25th Anniversary today

I always thought the 25th anniversary would be awesome especially since I am still young at 42 years old. I told him years ago that we would have to save up for a huge party. This year I told him I didn't want a party. I don't want to pretend anymore, especially since he has hear me cry and plead for him to get help and he has not. Even when I told him he was losing me because of his self-loathing and tantrums and physically beating himself, he didn't get help or come in to comfort me while I was crying and shaking. His reason: An apology wouldn't matter and would only sound like a justification. I actually left him for one month in April of this year. I came back because it hurt to see him sulk so much. Maybe I thought this year would be different because it was almost over. Silly me. 

Yesterday I text him as usual to say good morning and have a nice day and got no reply. He got home from work at 8:30 PM and barely said a word to me. He sat in his armchair watching tv until 1:30 AM. I was in bed by 9:30 PM. This has been years now. For some reason, I thought the day before our 25 th would be different. Why did I think that? I am usually the cheerleader and initiator but I am running on steam. I am very depressed these days and that is unlike me. Everyone calls me Sunshine. This morning I woke up as usual and he was snoring away. I left for work 30 minutes earlier than usual so that I could buy myself some breakfast. How much better it would be to feel special everyday so that on that anniversary day you would be happy to celebrate it all. Instead, there is pain and confusion and loneliness most of the time. It makes this one day feel a little forced. I can't even buy him a card because I can't say anything that he doesn't already feel and see in my sadness. Happy Endurance Anniversary day to me. I never thought 25 years would feel this way. I guess he feels the same way. 

Ain’t Really Love- Mary J. Blige

Everyday I'm trying to get to know ya
But more and more you're changing up your act
Everyday I look for ways to bring us closer
But more and more you appear to be drawing back
And lately when We're making love its getting weaker
My heart don't feeling it and feeling is everything
And I'm feeling like maybe you just don't feel it
And I don't know how to play it
In the past, didn't know how to say it
But I...

I held my tongue too long
I can't do it no more (I just can't do it babe)
See how can a man be so cold
To a woman that loves him most (I don't get it at all)
(But if you wanna go) There's the door
(I can't hold ya) Boy you're grown
(You must got me confused) Ooooooo
(I treat myself way too good)
And a love that tears you down ain't really love

Everyday I'm getting up and making breakfast
And more and more you're walking in without a word
And everyday I'm trying to ask, "Baby what's wrong?"
And more and more you say I'm getting on your nerves
And then you take me to the level of some bullshit
Ya said ya never had these problems from a white chic
You got me twisted and twisted is just not how I get with it
You need to sit down and hear it


I'm pouring out my heart (my heart)
Don't just sit there while my heart is on the line
Speak your truth (speak your truth)
What it's worth (what it's worth)
Not a word you say will go unheard
Now if it's like that
Then baby just pack your bags
Cause I'm sick and tired of fighting
I'm sick and tired of trying
I had enough of waiting
I'm not that good with playing
I know I love you
But I love myself too