My husband was a very intelligent, funny, adventuresome, loving man. He has always provided well for us, has had a very steady work history, and wanted to spend time together (bowling, vacations, ect.) He didn't need to be the center of attention, he was quiet and witty. Then ADD became dominate in his life and things began to unravel.
We have 23 years together, 2 kids, a house and a history together. Our future is not looking bright.
He has ADD is on fluxotine and dextroamphetamine XR (depression and ADD) and therapy once a week.
We are started couples counseling last week but ended up talking about his job the entire session. His complaints are that I'm too controlling, I have authority over our kids and he wants some, and that we have become roommates only - no relationship. I am blown away by this. I can't believe that after years of begging him to be present in our kids lives (and him still doing only what he wanted), to help take of care of the kids when sick (which is ALOT) (he will go and sleep downstairs so he isn't bothered by those that are sick), and trying to talk to him about why our sex life is almost non existing and being told that things are fine (not as young as he used to be, he's tired, being overweight isn't sexy, ect). Now all of the troubles in the bag are due to me!
For abt 9 months he had a terrible temper - to the point where I was scared of him - I almost left. Now I'm wondering why I didn't. The temper has improved, he is going to counseling and taking meds - but now he is blaming all of our relationship issues on me. Up to this point he had no comments about being unhappy in our marriage or about the kids - so why now? Sometimes I don't think that he has a full grasp on reality - as though he hears part of what is being said and then combines that what he wants or thinks.
One other thing is that he now lies to me. He will lie, know that I know that he is lying but keeps with his story. And the lies are over small insignificant things. If I call him on it - he gets mad. If I questions something in a discussion that we are having to clarify what is happening - he gets mad, says I'm controlling him.
He loves the computer. Will spend hours at a time doing nothing - or so i think. I want to give him some trust and at this point I can only trust that he isn't making poor choices while on line. The computer and exercise are just a new distraction for him - another way to isolate from me and the family.
I am told by his counselor that he is ashamed and feels bad about his behavior and we need to help him find who he is. Yet, I see no remorse, no sadness, no shame from my husband - no signs that he is searching or looking for answers or forgiveness. And he is able to blame and accuse at will. But I feel the hurt, the sadness, confusion and yes, anger coming from me and I am told to be supportive of him. I accept the responsibility that I have reacted badly to him when I should have been understanding, I accept that I enable him to behave this way. I accept the responsibility that I have stood up over the years and have done the right thing because it needed to be done and I will not be made to feel that by doing so it was wrong or controlling. What I can't accept is that just because he has ADD that it is not expected of him to accept responsibility for his actions.
He is upset over the fact that I have a small, tight group of friends - feels that its not fair since he doesn't have those friendships also. After a recent h.s. reunion I reconnected with a group of about 10 people that I had not seen or heard from since 10th grade but we were still great friends and try to get together every few months -he is upset that he can't do the same.
At this point, I look on my marriage with such sadness-everything that I/we planned (kids, family vacations, retirement) for in our life has now been damaged due to the ADD. My husband which used to make me laugh, who I trusted whole-heartedly, who was my best friend and protector, who I loved so deeply, that was a great dad, that was supportive my thoughts has left. In his place, this person that I don't recognize, understand or even like.
I need to move forward. I need to find a way to release my anger, and to claim myself again. I want this for me but also for my children. I don't know what will happen - every day brings some new challenge to our world that skews our views, but I must move forward (with or without my husband) and create a calm, peaceful, loving environment for me and my kids. There is one thing that has changed during this, I have decided to find full time employment. For so long, I was afraid that I had the financial means to leave him, that I would. I am still afraid, but I feel that I must make progress toward being independent
The above is just a portion of what life has been like for the past few years. After going through it, I know that this can't continue or I will be completely lost. I will continue with the marriage counseling sessions - see if things begin to move in the right direction. Otherwise, I will take things one day at a time.
Any reply/comments/suggestions are welcome.