, I lost my entire life in my divorce, I have lived on a shoestring budget, and ever bar of antibacterial soap that he melts into nothing by taking a 45 minute bath in ALL MY HOT WATER means melting the bar.  Has he ever even offered to replace, no.  He has no car, just trucks for work, anyplace we go, alone or with his children we use my car.  I had to put new tires on, did he offer to pay for half of the $500 it just cost me, no.  Does he pay for the oil changes and maintenance, nooooooo, HE DOES NO MAINTENANCE ON HIS VEHICLES, and only buys what is 8 years old and older and fills them with old food, wrappers, spilled slurpees, and drinks, disgusting, that he could live like a pig.  

I have to check that my fridge door and freezer doors are closed when he is here, I have to get out of bed if I forget, as chances are, they aren't.  Last 4th of July he was here for the weekend and we stopped at his apartment for him to pick something up.  His freezer door was not closed, the place stunk like garbage from the rotting food, the melted bad ice cream was dripping out of the freezer all over the floor and his only response was " I DON'T KNOW HOW THAT HAPPENED, I DIDN'T DO IT."

He lives like a slob, clothes all over the place, piles of dirty mixed with clean that he just pulls from.  But as long as he is squinting in the mirror in amazement of himself he feels wonderful.  Can I tell you how I endure him looking at females behinds as they walked past us, for years, or how a woman at the beach would roll over to lay on her stomach to tan her back and he would conveniently put his sunglasses on to stare and catch a peek at her breasts, fat, thin, young,  ancient, it did not matter, he has a sickness.

Yet, I endured, I endured because after pondering and reading and going to therapy, I have figured out that if I fail in fixing him, I will view it as my own failure, NOT ANYMORE, I AM HERE TO TELL YOU THAT, NOT ANYMORE.   I have no magical powers, I am just a human being living life normally and if I am going to have a partner, it is going to be someone who is able to participate at least CLOSE to the same way I do.  No two people are alike, I understand that and all I hear form him is CELEBRATE THE DIFFERENCES!  I am not against that, but listen to the next set of differences:

In January, we were in a hotel on the 20th floor, he was out in the hallway I was still in the room.  I walked towards the door to meet him in the hallway and smelled cigarette smoke and I IMMEDIATELY KNEW AND STARTED SCREAMING "ARE YOU SMOKING, DON'T YOU KNOW THERE ARE ALL NON SMOKING BUILDINGS EXCEPT IF YOU HAVE A SMOKING ROOM?"  I GOT TO THE ELEVATOR AND I SEE NO CIGARETTE IN HIS HAND AND I SCREAM WHAT THE F*** DID YOU DO WITH THE CIGARETTE, REPEATEDLY AS HE GLARED AT ME WITH THAT EMPTY GAZE OF WHAT LIE CAN HE MAKE UP FAST.  HE THEN STATED HE THREW IT AWAY, AND IS ASKED WHERE, THERE ARE NO ASH TRAYS AT THE ELEVATOR.  I SCREAMED " DID YOU THROW IT DOWN THE ELEVATOR SHAFT" AND HE SAID YES, BUT HE SAID IT WAS OUT, I SAID HOW, HE SAID HE PUT IT OUT ON HIS TONGUE, I SAID YOU f****** LIAR, YOU WOULD HAVE A SECOND DEGREE BURN IF YOU HAD DONE THAT, YOU THREW A LIT CIGARETTE DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT, WHAT ARE YOU, CRAZY?  DO YOU KNOW HOW AFRAID I WAS TO GO TO SLEEP THAT NIGHT IN THAT HOTEL WONDERING AT WHAT POINT A SMOLDERING CIGARETTE WOULD CATCH FIRE WITH WIRES?  OMG PEOPLE, I MUST BE THE CRAZY ONE, HOW CAN I POSSIBLY THINK SO LITTLE OF MYSELF, YET I HAVE NO SELF ESTEEM  ISSUES, I AM BALANCED, INTELLIGENT, RAISED TWO WONDERFUL AND EDUCATED CHILDREN NOW ALL GROWN UP AND GONE.  I AM COMPLETELY SELF SUPPORTIVE, OWN MY OWN HOME, REINVENTED MYSELF AFTER MY DIVORCE, SO IF THERE IS A PROFESSIONAL OUT THERE READING THIS, PLEASE TELL ME WHAT I AM DOING?  IS IT THAT I HAVE THREATENED SO MANY TIMES TO END THIS RELATIONSHIP THAT HE THINKS I AM A HORSES BEHIND AND THAT I AM SO CODEPENDANT ON HIM THAT I WILL NOT DO IT, IF THAT IS THE CASE, HE HAS NO IDEA WHO I AM. 

In the past two days, I have gained great strength, from where I do not know.  Possibly from the inner thought of how I have put HIS LIFE BEFORE MINE and how wrong that is.  A man that does not put the woman he loves maybe not ahead of but equal to his life is worthless.  We all know that ADHD people ooze selfishness, they can only concentrate on THEIR NEEDS AND ON THE SPOT!  That is their impulsivity and need for instant gratification.  It is like air to them and wherever they can get that gratification from they will in order to feed their own low self esteem issues.  Please remember that I am not making blanket statements, but rather explaining to you my experience for the past 1,642 days of my life that I have given and given and given and I feel cheated and robbed of that time and no one can give it back to me.  

I have learned that each of us has a sense of purpose. I have also realized that I cannot FIX him.  This is not like going to the Principal and complaining about a teacher that has wronged my child in school, it should only be that easy.  This is a million times worse, why you ask, because I have had great love for him, and that is what has kept me in this relationship.  I do not give up, I am relentless, I have spent countless hours, days, months, years, trying to speak, in analogies to get him to understand, and each conversation he would state how right I was.  DAMN HIM, I WAS NOT LOOKING TO BE RIGHT.  THIS IS NOT A TELEVISION GAME SHOW, THIS IS MY LIFE, I WAS SEEKING CHANGES, PERMANENT CHANGES, GRADUAL AS THEY MAY BE, BUT CHANGES.  Changes so I could hold onto a future with him, so we could continue to create wonderful memories. 

He couldn't do it. He likes who he is.  He rescues every person he comes in contact with who is in trouble so he can feel worthy, and it is at his expense (he is not financially able to do this) but this is his self esteem issue.  Those beneath him can look up to him, how far up.......................

Was I not worth it, I will never ask that, who would ask that and leave themselves open for a response the would not wish to hear, nor will I let him devalue my self esteem.  This is HIS ISSUE, NOT MINE, this is on his side of the fence.

I could go on and on and frankly, I wish we were all sitting in a room together sharing our mutual hurt verbally.  It would feel much better to do so, but I am still grateful to be on this site.

I never gave up, I was the Captain and I went down with my ship, my heart is broken, he is not fully gone yet but I gave him two weeks to take the things he has stored at my home away.  I hope and pray to keep strong and I repeat the Serenity Prayer about 10 times per hour, because I do HAVE THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE....

Once last thought please, if I may....ADHD people are not bad people, quite the contrary, he is wonderful, but only possibly three days a month in total of clarity.  I cannot live that way, looking over my shoulder, wondering what idiotic impulsive move will come next putting my life in jeopardy and repeatedly breaking my heart..........

J

 

3 Days a month...

I'm sorry for what you have gone through... Some of us can do a little better than 3 days a month, but we have to understand what we are dealing with, take our meds, get therapy and continually work on correcting years of bad coping skills.

I don't blame you for running away as fast as you can, from what you describe, I'd run too...

Hello YYZ, Let me state this,

Hello YYZ,

Let me state this, he was on meds, did better, but naturally there were still issues, but did better.  His doctor moved away and rather than pull out his insurance book and find a new doctor, he ran out of pills and just stopped them abruptly.......and therapy, yes, he was in that as well, and I even went with him when they needed me to, sacrificing my Sunday to help him, but he always poo pooed it, stating "they are all quacks."  The ADHD will never go away, the cognitive behavioral changes are taught by a doctor, but everyone is stupid according to him.  

I am not stating that all ADHD sufferers have minimal time of function ability, I would never make a blanket statement like that!  I am happy that you can do more than three days a month!  I feel the first thing is an awareness factor, and along with the meds and therapy, you have to be able to hear what is being presented to you in an open and constructive way, not shut down because you feel you are being criticized.  He shuts down.  So here are what I feel my choices are: say nothing and drown from him or state everything and have him hear blah blah, blah blah, blah blah, as more than half the time if I ask him to repeat one line of what I just stated, HE CAN'T!!!  I am wasting my breath.....oh, I know he will at some point now become a "crisis partner" as he has before stating that he will fix it all, but HE CAN'T, and another five years will come and go, then five more after that.........etc........then my life will be gone..........I'm so scared of that.

Time...

Thanks for the response, Janie12 :) I did not think you were making a blanket statement about us ADDer's. I sure don't like seeing Way Higher statistics of ADDer's who don't improve much or at all, but this does keep me vigilant in my quest to stay in front of the ADD Boulder. Now that I know how much better I feel after beginning my Adderall treatment, I could Never imagine wanting to go back into the oblivious ADD fog that I lived 43 years in.

You mention the Time lost because of ADD and boy do I know what you mean... The struggles at my house have been my DW's anger at my "Easy Out, Excuse Condition, Immediate relief with Meds, whos only side effect is Weight Loss". My DW still will not acknowledge ADD as a factor for us, other than an Excuse for me. Almost three years post diagnosis, we cannot really discuss it without it ending in an argument. She won't go to couples counseling with me either, my oldest DD was just diagnosed with ADD and DD#2 will Absolutely get the diagnosis when we take her to the psych.

So... I fear that if we don't resolve her obvious Anger over the ADD Diagnosis and move on, get out of Room Mate / Household Co-Manager status and back to a marriage. If we were to split, I will have Really lost time trying to make thing better. She says she liked the "Old Me" fine, but we were room mates for years leading to my diagnosis, I was 100 lbs over-weight, I was walking on egg shells waiting for the next Blow-up over something that I should have noticed or done. No thanks to the idea of the "Old Life" being better. My shut-downs were classic from the beginning and she would beg me to tell her she was wrong, defend my actions, communicate... Now I Can and it does not seem to be what she wanted after all. 

I SURELY don't want the last 20 years, apart from my beautiful daughters, to have been a Waste of Time. I'm scared too...

 

​​Dear YYZ, I am going to

​​Dear YYZ,

I am going to enlighten you, and once again, I can only speak for my self, but I am certain this is why ADHDers get to the point they are at in their relationships and why the non ADHD partner is filled with anger.  Believe me, I know.

I have 50-60 text messages during those times of CRISIS that state: " I WILL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO BE THE MAN YOU NEED ME TO BE," and guess what, once the crisis is over, 48 hours later HE HAS NO RECOLLECTION OF ANY OF IT.  It has become like he is mocking me, I'm his fool, let me say what she wants to hear, then boom, revert right back, and why, HE CAN'T KEEP IT IN HIS BRAIN LONG ENOUGH TO REMEMBER.  So, what we do is we protect ourselves, we go into a zone that will shield us from the hurt, the lies, the constant repetition of things that the ADHDer is not doing in spite of HOW MANY TIMES WE HAVE REPEATED OURSELVES.  We feel like we nag, nag, nag and we don't want to nag, we want to be women, treated with respect and loved, like we do our partner AND WE WANT TO BE IN A GROWN UP RELATIONSHIP!!  WHAT HUMAN CAN ENDURE THIS OVER AND OVER AND OVER WITHOUT FEELING THAT THEY ARE TALKING TO A WALL, WITHOUT FEELING THAT THEIR PARTNER IS SAYING TO THEMSELVES "HERE SHE GOES AGAIN" AND YES, HERE WE GO AGAIN, BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T DO IT THE FIRST 100 TIMES I ASKED YOU TO, OR THE FIRST 100 TIMES YOU STATED IT YOURSELF "YOU KNOW, I REALLY HAVE TO DO THIS AND THIS....NEVER DONE" THEN JUST DO IT DAMN YOU, IS WHAT I WANT TO SAY.  STOP TALKING ABOUT WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO AND DO IT.  Is any of this hitting home YYZ?  We are not cruel, we are TIRED, we lost TRUST, ADHDers say things and NEVER FOLLOW THRU, unlesssssssssssss, IT IS SOMETHING THEY REALLY WANT.............SOOOOOOOO, HOW DOES THAT MAKE US FEEL?  LIKE WE ARE UNIMPORTANT FIXTURES WHO ARE JUST HERE TO TAKE CARE OF YOU, LIKE A BABY, A TODDLER, LIKE A BABYSITTER, A LAUNDERER, A HOUSEKEEPER, A CHEF, A BODY FOR YOU TO ENGAGE WITH, IN OTHER WORDS, JUST MAKE YOUR LIVES COMFORTABLE AND GOOD AND NEVER MIND ABOUT US, WE ARE STRONG AND WE WILL ENDURE.....NO SIR, I DON'T THINK SO, NO WE CAN'T AND ESPECIALLY WHEN WE DON'T HAVE TO WE WON'T.....THERE IS A HUGE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LOVE AND BEING A SACRIFICIAL LAMB FOR SOMEONE, OH, I MAKE YOUR LIFE PERFECT AND YOU MAKE MINE A LIVING HELL?  IS THAT THE TRADEOFF, IS THAT WHAT I SIGNED ON FOR?  NO, I'M SORRY, IT IS NOT.

My partner is asking me too why I have all this anger, I want to scream!  You see, I feel another factor of his ADHD is this living in a rosey world attitude.  EVERYONE IS GOOD, EVERYONE WILL PAY HIM WHAT THEY OWE HIM FOR HIS WORK, OH NOT ON THE SPOT OF COURSE, WHEN THEY GET AROUND TO IT AND MAYBE NOT!  And it is all OKAY with him, he considers it HELPING PEOPLE!  SO, I TAKE A STEP BACK AND I SAY THANK GOODNESS MY FINANCIALS DO NOT DEPEND ON HIM!  SO I SAY, OH MY, WHAT KIND OF FOOL IS HE?  DOES HE THINK HE IS CHRIST HIMSELF?  DOES HE TRULY BELIEVE THAT THIS ALL IS SUPPOSED TO BUY HIM A FRONT ROW SEAT IN HEAVEN?  ASK YOUR NON PAYING CUSTOMERS TO SIGN YOUR CHILD SUPPORT CHECK EACH MONTH, OR YOUR RENT CHECK, OR YOUR UTILITY BILLS, OR PUT FOOD ON YOUR TABLE AND GAS IN YOUR VEHICLES.  WHAT WORLD DOES HE LIVE IN?  NOT THE ONE OF REALITY!  HE FEELS IT IS BEING MEAN, I FEEL HE IS BEING AN A**, FORGIVE ME PLEASE.

So, YYZ, I am the one who will hurt, not him.  I will hurt, he will go on as his own mother told me when she said "if it isn't you, it will be another woman, he will find one fast."  OUCH...........oh, I will also recover, everyone does.  I will treat it as a death, mourn it, and go on.  You see , I represent good, in every way.  Someone will sweep me off my feet and I will know better, I will be cautious, they will have MY BEST INTERESTS AT HEART AND I THEIRS.........THEY WILL NOT MAKE ME SUFFER AT THEIR HANDS........OR THEIR MIND, OR LOSS OF IT...........

The more I write, the more I feel that I know that for my own health this relationship must end....I must continue on my own journey and not his...................

 

 

Hitting Home...

The ADD behaviors you describe do hit home. I was horrified when I began reading about the ADD and it's affects on those around me, especially my DW. The meds help immediately and I kept reading and working on better behaviors/responses to my DW and others. Splitting the household workload has never been an issue in our house. I've always tried to split the chores and child duties. I could be oblivious to things not in the normal routine or priority of tasks, but I never expected to be waited on. 

I Totally understand the anger and have felt so much guilt for the oblivious mental awareness I had most of my life. After my diagnosis, I asked my DW if she could forgive me if I worked on and improved/corrected the old behaviors and coping skills. She said "Yes" and I did not expect immediate rewards for doing something better. I have relentlessly worked on correcting my ADD symptoms through counseling, meds and research. I am much different than I was three years ago. Everything you describe above is classic ADD, if your husband gets treatment for his ADD and these things begin to change could you forgive him? You should not be the only one hurt, he should do things to stop the hurt. His mother's comments were rude, like you are replaceable?!? 

You do deserve better treatment. I believe I am doing so for my DW. Because of what I've learned, I knew what was wrong with my teenage DD#1. I held my tough for I while, but started explaining some ADD traits that could explain our DD#1's behavior. She was in a Real Dark place, after her diagnosis she has improved dramatically. Our DD#2 (5 years younger) was easy to spot the ADD, so when she is a little older we can begin her treatment. So... If my diagnosis saves my kids from the horrible affects ADD inflicts over time, I'm happy.

I know you have been through a lot of terrible things, but at least you know what you are dealing with now. You can decide if it's too late or not because of this knowledge. My DW still does not really believe the diagnosis. You are right about taking care of yourself and your health. I wish you well...

Hello YYZ, As I read about

Hello YYZ,

As I read about you, let me just tell you in case no one else has how very proud I am of you.  It take a lot to admit the repercussions your ADHD has caused, and it takes even more courage not to just seek the solutions but to MAINTAIN them.  You are actively on meds, counceling, research and you have the ability and DESIRE to identify with what you know about the disorder.  THAT IS HALF THE BATTLE WON RIGHT THERE.  You have raised your awareness level and have added consistency to your behavior which is HUGE.

Here (and again I repeat, he is NOT my husband) :) I am dealing with a person who does NOT believe that ADHD exists, he believes the medical community made up some name for JUST HAVING A DIFFERENT BRAIN, ONE THAT HE BELIEVES IS BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSES.  HE ACTUALLY COMPARED HIMSELF TO EINSTEIN, THEN CORRECTED HIMSELF AND SAID HE IS BETTER THAN EINSTEIN.........OMG, I CANNOT TELL YOU WHAT RAGE THIS CAUSES ME.

You ask me "could I forgive him" and right now, I am leaning more towards no, only for one reason, he has no consistency and I would be completely setting myself up AGAIN for the house of cards to collapse on me in what, 2-3 months.

Tick tock, that is what I say, tick tock, YYZ, can you hear my life passing me by.......

I think that I am now in need of great help, help to get off this fence and onto my own playing field.  He views normal behavior as everyone wanting to control him.  That scares me into believing that he really suffers from delusions and paranoia.  He can't see the forest through the trees.

How will i believe him, he has lied so much.  If I am not in the therapists office with him, he will lie to her.  He makes it up to accommodate himself and then even HE BELIEVES HIS LIES.  I think he has lost all sense of being rational, and there are tiny times when I see a rational side, then poof, it is gone and he is immature worse than any teenager I have ever seen.

Where do I go from here, each hour that passes I am afraid more and more as it is getting easier and easier to be without.

Hi, Janie12

Thanks for the nice words Janie12... If your BF is in denial about ADD, there is not much you can do. All you can do is try to get some help for yourself. Einstein... Funny, I thought I was the only guy smarter than him ;) With the clock ticking, it might not be a bad idea to talk to a counselor yourself. I hope things improve for you soon.

Einstein?

Wow, there must be an "Einstein Sydrome." My ex told me his IQ was 170 (that of Einstein, I believe). He is a scientist and Einstein was his hero -- probably because he was also promiscuous. I honestly thought (initially) that some of his problems were because he was so intelligent, and gifted people's symptoms sometimes overlap with ADHD symptoms! However, when I began to realize how much he lied and that he couldn't carry on an intelligent conversation because he couldn't remember what story he told last time, I just bided my time about the IQ question. After I figured he had forgotten that he told me that, I asked him if he had ever had his IQ tested. He said yes, it was 130 (I think that is right). Definitely not Einstein. Then I brought up the above, and he said, "well, he had estimated his real IQ was 170 (based on Mensa tests in Reader's Digest. Hahaha!!)

Seriously, I'm starting trauma counseling, and I think many of the worst cases I have heard of on this post are ADHD combined with other personality disorders -- serious ones! People, many of you are dealing with serious mental health issues in your mates, and you might want to start reading up on those. Something like 60% of ADHDers have other mental health problems also, and I repeat, SOME OF THEM ARE VERY SERIOUS MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES that may not be curable under the best of situations!!!!! They may take you to the loony toony house with them if you don't watch out for yourself.

I was joking, of course, about Einstein ;)

The memory issue is Well documented and has created many messes in my life. ADD memory goes to Long Term Storage too early, from what I've read. Long Term Memory is like the "Cliff's Notes" version, so when we have to recall something there are holes in what we recall. Filling in the holes is where the problems start, then I would feel stupid and defensive when I hear the "Hole" detail from someone else, or I would not believe the "Hole" because my LTM can be crystal clear in many cases. (Significant Memories), other memories, not so much, but because some are So Clear, we can think they are "All" that clear. I know better now... The Adderall definitely helps my memory and I use my smart phone as the ultimate backup.

I'm glad you are getting help and you are right, some ADDer's have very extreme symptoms, combined with other disorders. The are many "Personas" that ADD people build. Some function fairly well, some not so much. Mine worked for 43 years, until I finally cracked and knew there was something else wrong other than stress and depression.

I think I scored 128 on the IQ test I took... (No Genius Here ;)

What other SERIOUS mental

What other SERIOUS mental health issues are you referring to?  Mine said his son (age10) had a 180 IQ and WAS NEVER TESTED!  Is this their fantasy world?

Please inform me on the other issues, I have most likely read them all from passive/agressive to sociopath........

Well...

A few weeks ago, my DH came home from psychology class, during which they had discussed oppositional defiance disorder, and said that he totally recognized having many of the traits they discussed...but he said he recognized having them as a child, and gave me examples. I wanted so badly to say something about how he still exhibited many of those traits today, but, you know, he would have just told me I was wrong :)

I know ODD isn't quite as serious as other mental health issues, but it certainly has a serious impact on our marriage. 

Hi Veg, If you do enough

Hi Veg,

If you do enough reading, you will find out that children who are diagnosed with ODD usually have it in conjunction with ADD.  When untreated with meds and cognitive behavioral therapy, as they grow, these children stand a greater chance of developing Conduct Disorder, look it up, read about it, they are your typical in trouble with the law teens/adults.  They have no rules except their own, no boundaries, they kill animals, they steal, they are destructive to others and a sense of entitlement that mirrors a narcissist.

My BF for sure had ODD as a child and his son at 6 was diagnosed with ADD/ODD, trust me, I can't be in his presence for more than 5 minutes.  

J

yep...

Janie- yeah, I've read a lot about ODD, which is why it was so interesting (and a little amusing) when DH mentioned it. It definitely developed into his teen years and young adulthood, with legal issues and such, but I'm not sure whether it ever became what could be clinically classified as full-blown conduct disorder. He doesn't exhibit the aggressive, violent behaviors that are often seen in people with the disorder, no cruel behavior toward people or animals (for example: no bullying, fighting, using dangerous weapons, or stealing), and no vandalizing or destroying property. He does fit other criteria, such as the defiant/impulsive behavior, history of drug use, and lying. It's like he fits the self-destructive criteria, but not the externally destructive ones.

If I weren't married to him, he'd be a fascinating case for me to study and observe.

In addition too...

There are many conditions which can coexist. I probably will miss a bunch, but here are a few: OCD, Depression, Narcissism, Tics, Anger (Both verbal & physical), Tourette's, obesity, drug addiction, alcohol abuse, porn abuse, dangerously accident prone, sex addiction and I'm sure a few more. 

As far as IQ goes... I've read about many highly intelligent people though out history who are believed to have been ADD, Einstein is one example. The doctors talk about the race car brain because it can process so quickly, but without good brakes you can be a disaster. Before I really knew about ADD, I knew people that I Knew were Extremely smart, but never seemed to "Get their crap together", like how can they be So smart and seemingly have NO common sense to apply the intelligence. ADD can surely do this to someone. Boasting about high IQ might be a way of covering for his extremely Low self-esteem. I used to have terribly low self esteem, but few could have ever noticed it. Now that I have some breaks for my brain, communicate a little better and make less impulsive choices my self esteem has never been higher.

There have been many ups and downs over the last 3 years, but I think I'm heading in the right direction. 

YYZ, I am thinking that you

YYZ,

I am thinking that you are my salvation !  My BF has low self esteem, although he does feel he is rather pretty...........whay med(s) are you on may I ask?  Everything that you describe about you, he has verbalized to me, the racing brain, etc.  Don't even go to the careless/reckless part.............

J

ADHD and Self Esteeem - The Big Coverup?

YYZ and others - yes, conditions co-exist in anyone...I (as a non-ADHDer) only in the last six months realized that my anxiety disorders were tightly linked to my anger.  In counseling and really digging into it I can see that I am totally my father in that way.  My exBF's ADHD served as a poker in that fire so when reacting to ADHD symptoms my anger was even more disproportional to the situation than many others here would have.   However, I have now been in treatment for 6 months with a nice med cocktail that leaves me with a better baseline as far as anxiety and anger go.  Ah, how nice it is to treat.   Now on ex's side I never realized until recently how low his self esteem really is.  He is always so upbeat, youthful, striving for new things in work, etc.  However, in relationships, I have only now realized that I don't believe he "deserves" a great girl, an equal.  I don't believe that he feels he can keep up with one and keep them happy.  Sad, and to me evident in his current train wreck relationship.   I see it so clearly now, being away from it for awhile.   It is so interesting how the ADHDer can appear to be the epitome of good self-esteem when they tend to be suffering silently inside.  What an awful way to go through the days and nights.  Here's to everyone - ADHD and their partners - working a little on believing that they are great!

Me

Kit Kat... You just described me. "Now on ex's side I never realized until recently how low his self esteem really is.  He is always so upbeat, youthful, striving for new things in work, etc.  However, in relationships, I have only now realized that I don't believe he "deserves" a great girl, an equal. I don't believe that he feels he can keep up with one and keep them happy." 

I always waited for someone to figure out I was not as good, smart, kind, loyal and laid-back as I tried to show the world.

Anxiety... This is something that I never realized I had that was SO Bad, until just before my diagnosis. Watching the Train Wreck in SLOW Motion...

Too kind, Janie12 :)

I'm no Salvation, not even a descent picnic ;) I take good old generic Adderall, about 50 mg per day. I never really tried to portray that I was "Good looking", but I did show confidence to people around me and I always was laid-back and non-confrontational. I did not have much in the way of physically careless/reckless, but I have always liked fast cars. I've got a great driving record, but I took more chances than I should. Before my DW, I was VERY reckless with women and most relationships did not go so well. My worst addiction was food, which actually help with the woman issue. I began to gain weight when I got married and was No Catch being fat. Maybe I self sabotaged my worst addiction, or I just like to self medicate with food, or both.

I've lost 100 lbs and kept all of it off for nearly two years. I have walked out of the ADD Fog and feel so much better as a whole. Things at home are not where I want them, but there has been some improvement. My DW has low self esteem and people my age only lose weight because they are ready to upgrade, right?!? I HATE TV and how this theme attributes to our troubles. (Rant over ;) 

I still a work in progress...

ha

OMG, is "dangerously accident prone" really a condition? If so, my DH has an extreme case of it. 

Yep...

Adrenaline junkies... X-Treme sports, Fast cars, motorcylces, skate boards... I was just clumsy ;) 

Serious mental health issues

The one I'm most familiar with that I think applies to my ex is Borderline Personality Disorder (sometimes called BPO I think for men). He had an insane fear of being abandoned, terrible jealousy, temper tantrums, anger, lying, and a lot, but not all, of the other symptoms. The other is the narcissistic personality. And one counselor told me in front of him that she thought he had Aspergers. My counselor was the one that told me BPD was a SERIOUS disorder and wanted us to explore WHY I would get involved with such dangerous men (not the first time for me). She told me she had seen women who had been married to men like mine for 25 years, and they never changed. I'm away from him now, but seem to have some post-traumatic stress problems. Am just starting Zoloft and a new counselor (we had moved). It's not aren't worth losing your sanity over, believe me.

Read up on Domestic Abuse. Could be a real eye-opener. Having ADHD could be a breeze compared to being abused by one of them!

LOL. I can't tell you the

LOL. I can't tell you the number of times my DH with ADHD has told me what a genius he is. (And to be fair, he is very smart, very quick, very bright, and can be amazingly analytical and good with people). 

I am beginning to realize how much trauma the past years with him have caused me, and how much help I may need to try to repair the damage I let our relationship do to me (and how long it took me to face what has been going on). I read about post traumatic stress disorder, and realize that I may have it, or something similar. I even tried to tell him. And, of course, he can't help me. Even if he were sympathetic, he can't and doesn't have the tools. Only I can help me. The counselor wanted to see me every two weeks and I thought to myself, how about twice a day? 

I believe the overlap of other disorders, and while I am no doctor, I see a lot of OCD tendencies, and also a huge amount of anger management problems, along with the other classic issues that can come with ADHD, in my DH. He can't handle any anxiety or sadness on my part, or anger, and unfortunately, that is how I react to him most of the time at this point. I am trying the "take care of yourself, don't be codependent, find your own happiness thing," but so far, it is tough when I live in the same house with him and he is a constant presence and this pattern has been going on for years. 

Just a lesson out there, to really know yourself, to really know your values and what you want, but most of all, to know what you need. I didn't have a lot of good advisors when I was young, and was so amazed when I met him that he hyper-focused on me and that he wanted to marry me. I see now that it was not a great decision, despite the fact that I do love him.  Love cannot fix everything, I am afraid. Hang in there, everyone. 

My husband's intelligence is

My husband's intelligence is something he is, I would say, obsessed with. When he has a conversation with someone, such as his new ADHD counselor, he'll say "she said she couldn't believe how smart I am" or he'll say this person or that person will say to him "you're one of the smartest people I have ever met". Either he experiences an unusually high amount of people telling him how smart he is, or it isn't happening as often as he is saying. I finally asked him "why is that something you focus on as much as you do? No one has ever questioned your intelligence...so why is it like you're obsessed with proving to people that you're smart?" In all fairness, he too is one of the most intelligent people I know...and as a side bonus he is a wealth of useless information. LOL He is in IT and is a programmer...nothing he cannot do...and is completely self taught. No one has ever said anything about his intelligence other than how smart he is...but it is as if this is so very important to him for people to know it right up front. It is a little sad to me and sort of makes me feel like he is insecure about it to a very unhealthy degree...it is like he cannot help himself, he has to prove his intelligence to someone new..first thing. I am sure it comes across as arrogant and/or an obvious attempt to some people. It is like I told him, smart people don't have to tell people they're smart...they'll figure it out soon enough. Just never could understand why someone would be so focused on their intelligence. 

YYZ, Before I forget, he is

YYZ,

Before I forget, he is immature, idealistic and childlike.  It is ok to have youthful qualities, I do as well, but he is as immature as one can be.

I just want to tell him to GROW UP ALREADY.  

J

Hi Desperate Soul, What was

Hi Desperate Soul,

What was your outcome if any?  I am at a crucial point and quite anxious.  

J

Janie12

Finally my husband moved out and I am going to file a divorce soon. I feel like i have already hit the bottom when i was with him and now i am upswing, although moving very slowly. 

Its My Life Now

May I suggest a wonderful book for the person who has moved out of an abusive situation? It is "It's My Life Now" by Dugan and Hock. It is so compassionate, will help you define what you have been through, and provided me with a real roadmap of what I had been through and where I could expect to end up. Prayers are with you.

 

Hi Desperate, And may I ask

Hi Desperate,

And may I ask how HE is doing?  I wish you all the best, stay strong please.  

J

Janie,

I think my husband is doing just fine. He is of course mad at me, because he thinks I rushed out of marriage without us trying all our efforts to resolve the issues. But he does not know what our real issues are. I have been making all this effort on my end, but HE never did, and he thinks that WE didn't try hard enough. I didn't see a thing about him changing/making efforts to make our marriage work, then how could WE make it work? I am so glad that I rushed to end it, because now I already feel better and more stable emotionally, since he moved out a week ago. 

I don't know whether or not this is difference between ADHDer and NON-ADHDer, but he and I have totally different perspectives about priorities in marriage. My priority is "being in HAPPY marriage", and his priority is "STAYING in marriage". Therefore, I want us to make changes/efforts to make our marriage a happy one and if we CANNOT make it, I would rather end it instead of living in misery. On the other hand, his priority is staying in marriage, even if it comprises 99 miserable days and 1 happy day. To him, if it is not 100% miserable, that's good enough! He even told me that since we had at least a few weeks of "good time", I should not say I was NEVER happy during our marriage. How ridiculous is that? I did not marry him to spend a year, 3 weeks happily and 49 weeks miserably.  

One thing that upsets me even more about him now (and in fact it reconfirms that my decision to leave him was right) is that he is finally putting himself together to act intelligently for divorce, in order not to pay back any money that he owes me. Basically, he IS capable of taking care of himself and surroundings only if he wanted to, but he CHOSE NOT TO during our marriage. He has been simply taking advantage of my free service as a secretary, butler, maid, and mom. I am so glad that I am out of this early enough. Still, one year was not a short time, and I suffered a lot, but I am thankful that I have no kids, things can get back the way it was before I met him. I will be lonely sometimes with some post-traumatic symptoms, but I will stay strong to keep myself up. I can definitely feel that I already entered the healing phase just by physically separating from him, even before filing divorce papers. 

I am thankful to those on this forum who gave me precious advices and supports. You all taught me a lot and encouraged me to make the right decision. I hope sharing my experience will shed some light to some other people in need... We all deserve joyful lives and happy marriages, right? 

 

My and my husband's marriage

My and my husband's marriage priorities seem to be like yours and your former husband's.  It is so frustrating to me that he agrees that things aren't going well but seems to be afraid more than anything of us splitting up.  It almost makes him seem like a sadist.  

thinking of you

Janie,

Just want you to know, there is someone out here thinking of you. I am at a crucial point myself and it is hard to know what to do. Hang in there. Find your friends. Whatever happens, you will need to be healthy for yourself, for the rest of your life. You deserve it. Best wishes.

Hello and thanks you, Only

Hello and thanks you,

Only those in it know how difficult it is, bot staying or leaving, neither will be easy.  There is so much history, and I have realized too that I WAS HIS HYPERFOCUS, and that was during the courting phase.  Certainly after that wore off is when I started seeing things that did not add up and I began my research and quest for annnswers.

We are at a stalemate right now, not that this is a game of chess using real lives as player piece, but it the only statement that makes sense at the moment.

I am doing my best not to fall into depression, as I stated, I am NOT a depressed person but it can happen because of the lack of clarity and direction in my life.  As spontaneous as I am, I need clarity and direction at all times in the major subjects, otherwise my chi is off!  Make sense?

I am not complicated, I just honest and ?I expect honest.  He is so used to telling lies that I am not sure he will ever be honest.  So much so that he can actually bullshit himself and believe it.

We are nowhere right now, just going thru the motions.  He has placed a call to a local center dealing with ADHD but they have not called him back.  He stopped all meds except his thyroid and has quit smoking, that leave less a chance that he will set my car or home on fire.  Instead, he will just forget to lock the door maybe, who knows.

My brain is tired, I want my joyful smile back, I am just not sure of the pain that I will have to endure to get it back.

I am giving him this chance to find a new doctor for meds/cognitive behavioral therapy.  You see, I understand that permanent change is gradual, I do not expect SNAP PRESTO FIXED, and there IS NO FIX, just a change in lifestyle, alarms, reminders, notes, but let's see if he is too lazy making me not worth the struggle.

I have no issues with not being involved with someone, I will just live my life.......and enjoy it PEACEFULLY.

Trust me, if the day ever came that someone walked into my life...... the prereq will be an MRI of their brain......this has been a nightmare, I'm trying to hold onto the good so it doesn't get lost in a blur of pain.......

I can completely relate to

I can completely relate to you. I've been married for four years (almost) and I'll be the first to say that it's been no picnic. Actually it's been hell. We don't have any children either, and to be honest, I'm not sure if we ever will. I used to not be OK with that, but I've gradually made my peace with it. Of course, I have a huge fear of becoming a "Mommy Drone" and that's holding me back as well. I don't advise you having a child unless he's on board 100%. Raising a child on your own is lonely and difficult, and frankly, that child doesn't deserve to be born into a home where both parents aren't ready and engaged. I would know because that's what I was born into. I turned out OK, but more on that later.

My husband (the ADDer) and I are basically starting over. We just moved back in together after being apart for over two years. In our marriage, we've only lived under the same roof for 9 months. It started out as him leaving to take a job about 1.5 hours away from our home and turned into an informal separation. 

Our story is similar to yours although I was the one in a race to get married (I've got abandonment issues from my parents divorcing). He knew something wasn't right, but didn't want to risk losing me, so he went forward with the marriage. Like you, our honeymoon wasn't the best. We didn't argue, but he spent every night in the local bar. Cue the abandonment issues! He eventually started exhibiting rage as well although his seemed to be triggered by his confronting his own past--the fact that he was adopted. He met his birth mother and I thought it would bring him closure, but instead it threw him into a maelstrom because she was an incredibly wonderful woman and he had pegged her as this horrible person because she had given him up. He's now a little better...he had a few counseling sessions and he's developed a good relationship with her.

If you want advice, here it is. I'm not an advocate of divorce. The statistics for second marriages failing are even higher than first marriages simply because you bring the baggage from your first marriage into a second. I clung to the hope that my husband would change and gradually he is. It's a ridiculously slow process and I've been on the brink of leaving him more than once. We've been in counseling for five months and it has been helping. He is also being treated for the ADD/ADHD with medication although as our financial situation improves, I hope to get him some specialized counseling or coping skills treatment. 

I say all of this to get to a point: if your husband is not willing to seek treatment, whatever his issues are, then you are swimming up stream. I don't know how old he was when he was diagnosed with ADHD, but if he was young, he may want to be re-evaluated. My husband was ADHD all his life, but wasn't diagnosed until he was 28. It sounds like your husband may benefit from another diagnosis, even if you get him to a doctor or psychologist under the pretext of anger management issues.

If he won't get help for himself, will he get help for you both in the form of marriage counseling? If he's not willing to at least seek counseling for your marriage, then you may want to consider leaving. Don't resign yourself to a life with a man who doesn't want help. 

Something to consider is a temporary separation. Get yourself out of the situation and focus on you. Clear your head and figure out who you are and what you can tolerate. If you can't leave temporarily, then get some counseling on your own. I did that myself and it helped to a point, but I eventually got to where I couldn't go any further without resolving the issues with my husband. I was prepared to leave and he suddenly jumped into action and entered counseling with me. I know that I'm lucky in that. I just read some of the posts on here to know that. Even though that he's getting better, it's still not a cake walk. He can't hold down a job and is irresponsible with our finances, so our is always on the brink; my family dislikes him because they view him as irresponsible; I can never talk about him to anyone because I will get negative feedback and that doesn't help. But I love him and deep down, I know he loves me despite his shortcomings. I do worry constantly about our future, but at least we're to the point where I can confide in him and it doesn't turn into a fight. They say that if things go right, you will eventually rejoice in being married to a ADDer. I don't know when that starts, but I still hope that it happens.

Ultimately, you've got to decide if he's worth the investment.

janie12,

I am very hurt to tell you that I think we are married to the same man,My husband does the same exact thing,right now presently he and myself are really under some heavy fights over all your above mention,the porn is getting worse as our fights do also, and it is cutting back on the intimacy, and once that is gone we would be gone too.I am really at a lost here,all you did for him I did for my husband and more ,my car he used up,, he lived by my house, also then got his apartment then he left when he got his good paying job,everything you passed through I did.This is not good for my health,right now I have itchy skin form being soo stressed out and I have a small hair loss and heart palpitations.I would not be able to continue this relationship,, my kids is getting affected by all this,once I am not happy enough for myself then I would not be happy enough for them,and I am starting to see some side effects on my daughter's part where she suffers for me to be with her on evenings,and all he does is manipulate me in to spending all my evenings with him and none with my kids.I have to stop in spite of what ever love I have for him that is left after all the hurt and pain he has put me through.the thing is I really saw us as a perfect match,he was fun adventurous funny and very sweet and then suddenly he turned in to this old complaining grandpa who only wants to control every aspect of my daily life,I have lost my friends my life and I have no intentions of losing the rest of me.

today is my pains and cries with him,and tomorrow would be my joys without him,

lovehurts.

Hi Lovehurts, Correction, I

Hi Lovehurts,

Correction, I AM NOT MARRIED TO HIM!  I knew something was wrong as I am a true believer in the institution of marriage, tow people being together, working together towards the same goals in life, enjoying each day, the ups and being there to guide each other through the downs, but I knew that I would NEVER marry him no matter how long we stayed together, I even stated it to his face.

I am mature and intelligent enough to realize that you only marry a person who you want to assume responsibility for, and clearly he is not that person, I would never want to assume responsibility for a man who LACKS RESPONSIBILITY!  He bounces his checks, his auto insurance lapses from lack of payment and that is on auto withdraw from his checking, but it happens when he looses his bank card and has to be issued a new one and he FORGETS to call the insurance company and give them the new bank card number! MY SOLUTION, SET ALARMS IN YOUR PHONE FOR EVERYTHING, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, HE WOULD IGNORE THEM, LIKE HE IGNORES CALLS, VOICEMAILS, TEXTS, and just goes on his merry way with his head in the clouds of fantasy........he is wired wrong.  Like I stated, brilliant but wired wrong and there is nothing I can do to make it any different.

I am shut down, the emotional valve has been turned off, for my self preservation.  He blames everyone else around him for his bad actions, it is always the fault of someone else!  I can predict every response from him, they are always the same excuses, like a script.

He claims to have no verbal skills, but if he had to have a XXX chat exchange he surely would find the words.........

I have lost respect, and respect is a huge factor in a thriving relationship as is trust, and well, that is gone as well.

Now the final process just has to take place as difficult as it will be.  I could write a book on what has taken place, I have not even touched the tip of the iceberg.  Possibly if I keep writing the negatives, I will keep them fresh on the surface and that is what will keep me strong to bring this all to an end for sure.

He is the kleptomaniac of my life......and I let him........

janie 12,not married well thank god!!!

well good for you keep that attitude up!!! I have been down all those roads with my spouse the way you have been with your boyfriend,I am done today!!! I ended things b/c he wants to proceed along with his life and mines is getting kept back,I have had enough!!! last night he touched a nerve in my whole body when he went out dressed up and smelling and looking all dazzling,well I am supposed to just sit there and take it!!! well no! I have had enough and I am done,see my forum(MY TURN TO LIVE NOW!!)

good luck!

lovehurts.

Yes

this is pretty much everything I've wanted to write but couldn't find words

YIKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm 

YIKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm in big trouble now.  After reading all of this, I am afraid my husband has it all.  ADHD, PTSD, BPD, NPD, ODD, ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION.   Aren't we lucky!

Good Lord, where do you start?  

Leave!

The place to start is by taking care of you! You are fooling yourself if you think you can ignore yourself but fix HIM. He is MUCH more likely to change you than you are to change him.