I've been married to my adhd partner for 3 months now. My husband is a wonderful guy. He's so bright, intelligent, and fun. He's also almost completely irresponsible and (unknowingly) self-absorbed. I guess I could say our marriage is fairly typical of an ADHD marriage. He holds few household responsibilities (I do ALL the cooking - he refuses, I do 95% of the cleaning, I remind him to pay bills, etc), ignores problems then stonewalls me when I bring them up, and has this amazing way of turning me into the evil shrew wife whenever something goes wrong. He is partially treated. He has medication but is still looking for a good one that will take his health insurance. He's medicated intermittently because his psychiatrist will prescribe him medication then his insurance won't take it so he goes unmedicated till his next visit. (Easy solution - ask for a backup prescription!)
I'm at the end of my rope. I'm likely clinically depressed. We used to function so well. We'd talk through our misunderstandings and now I bring up any problem. When I do bring it up, I end up yelling at him and raging. He used to comfort me when I was upset. Now, when I cry, he walks into another room. He says he's waiting for me to calm down so we can talk. I just feel ignored and dismissed. I'm fighting really hard not to emotionally disconnect from him. On the other hand, when he's upset I do everything I can to console him. I thought that's what you did for the people you love. I've started to resent him because he dismisses me when I need him but I never do that to him. I sometimes wonder if he's just manipulating me to get me to behave in some specific way.
I was in therapy before I met him too. I used to be depressed, didn't know how to deal with anger (my family's way of fighting was to scream), and had feelings of abandonment. I got through those issues in therapy and became a stronger person for it. Now I feel like I just married someone who epitomizes all of those old feelings. He makes me feel angry, depressed, and abandoned. It's like I never escaped. All of the good things I worked for have all become unwraveled. Before therapy, I used to believe that I was never destined to have a happy life and therapy changed that for me. Now, I think I was right before.
I've talked to him about therapy and reading this book. He seems willing to go into therapy but I had to put the phone number in front of him with his phone to get him to make the call after weeks of procrastination. He had a rough childhood and battles depression, feelings of abandonment, and binge drinking (he doesn't drink often but when he does, he doesn't know how to stop). He keeps saying he'll read the book but after weeks of begging him to buy it (and almost buying it for him but he stopped me), he still hasn't done it. I feel like if he could just understand my perspective that maybe he would stop seeing me as such a horrible person. I don't want to be this way. I hate myself.