1st post, at a loss

Hello everyone

I'm a 32yo stay at home mom. Both me and my husband have ADHD, although I don't have the hyperactivity aspect. He was diagnosed in early childhood. I just got my diagnosis a couple months ago. We have a young son. He was up front about the ADHD when we were dating, but I knew very little about it and had no idea how much it affected almost every aspect of someone's life. I've learned a lot about ADHD since then, and that's helped me from becoming angry with him all the time, and we are working on our issues. But I'm so angry and frustrated with my husband regarding work.

He's always had major issues getting along with coworkers. He's a diesel mechanic, so he usually works in a garage with several other people. According to him, everyone he works with (including bosses) at any job he's ever had are complete idiots. He obsesses over the work other people do and criticizes it constantly. He's unable to ignore or separate himself emotionally from other peoples frustrations or bad moods. He has frequent blowups at work. Employers tolerate this because he is very knowledgeable and a hard worker. But every day after work (or at work, calling me on the phone) he goes on a cussing tirade about his numerous frustrations with his coworkers and bosses. I've tried so many times to tell him to only worry about himself doing a good job, that he doesn't have to be superman or absorb everyone else's emotions, but nothing's changed. He rarely stays at any job more than a year. Things are great at first, he gushes about how much he likes the place and how he wants to stay there, and I start to think, maybe things will be different this time! Then the honeymoon period wears off and he's miserable every day, and takes it out on me. He talks constantly about quitting and complains nonstop.

We're not in a financial position for him to start his own business, and if I returned to work, daycare costs would basically wipe out most of what I would make. I feel stuck and helpless. 

I was very independent before we met and supported myself. I understand the frustrations of dealing with people at work and having ADHD. After we had our son, a series of unfortunate circumstances prevented me from returning to work. Then we chose to make the arrangement permanent (well till our son starts school anyway). I was afraid of relying on my husband as our sole income, but decided to trust him.  I feel like this was a big mistake now. After going over a year without health insurance, we FINALLY just got benefits, but now he wants to quit this job too. I want to scream. I want to feel stable, especially now that we have a family. I've told him this. None of it makes a difference. I feel like he will never be happy and I'll never feel secure again. I don't feel like I have unreasonable expectations here.

Has anyone else gone through this?  Found any ways to cope that worked for them?  I'm at a total loss. Please share. Thank you for listening.

-R

I don't have any advice for

I don't have any advice for you because I deal with this myself. My husband (untreated, ADHD) constantly complains about his job, how much he HATES having to go into the office, how much he hates everyone he works with, feels like his toes are constantly stepped on, is paranoid everyone is out to get him, etc. He is better now, he just talks about how much he HATES his job everyday instead of threatening to QUIT every.single.day. It is exhausting and emotional torture. He wasn't diagnosed until June of 2010, but by that point he had had 6 jobs in 13 years...one he kept for 9 years, but it was a 'work from home' job, he made 6 figures, and somehow managed to do enough to stay employed. Work at home is HORRIBLE for him, he has zero self-discipline when it comes to working a 40-hour week when he can beat the system, but put him in a 9-5 office environment and he does nothing but complain constantly. 

The best I can do is pray and have faith that God will provide for our family. I had to just hand it over to God because it was literally killing me. My blood pressure was sky high, I wasn't able to sleep, I was constantly tense and mad, and got physically sick at my stomach every time he would call and threaten to quit his job. Our counselor suggested that it was just his way of releasing some of the pressure (complaining to me) and suggested I try to just listen and not let it upset me. That didn't work. I then told him not to call me if all he was going to do was be negative. That didn't work. Finally I just sat him down and said "this causes me a great deal of stress. I want you to be able to talk to me, but it isn't fair of you to expect me to be able to 'think' the way you do, that it is just all hot air, and since you know I am a worrier by nature, I would really appreciate it if you would stop threatening to quit your job". I don't think he would ever quit, but I do worry that he'll get fired. Currently, he finds an 'excuse' every single week to miss at least one day of work. There are a lot of politics where he works, no matter how highly his boss thinks of him, if someone decided to push the issue, it could spell big trouble for him. He insists he has it all under control, but won't even consider the fact that his perception issues, because of his ADHD, might be misleading him to believe so.

I hope that knowing you are not alone helps. Just ask him to stop threatening to quit his job, let him know how valuable stability and health benefits are to you, and ask him to feel free to talk to you about his job...however, he doesn't need to share every single thought that crosses his mind with you. Does he not see the pattern? Also, you are just going to have to continue to remind him that you appreciate how he provides for the family and hope that he is able to understand how upsetting his threats are. Some of it, you will just have to accept and take in stride. It will not all quit. I was just today, honest to God, told how much he hates his job, hates having to get up and come into the crap he does everyday...and I'm 100% certain that he feels very little responsibility for it. Not saying it is all his fault, but I know some of it is. 

(((HUGS)))