My boyfriend (who has been coping with ADHD his whole life) is 36 years old. We began dating at the beginning of this year. Soon after we started dating, he mentioned his ADHD and the medication he was taking to help with symptoms. While I was glad he shared this information with me, it was during our courting phase and there were absolutely no harmful ADHD relationship issues even remotely occurring at that time.
6-months into our relationship, he went from all-in to all-out. He completely lost interest in me. And for the past three months, we have been on the verge of letting go.
Just over a week ago, my boyfriend listened to the first chapter of The ADHD Effect on Marriage. The audio book was given to him by a close friend who's marriage ended because of ADHD symptoms. After he listened to the first chapter, he let me listen to it. We were instantly stunned to realize these issues were so very common in ADHD relationships. We have listened to a few more chapters together, but we are still arguing.
He never knew that his tendency to jump from relationship to relationship was based on his ADHD. It's eye opening for him to have some answers finally, but I think he's too tired to even try to save OUR relationship. My biggest fear is that I will have invested so much love and energy and time into learning about this part of him, but he will just want to start fresh with someone else, and use the tools he learns with her.
We've had painful moments between us (an emotional affair on his part) and a few lies. Knowing his ADHD was not being managed, I have said I want to move forward and not linger on a couple of months that just happened to be really hurtful for me.
Non-ADHD partners and spouses.... How do you reach him to tell him that the whole he has dug IS fully capable of being filled in again?
Honestly?
Submitted by DependentOrigination on
I have thought the same thing. About 10 years ago, I left the love of my life because he became clinically depressed and didn't work for a year, but lived with me and lived the rest of his life. After we broke up, he got a job, got his life together, and instead of coming to find me, he found someone else. It hurt.
I married my ADHD spouse 3 and a half years ago. A year into my marriage, I completely lost my mind because I didn't understand what was going on. After two years of good, mixed with bad, mixed with fighting, mixed with a lot of stress, I separated myself from him for a week completely, and started turning my life around. About 3 months ago, I figured out he has ADD. He is slowly starting to accept that he also has ADD.
There were many reasons why I shouldn't have married my husband when I did and many reasons why I did marry my husband when I did. If I knew what was going to happen, I wouldn't have married him. No amount of love is worth the complete destruction of self I went through.
My husband has made some pretty key breakthroughs in the last couple of weeks. And yet, more often than not, I am alone. That may change. Or it may not.
If you are someone who like spontaneity and independence, then keep moving on with him. If, like me, you were looking for companionship and stability after a lifetime of spontaneity and independence, then I suggest you move on.
I love my husband dearly. He has done a lot for me during a very bad time in my life. But his ADD has also tested or destroyed almost every boundary I have set. And other aspects of his life have made my life very difficult. And despite being married, I am still a single parent 90 percent of the time.
So, good luck. Pay attention. If he takes ownership, if he engages for himself, without you prompting him... if he turns to you, instead of away from you...
Having been through what I have been through, I will never again date a man who still has ties to his ex, whether it is house, wife, children, dog, etc. I will not marry without a solid year and a half under us so that I have been exposed to the full gamut of his life. I will not marry a man who I have to stand up screaming and shouting so he realizes I am still in his life. I will marry a man who comes looking for me. And I will marry a man, whose joy is his house and his family. They are out there. And they are worth holding out for.