I used to love the idea of our anniversary. It was exciting. I was talking it up months before and sometimes couldn't wait until that day to give it to him. This is when I was co-dependent (I am a recovering co-dependent) and when I felt that by me being the perfect wife, everything would be ok. I bought him gifts very often, anytime I saw something he would love. Fast forward. He is not a gift giver. So I have stopped giving him gifts and saved the money for what I want or need. That gets disappointing when you are the only one that puts your all into something. He says I am the most important person in the world to him. I can't call him a liar. I just know how I feel, lonely and neglected and I know he doesn't do it on purpose.
I don’t want to tell him not to buy a gift since that may be hurtful. I don't even know what to get him. He has everything. He asked what I wanted to do this year and I said we can just eat out. A few days later I told him eating out is not special anymore since we go out all the time and he agreed. I mentioned a painting class and he said “set it up” but I don’t want to hear him brag about being an artist throughout the class.
I owe HIM $200 since he put OUR venetian blinds for our new home on his Home Depot card and then asked me when I could pay him back. Unreal. So a gift for someone that can't even "splurge" and pay for something for your home is ridiculous to me. Just that alone turns me off a bit.
It’s hard to buy something for someone who doesn’t even think about you on the water ice line even though they know you love water ice, the lemon flavor. It’s hard to celebrate an anniversary with someone that doesn’t make you feel loved although he says you are the most important person in his world yet he doesn’t see me off to work since he wants to sleep in (he doesn't work during the week), pray with me at night or talk to me during the day. I initiate a text message with “happy Monday, have a nice day” and then perhaps something I need from the store and he responds in a few words like "will do". So strange. After all these years and the tears and explanation for my unhappiness, he still is the same and can't love me the way I want to be loved for whatever reason. So instead of being further disappointed I have just stopped doing it all, stopped being a gift-giver, and he seems awesome with it instead of me rubbing off on him, he has rubbed off on me or just stolen my joy of giving as a wife.
I wish he acted this way before we started dating. So different than the love-bomber he was. But, it is what it is. I will buy him a gift just as I would a friend and I will return it if he doesn’t get me one. I will not be offended since there is not much to be happy about these days in our marriage. It is not a normal marriage with normal stresses an problems.
I have learned to accept the reality I just wish we didn't have to celebrate this day anymore. He is not evil- just not marriage material not just for me but for anyone and he knows it.
I am so sorry to hear this-
Submitted by jerseygirl17 on
I am so sorry to hear this--unfortunately, I know how you feel. I've been married to an ADHD man for more than 33 years (diagnosed about 10 years ago) and would be happy to completely forget the anniversary. For me, it is just a reminder of all the years I have spent/wasted hoping that things would improve and having the same conversations over and over. We did Melissa's course several years ago and I had high hopes that it would make a difference, but eventually, things just went back to the way they have always been. I am by myself in this relationship and now that I have raised three children, pretty much by myself and have been the primary (sometimes sole) breadwinner for the past 10 years, I see others who have been married for all these years and have actually built a life together and it just makes me very sad. It has been all I could do to just get through these years. I stayed only because I thought it was best for my children--and I still do think it was the right thing for them--but it meant that I sacrificed most of my life and my happiness. I no longer love or respect him--even though he talks about how he loves me. In his view, you can love someone without ever putting their interests ahead of your own and just go blithely through life, expecting the other person to take care of everything for you while you take the credit. My husband isn't evil either--I like the way you put it "just not marriage material". I only wish I could have seen that 33 years ago or realized, before my children were borh, that he was never going to change. They are truly the light of my life and I wouldn't trade them for a happier marriage, but I just wish I knew what I was in for and could have made a more informed decision. Now, my biggest concern is not becoming bitter as I watch my friends enjoying life now that their kids are grown and I am still struggling with the same issues over and over. I'd like to forget that anniversary ever happened.
I understand
Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on
People truly love in their own way, depending on how they were raised. It would be awesome for people to love you as you need to be loved, now how they want to love you. It's so logical which is why they don't, won't or can't do it.
I made the decision when I was 17, NOT to have children. I knew a week in that it would be best not to after I saw the man I never saw when we were dating. He had so many unaddressed issues, poor thing, but at 17 with Daddy issues, I was not ready for this life.
No course or therapy helps if they are not willing to put forth effort and work. My H refuses therapy, thinks they are quacks, and won't do the meds either stating it will make him dopey. It's not just ADHD- its a mixture of things- PRIDE being the worst of them all. I know people with Bipolar and ADHD that take meds and go to therapy and although tough, there is effort. So my love, all we can do is our part and keep being resilient and awesome and compassionate yet firm. All else is out of our control.
I will let you know how the anniversary goes. :)
Notgonnalose, husband said the same
Submitted by dedelight4 on
"I have learned to accept the reality I just wish we didn't have to celebrate this day anymore. He is not evil- just not marriage material not just for me but for anyone and he knows it"
I know the pain of this also, in losing the joy of who I was in being married to someone who doesn't "return" anything you do for them. Interesting, this weekend my husband and I had one of several long discussions about what we are going to do about our marriage, and he said the very same thing to me. He KNEW he wasn't marriage material for anyone, and couldn't even tell me why he married me, he didn't know. That hurts quite a bit, because I BELIEVED so much, in love and in what he said in the beginning, but the whole "bait and switch" thing sure seems real enough. I know it's a lot ADHD, but still, choices are made along the way.