23 years, do I give up?

How do you know when it's time to wave goodbye?

How do you know when it's time to say, I will no longer pick up the emotional, financial, and relational pieces?

23 years of this is so stressful, his unemployment over the last 8 years is the most frustrating thing I have ever lived with. Thank God the good Lord has blessed me with a way to provide, but the difficulty of having to be  provider, mom, homework helper, encourager of the girls (now 17 and 20), mender of the sharp tongue that indiscriminately and impulsively lashes out is overwhelming.

His father lives in our home as well, a real gem, but I feel like a race horse. They cook for me, encourage me to keep going, keep my stable clean, because I am the only one who "goes" and finishes well, and brings prize money home. I feel "used"

We went to counseling, and once the counselor had me stand on a chair, and sat him on the floor. He asked us both how it felt, it was the perfect illustration of our marriage. My husband was comfortable but felt below me, It was difficult for me to stand on the chair,keep balanced, and I looked down on him, he asked my husband to help me get off the chair. He asked him how he would do that. He reached out his hand to help me off the chair. He told him that you have to figure out how to reach out your hand to help her. That was nearly 3 years ago. He has not come up with one idea yet.

the role of wife and husband are two very different things. when they get reversed it's damaging in many ways. The book you wrote PERFECTLY describes the cycle of an ADHD marriage, however i bet your recovery story is special, and the percentages are not good for reversing the effects. What makes me sad about giving up on my marriage, is my daughter who is also ADHD. Will someone give up on her one day? She is more self aware, takes meds, and I try to tell her how her impulsivity, sharp tongue and dismissal of other's feelings affects me. And that one day a spouse may not be so forgiving, however there's apart of me that says, if you give up, that pattern is set. And is more likely to happen for your kids.

if I stay the absolute weight of knowing that ALL of life's executive functions (as they call them in the books) are always and forever mine is such a pressure I am not sure if its bearable. My husband has been diagnosed, says he lied to the counselor just to get the meds. He takes meds, but you know, the meds only help so much for some, and once you hit that "full stop" and have given up on yourself it's hard to get things rolling. 

I have lost respect, love, and forgiveness of the ADHD. I cannot look at this like cancer if there's no acknowledgement. I cannot say hey, let's work on a treatment plan together, if there's no agreement treatment is required. I am the dominant controller, the "parent". He has no "authority" in the home. He is damaged by my continual critism of his inabilities to complete tasks, to help me, to live up to my expectations, as slim as I feel they are.

I read a book called "sacred marriage". Abraham Lincolns' wife must have been ADHD. She had a sharp tongue, was willful, and wicked. He kept her anyway. L O V E anyway, not "because". Marriage is not about happiness or joy, it's all about Sacrifice. I get that. I just don't know if I can live it for another day, much less years. Please share your wisdom. I am looking for solutions. But I cannot seek solutions for anyone else, only coping strategies for myself. My ADHD spouse will always believe he is "fine".  

 

 

Oh, I get that analogy

I was in a position for years when I had either 2 jobs or worked both first and second shift at the same job. My husband drove me to work (I'm handicapped and could not drive our stick-shift car) then either came to take me from one job to the other or brought dinner for us both when I was working at one place. Everyone acted like he was so great for cooking for me. (but he tended to leave the dirty dishes in the car. Yuck!)

The analogy I used to describe it was when people owned slaves they could sell their labor. They could place the slave somewhere to work but the master got the money. I really felt like that. Unfortunately, we're still there. He lost his job because of ADD symptoms he couldn't/wouldn't control. Now he's not even looking for a job and everything is up to me.

I don't know what the answer is when they won't admit there's a problem. My husband was a counselor but he couldn't, and still can't, see what this does to me.