I was born in India, and now I am in US (I thank God everyday for that), my parents decided to arrange a marriage for me with my current husband. I am (or at least I must say at this point, I was) an independent and brave person. At the time of getting married I was not aware of "adhd" and that my husband is adhd. His family was weird - his father was bossy and verbally abusive to me, so was his mother, sister and brother; and they all claimed to be "traditional". After a month into my marriage, I was upset, emotionally shattered inside, and crying all the time.I called my parents, and explained everything. My parents were willing to start the divource proceedings, but my husband literally begged them to offer him another chance. Being soft at heart, me and my parents agreed to his request, and offered a chance to my husband. God now I wish I should not have done that. After that we came to US (thankfully) and verbal abuse got worse. Since I was under a dependent visa, I can't work, and he is the single source of income. My self esteem, confidence, intrinsic motivation, self respect, my WILL, everything was brought down single handedly by my spouse's constant demotivation, negative attitude towards everything, and most of all sarcasm and "I DON'T THINK YOU CAN DO IT". Also we are having 10 years of sexless marriage - I asked him straightforward once: are you planning to have sex with me at all? he always throw tantrums or stares at his electronics long enough to change the subject. I feel lonely, hopeless, and I don't have courage to leave him. I am confused. I don't know whether to divource him or not - I don't know whether I love him, care for him, or just feel sorry for him. He says he is changing, but he never follows through with anything. I can't possibly share this with anyone, as no one could possibly under the situation. Hence I find this forum comforting and soothing. Anyone has any suggestion or thoughts....please help me. I need to bring my confidence and courage and self esteem up... and it is very hard.
10 years of marriage, feeling lonely and confused
Submitted by lonelyandconfused on 09/14/2013.
There is some solace you are
Submitted by copingSAH on
There is some solace you are happy living in the States.
Are there any clubs or societies you can join in your spare time that would allow you to mingle with other people who share the same interests? I'm talking about reading groups at the library, knitting groups, sketching groups, cooking classes, even classes at the local college would get you out of the house and interact with other people that make you feel you are respected as a human being.
I think you need to have the support of other people outside of your husband's family in order to see there is another world outside of that. Is there an in-law you trust to be discreet?
Is it too late for you to approach your family again, and get their support? Since they arranged the marriage, they should be ready to protect you if you are not happy. It's unfortunate you were placed in a position where you had very little say in. They are so far from you (I'm assuming they are still in India), I can't imagine how lonely it is for you. Do you get to visit your family back home? Perhaps you need some time back with your own family in India to get a clearer picture .. I dunno... there's so much depending on cultural expectations, correct?
Look outside
Submitted by GoingThru on
I agree that you need to build your happiness outside of your marriage, at least for now. Your husband may or may not change, you may or may not divorce him - only time will tell. Right now, get out and find happiness and fulfillment in friends, activities, events, or hobbies. Is there a support group you could join? Get out of the house as much as possible. I am so sorry that you are so lonely and sad. I hope you find some happiness and comfort. Join activity groups or take classes, go to Meet-ups, spend time in coffee shops, museums, or public places, start jogging or biking - be and go anywhere but inside your home. I hope that you can find your strength in the world around you. There are lots of positive and supportive people out there who can build you up. Good luck! Keep us posted.